I'm still here, but so busy. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. Oh, I've composed many posts in my head, they just never made it here. Of course, there is lots to fill you in on about Jade, but I will go into that in another post. Things are going well, she's a great kid. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop....for me to do something that causes her to hate me and tell me I'm "ruining her life." But, that hasn't happened yet. Lets hope things stay that way! Anyway, this post is about me.
I'm having a confused moment. Not quite sure why. Could it be because I just saw a movie about a social worker & foster child? Perhaps it's because I am inundated with all things foster care right now, more so than ever before? Is it because I just saw a speaker who talked about unconventional living? Or maybe it's really God speaking to me? Anyway, I'm afraid that I'm not on the right path. Not with foster care, but with my job. I'm not happy doing what I'm doing. Is it normal in a review when your boss talks about your "future" career path and how there might soon be an opportunity for advancement...that I cringed inside? That I pretended it sounded awesome? Even as my boss posed the question, "10 years in the future, would still want to have the same title or be in a higher position?" I may not have the best boss, somedays I go home crying, but I have a good job. I've been there many years. I make decent money for the sector I work in. I have excellent benefits. They pay for my school. I use these positives to persuade myself that this is where I belong when I feel trapped. I should be grateful. Especially in this economy. When I question my happiness at work, I feel selfish. Why can't I just be satisfied?
But I'm torn. I feel like my calling is working with children. Sure, I'm doing that as a foster parent and in some of my volunteer work, but it isn't enough. I crave more. I'm bored at work. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of spending the day in front of the computer. I can't concentrate for the life of me. I don't want to be there 98% of the time. I drag myself out of bed every morning...and I mean drag. Does that call for change? But the change I want would be radical. I looked into switching careers a few years ago, and it would require a full 360. Some serious back tracking. There is no connection in my field of work [art-related] to anything I really want to do. Ok, maybe art therapy for kids. But the closest school for art therapists is nowhere near me, not to mention there's probably like 4 jobs open in that field in the entire US. Not a viable option. So where does that leave me? Confused as heck! How do I fix this? Am I willing to finance another degree? I'm in the process of earning an master's in my current field. It is a very, very specific degree. I can't just quit going. My boss would want an explanation. What do I tell them? "Oh, I've decided screw this, I wanna do something else." I really can't. I'd basically be saying, I don't care about advancement or goals at this place, I want to leave. Been there, done that. It was very uncomfortable. Do I continue going to school to earn my master's while attending another school to do something else? I'm strapped for time enough as it is.
So what exactly is it that I want to do? Is it possible that I'm feeling called to work for DSS in some capacity? Maybe even become a social worker? [go ahead, start the flaming now] Honestly, I'm not really sure. I'm still working through this feeling. Whatever this job may be, I realize I don't need to "save the world"—but I can certainly try to make a difference in this crazy place. Keeping doing what I'm doing now, 40 hours a week, is making no difference whatsoever. Is this what God wants me to do? Is this where I should be? Am I fully utilizing the talents he gave me? And where do I begin? I suppose what I should do right now is investigate. What can I do at this stage in the "game" of life. I think I will look into what sort of jobs are out there in social services, and what it takes to get a degree in social work.
So have you ever felt a calling? Is this what it feels like? Cuz tonight, I'm feeling very anxious, confused and scared about what is possibly being asked of me.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
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3 comments:
I knew I couldn't stand not being in control of the children in my care. I knew I wanted to be a SAHM. I knew I wanted to have lots of kids. It took awhile to put the pieces together and everyone thought I was crazy. Talk about unconventional living. I knew it was perfect for me and soon I had my husband convinced. It will hit you, go with it. If you love what you do, your life will be worth living.
when i first started fostering, i too toyed around with the idea of becoming a social worker.
this is what talked me out of it:
-they sit around and write reports.
-what they say in court is sometimes not even considered.
-i wouldn't be able to deal with so much heart ache all at once that i wouldn't be able to help
all that talked me right out of it.
when i was in high school i was convinced that i wanted to work with youth. i got married and got pregnant in my first semester of college.
my life has taken many twist and turns that didn't feel like i was headed into what i had always wanted to do--and then i was flung into it. mom and foster mom is the ultimate way to do what i wanted to do.
i think you will somehow find yourself right where you long to be.
Thanks Tudu & MamaFoster, for your advice. Julie had some great points over at my other blog. I think I may be talking myself out of it. Or I guess more like coming up with an alternate solution. Finding a job in my line of work that is child related, is very possible. I'm sure that would help my slump and feeling of doing non-worthwhile work. However, with this economy, I feel trapped. On one income, I can't just leave for another job. "First one hired, first one fired." Seen it first hand this year. I think I just have to wait it out.
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