A frenemy's recent facebook status:
Ahh, finally able to relax...Kay's schedule is gonna be the death of me yet!
I really want to respond, "just wait till you have one in college, LOL." But I don't feel confident chiming in on other people's conversations about their teens. I feel like a poser. Doesn't help that some of my coworkers are [pardon my french, but it's been a rough day] a$$holes and when I say anything about Jade, they dismiss it. What, you can talk about how your child almost missed the school bus this morning but I can't talk about how my teen missed her first class because the taxi never came? I think it's valid for me to add that to the conversation. But sometimes this coworker won't even look at me when I'm talking about Jade. This particular person has an adopted child. They have always been a weird person, very passive aggressive...extremely moody. Anything they've said to me about Jade or me being a foster parent has been quite fake and usually forced. This coworker is much older than me. Do they feel threatened? Is it because I've entered their "territory?" Some people can be so petty. You'd think because they went through the adoption process, they'd understand, but nope.
While I'm a foster "mom," I'm not Jade's mother...and I don't feel like a mother. However, I have motherly duties. Waking her up in the morning, getting her to school, making sure she doesn't forget anything, making her meals [sometimes if she wakes up late and we are in a hurry, I even make her lunch], providing her necessities, taxiing her around to her friends, supervising sleepovers, making doctor appointments, advocating for her needs, teaching her to drive, helping her find her first car and insurance....and the list goes on. Am I not doing anything any other parent of a teen would? Am I worth less because I'm not real? Am I less worthy than a stepmother? Less worthy than girlfriend of a single dad? Where's the line? Where do I fit? I feel like an outsider.
To top it off, I recently had my review at work. My boss said I've been "negative," but never claimed this was her opinion, instead she said it was "peer feedback." I have worked so hard this year to put on a happy face. And I've been genuinely happier this year than last year. I don't get it. I feel stabbed in the back for things I may have said here or there to a certain coworker. Not sure how to handle it. If I keep to myself, I'd be considered snotty, not a team player...I'm being "negative." If I just stop associating with this person, then I'm obviously mad at them and I have a "negative" attitude. If this coworker tries to pull me into their own drama [as they always try] and I don't choose their side, I'm "negative" for not wanting to "play." Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Not sure what to do.
To be completely honest? I feel like saying, screw you all, I'm not telling any of you anything. You're not privy to my life. You'll twist it around and stab me in the back. You aren't worthy of my thoughts. But I can't. I have to spend over 40 hours a week with these people and apparently I'm being watched from all sides. Guess I'll perk up the act, maybe pop a few more pills and add "professional actress" to my resume... Argh!
Monday, September 20, 2010
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3 comments:
It totally sucks, but such is the reality of parenting special needs teens. No one "gets it," and it seems everyone is projecting on you.
The coworker with issues is a good example. I think you're going to have to acknowledge that there is probably no way you're going to win with her. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, and that she has just got mega issues and you are her target.
As to what to do about it? That's pretty much up to you and the situation. If you think there's a way to fly under her radar or fake it, then go for it. If being warm and genuine with everyone else makes her issues stand out as being her issues then I say go with that.
I've been in this situation before, and the coworker was just using my kids' issues to forward her own agenda against me (she wanted - and got- everyone who threatened her advancement discredited - she now runs the place, and I am glad to be long gone.)
Hugs and prayers!
Mary in TX
Mel from Stirrup-queens calls the one-upmanship "pain wars." As in, I spent $10,000 on fertility treatments to have them tell me they have no idea what's wrong." And then somebody else pipes up, "Yeah, well I spent $70,000 and we're still not done yet." No matter how bad it is, they're always going to be worse. Let them drown in it but don't let them pull you in too.
I also had a co-worker tell my boss that I was "cold." My boss was all about what other people thought of her, so she decided to tell me all the time what others thought of me. I did go out of my way to ask those people about their weekend but just offered that mine was, "fantastic." No details. People like that like talking about themselves. The less I talked about myself, the more they liked me.
[btw, I don't know if it was clear, but the adoptive coworker and "accusatory coworker" are two different people.]
Right now, I am ignoring the accusing coworker's attempts at spreading gossip or pulling me in. If I think of it as a game, it's a little more fun. Like treating her like she is not "privy" to the information I have or the details of my life. Her and other coworker actually had the nerve to ask how my review went. The other one didn't bother me as much, but when the accusing coworker asked, I wanted to slap her. As if I'd tell her anything anymore. I told her it was a great review. Hopefully that'll pi$$ her off. LOL.
So, a game it is!
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