Crayon: creating a life out of cHaOS

Catching up

2011-12-29T23:42:00.002-05:00

[Note: if you read my private blog, a more detailed post can be found over there*]

I can't believe Christmas is over and 2012 is around the corner. Time is flying. Wasn't it just Halloween? That said, I owe you all an update! Still don't get that now I am actually fostering, I rarely post. I guess I just get busy in the day to day stuff and this foster care stuff, well...I'm living it. I'm not on the outskirts anymore, searching for some kind of connection to those who are foster and adoptive parents. Not sure if that makes sense. I do try to keep up with other blogs I used to comment on regularly and I recently discovered podcasts. I've had an ip0d forever, and I've listened to podcasts from my church or from different ministries, but never thought to search for topics. One day, I was board and searched "foster care" under podcasts. Low-and-behold...I found this *awesome* podcast called ::drumroll:: [you'll never guess the name]... Foster Parenting Podcast! Who knew such a thing existed. haha. The cool part is, this podcast is run by two foster/adopt parents and has been around for several years. They actually started when I started the foster process..in the fall of 2007. Wish I had known about it then. Anyway, check it out. They have a wealth of information tucked into each podcast. Some episodes are just the two of them talking through an experience, others involve interviews with guests or they have other foster parents take the mic for the night. Currently, they are up to episode 112, but I've been trying to listen in order...and I'm only up to episode 92. Makes for great listening on the way to and from work. You should check it out, either through their website, Foster Parenting Podcast, or by searching "foster parenting podcast" in iT^nes.

After listening to their show for several weeks, I was reminded that, oh yeah, I have a blog. Maybe I should write in it sometime... Heh. So, here is my update!

Yes, Jade is still with me. :) If you are keeping count, it has been a little over 19 months. Overall, Jade is doing pretty good. She is still with her boyfriend, and for the most part that has been going well. Her friends keep changing on a day-to-day basis, I can't keep up! lol. She's gotten into a grove with school and her grades have improved majority in the last year. She's taking more responsibility for herself and seems to have settled on a career path [she's stuck with this one for a few months now!]. She is looking at living on campus at a different university in the next year or so,. That said, she will likely be with me at least through next Christmas. Technically, Jade could stay with me until she's 21, but her plan is to move on campus and use the Independent Living Assistance Funds [ILAF] to help pay for a dorm. She also receives assistance with tuition and other living expenses from both the state and the government. I think it will be wise of her to make this transition as she will age out before she finishes school. Moving out before that happens will allow for a smoother transition. Plus it is the natural progression for many young people her age...move away to college and then become independent from there. The dorm she found has summer housing, and we are working on figuring out what to do for the short breaks between semesters [if I have a placement, she won't be able to stay with me]. Most of the kids go home to their families...but where do you go when you don't have a family to go to?

Christmas was good, just wish it hadn't come so fast. Looking at our pretty Christmas tree as I type this...it makes the house so warm and cozy...I don't want to take it down! Well, I probably won't take it down for another two weeks. All that work involved with putting it up and placing the ornaments just right. Not about to put it away! This year, instead of a bunch of clothes and gift cards and random junk [that added up fast last year], I got Jade one big thing, and a few useful other things. Last year I spent a ton of money...I was thinking in the moment, not the whole picture. I wanted to give this girl a really nice Christmas, after-all, the last one really sucked for her. What I wasn't thinking was "she'll be with you for a few years, so lets pace ourselves." Hah. I still spent too much, but not as much, so that was good. I was trying to be good and not get a ton of useless filler gifts to make up for less gifts. The list she gave me had some pretty expensive stuff on it! Wasn't sure what to think of it. Did she really expect to get it all? Does she think I'm made of money? Was it just wishful thinking? Did she hope I'd at least pick one thing from her list? I wasn't sure. In the end, Jade was happy with what she got and I think she'll actually get a lot of use out of her main gift. I was proud of myself for not overdoing it. It was really hard not to keep buying stuff she doesn't need just because it "looks pretty" or it's "cute!"

Oh, and have I mentioned that I am loving the fact that she now has a car. It is a huge relief…not driving her all over the place like a taxi cab. Now she can be on "Jade time." And wow, it is amazing how when a teenager is responsible for driving themselves to school, how they manage to get up and out the door on their own, just fine. And on-time too! If I ever take another teen, this girl has certainly taught me some lessons. I let her get away with murder sometimes! Speaking of which, I'm excited to be on a committee at DSS to focus on teens. Not exactly sure what we will be accomplishing, but hopefully we'll see some changes. We will have our first meeting this winter.

Let's see…what else…? Oh! I did overnight respite for a two-month old baby, aka Rocco [not his real name] back in October. He was the most adorable little thing. He only cried briefly for a few minutes when I couldn't make his bottle fast enough...though he didn't let me get much sleep. Anyway, he was a cutie and it was worth it. Then last month, I had him over again for a few hours one evening [but not overnight]. He grew so much in a month...such a little butterball now! His foster mom sends me pics now and then and we talk online.

Well, that's all for now. I'll try not to let so much time pass between posts. "Try" is the keyword here. :) Anyone have any questions they want me to address…about anything?

*[You must be "invited" to read the private blog. Feel free to request an invite by emailing me!]

Has it really been a year?

2011-07-27T23:04:00.003-04:00

[Note: if you read my private blog, a more detailed post can be found over there*]

Wow! Time has flown. I apologize for neglecting this blog. The irony is, I felt I had nothing to offer when I was blogging without a placement, and I felt out of touch with the other foster moms. Now that Jade is here, I haven’t had interest in blogging. Some of it is because I’m busy, but part of it is because I’m living it…so why relive it in a blog? lol. There are a few other things I’m totally neglecting. Some, I expected to fizzle, but I’m still sad about it. I’ll talk more about this in another post. I started typing it up, but it’s becoming quite long!

I think things are going well. Believe it or not, it has almost been a full year since Jade first came to live with me. A year! That means I’ve had her with me through every season and every holiday…feels like a milestone for me. It’s like: “I made it! I did it! I survived!” Because honestly, it can be quite a challenge to have an older teen live with you when you’ve been alone for the last several years. She’s not a little kid, but she’s not a roommate either…it’s different. I had to adapt to another body in the house, someone coming and going, even sharing. It was weird. Sometimes it still is. But it’s almost been a YEAR! Any suggestions for a little way to celebrate? Not sure what I should make of the anniversary...plus she's 18.

One of the things Jade taught me about myself is that I can adapt. I was always worried that if I ever finally found that guy, I wouldn’t be able to handle the changes. That I wouldn’t be able to adapt to sharing everything and dealing with someone else’s quirks after being on my own for so long. You get set in your ways. It’s hard to describe unless you’ve been single and on your own for a while. You can come and go as you please, everything in the house is yours, you leave something in one place and it’s there when you return, if you don’t do something…it doesn’t get done. Anyway, Jade has shown me that I can deal with living with someone else, although frustrating at times, it is entirely possible. Ha.

Since I last blogged, I finished my spring class and got an A! Yay! Jade did much better in her spring classes…really brought up her grades from last semester. She’s continuing with classes this summer and has registered for the fall. After much searching, Jade landed a job! She starts next week...we're both excited. :)

The other news is that she got a car! That girl had some pretty specific parameters, but she finally found one in her price range. The car is totally her responsibility and I think it will be a good step towards independence. I made it clear that any repairs/maintenance/gas/insurance comes out of her pocket. She was able to purchase the [used] car outright, using money “leftover” money from the educational funds and grants she had saved up since the fall. It was a good chunk of money she was able to pocket after her tuition was paid. It’s only been a few weeks, but it’s been a huge burden off my shoulders. I was concerned that she’d get a bite of freedom and take advantage. I’m glad she’s being responsible. While she disappears for most of the weekend [during the summer, anyway], she keeps in contact and tells me where she’s at and where she’s going. She might go from one friend’s house to another, but I know where she’s spending the night. That’s big for her because she was very resistant to telling me what she was up to when she first came to me. She didn’t understand why she had to tell me where she was going and felt like I was invading her privacy. With all these missing teens in the news lately, hopefully I’ve gotten through to her.

Another good thing is the crazy volume of doctor appointments have subsided, and besides…she’s 18 AND can drive herself now! I don’t have to worry about getting her to school or late night calls to pick her up from a friend’s. All in all…this is a good thing.

However, all of this means some BIG changes for her come the fall. She’s going to have to juggle four classes, a new job, cost/responsibility of a car, a social life, a boyfriend and she still needs to do her chores. I do want to talk to her social worker and make sure that the household responsibilities make it into her updated “contract.” I know she’ll be taking on more, but, that’s how life is. As you get older, you are expected to do more. When she moves out, she’ll be expected to take care of her chores too, so I’m going to stand firm on this. She’s tried to push back before, but I’m not letting her slide. Besides, for a few basic chores, she earns a decent allowance each week and I still pay for all her food and clothes and toiletries and much of her recreation.

Looking forward, I’m trying to enjoy this time I have to help guide her. It’s tough. It’s not easy to instill values and set rules for a new-to-you 18 year old. She’s not a little kid and she’s not really an adult, yet she’s my responsibility. She doesn’t always understand my reasoning for things and I don’t always understand hers. We do butt heads..and by now you all know I detest conflict. I’ll do anything to avoid it, so that’s been a real challenge of mine. I can’t always be Jade’s friend and that’s hard because I’m not really her parent either. Her parents are in her life, one much more than the other, but they are there. They just don’t want to take responsibility. So here I am, trying to share as much wisdom as I can to a teen [who of course thinks they know it all] in the short time I have her. It’s a delicate thing. She came to me with her own beliefs and views and values and I have to respect that. If I had her placed at a younger age, some things I could have nipped in the bud early on…but, this isn’t the case. Old habits are hard to break. I have noticed some of the things I do, she’s picked up on...most are little things, but some are big. It’s a subtle thing, but it makes me happy to see that she sees something positive I do, and copies it on her own. Gives me some hope, lol.

Oh, and speaking of hope…right now, Cori could use some prayers. She turned 18 and graduated high school. As I feared, everything that could go wrong did. As soon as she graduated [by a hair], they sent her home. After years of hospitalizations, RTCs, group homes….they just send her home. Darn magic number. A few weeks home and things unraveled. Then she was "stabilized" and it appears to all be unraveling yet again. I’m hoping some of the things happening are just ploys for attention. I really am worried for her. I don’t know how she’s going to make it. She’s 18 and an adult as far as the law and she is concerned…but she’s really not. Emotionally, she’s like a 6 year old. She has to be supervised. I’m so afraid she’s going to end up pregnant and in an abusive relationship or hooked on drugs or in jail for something impulsive she did. It’s only a matter of time.

On the other hand Faith seems to be doing really well. She’s actually still in Jobc0rps, I totally thought she’d drop out. However, she’s sticking with the program. She’s been talking more positive and overall just seems happier. I’m praying she finishes JobC0rps and gets her GED…it’s the only way she’s going to get a fresh start.

I’ve been hanging in there. I’m registered for a class in the fall…finally at the halfway point for my Master’s!! Only gonna take me another 5 years to complete…haha. As for the potential boyfriend…it didn’t work out. He was totally into me, but I wasn’t feeling anything for him. I could make it work, but I know I can do better! So I called it off. Now that was hard. I was hoping another prospective match would work out, but that plan got derailed so I don’t know if it will ever happen. Work is, well, work. I'm lucky to have a job these days, but sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I’ve been active on our county’s Foster Parent Association [FPA] as well as the state FPA. It is just hard to make the meetings because of my schedule.

So, that’s it for now. Hopefully this will hold you over until my next post. Any questions??? I know it’s been a while…

*[You must be "invited" to read the private blog. Feel free to request an invite by emailing me!]

Where to begin...?

2011-04-18T22:28:00.003-04:00

[Note: a slightly more in-depth version of this post is over at Crayon's private cHaOS, if you normally frequent there].*

Wow! Sorry guys, I didn't realize it has been so long since my last post. Things have been, well, chaotic around here. Ha. I started my blog to document my foster care journey and as soon as I have a foster child, I drop of the face of the earth. I don't know how you all do it...especially those with littles. Part of it is probably that I spend the entire day at work on the computer and my class involves the computer so the last thing I want to do come home and spend time on, well, the computer. Ok, so I do FB, but that involves minimal effort and allows for my short attention span. hehe. I've been enjoying reading everyone's blogs, mainly through my G00gle Reader. Just cuz I haven't commented, doesn't mean I'm not reading...I'm still out there. That said, I apologize that this is all over the place, but so much has gone on in the last 3 months...not sure where to start or begin.

So, as I said...lots going on. Jade is doing well, she is still going to college and is supposedly doing better this semester. She still doesn't have a car or a job, although she is working on both. She's applied for a few jobs but hasn't gotten any leads. I'd prefer she gets the car before the job to save me an extra transportation headache, but I'll deal.

The first half of the Spring semester was a transportation migraine. Jade got a new worker, I'll call her SW Rita [no, she didn't end up with SW Lisa, but Lisa still plays a role], once her plan changed to IL [Independent Living]. SW Rita decided I didn't need assistance getting her to and from school and completely cut me off...with NO notice. I was scrambling for a couple of weeks and SW Rita offered no reasonable solution. She couldn't explain why Jade qualified for the assistance a month before, but now was on her own. I had so many questions about this new world called Independent Living. The rules were completely changed on me and SW Rita refused to answer my questions. I'd send her multiple emails [because she didn't answer the first one, and then didn't answer the second one and so on and so forth] and finally get an email back and it would be a two sentence response. I was struggling to balance work, school, parenting, dealing with DSS and then trying to figure out how to get her back and forth on a daily basis. It was a total unnecessary stress that could have been avoided if SW Rita told me in advance that she wouldn't be helping me. I was ready to go to the head of HR and offered her one more chance to make this all right. I asked her to come out and meet with me since she was apparently overwhelmed by written communication.

Around the same time, Jade was turning 18 and had some TOUGH questions about rules that I couldn't answer. It wasn't clear if I had the authority to make the decisions or if it was DSS that had the say-so once she turned 18. We got into multiple arguments. She kept throwing the same questions at me and demanding answers...answers I didn't have. I was so overwhelmed and couldn't wait for the meeting with SW Rita & SW Lisa. After we discussed things privately, we brought Jade into the conversation. The answers to her questions were presented to her, making it clear that we were now all on the same page. This helped me since Jade didn't seem satisfied with my answers. I felt better after the meeting since some things were clearer, but there was still so much gray area.

Fast forward a few weeks later and I'm still having issues with SW Rita. She is a little better in some aspects, but in others she hasn't changed. She's sneaky and a bit of a biotch. Like when she screwed up a reimbursement check because she "felt" I shouldn't be reimbursed for part of it. I was fuming. Again, gray area. What are the rules? Give me black and white. I decided I wasn't going through this again so I told her outright that I was angry with her because I thought we had decided to be open about communication. She withheld information and didn't inform me of a decision that could have affected future reimbursements. After I argued it, she decided to go ahead and reimburse me the money she was holding back, "but just this time." It was sneaky. She was just trying to show her power. Whatever. I found a solution to our transportation problem. It's a unique solution, so I can't go into the details. What I can tell you that it's a bit messed up, lol. But it works so I'm going with it.

In addition to the transportation woes, I've been having trouble getting Jade to do her chores. I don't ask much of her but she apparently thinks I'm asking too much of her and that she can't have a life and she's overwhelmed and so on and so forth. I totaled up her chores and they shouldn't take her more than 45min to an hour a week total to complete. Considering how much she gets for chores, she's making a pretty nice hourly rate. Regardless, she thinks it's unfair and I don't want it held against me...so I talked to SW Rita about it. They already had a visit scheduled and so it was discussed then. SW Rita was on my side about it and didn't think I was asking too much. They came up with a solution, but I'm still waiting for Jade to slow down for a minute to sit down and discuss what they came up with. The last two weeks have been crazy and we haven't had much time to talk. Chores have been piling up since before the weekend. But by the time I get home from work, I haven't seen her all day. Last thing I want to do is start an argument about chores. The girl loves to argue and I HATE confrontation...so I try to avoid it at all cost. I know, avoiding her isn't the best way to deal with it, but I'm up to my eyeballs right now so I'm trying not to let the chore thing get to me. That's where I'm at right now until we sit down and discuss this proposed solution.

Besides all that, work has been insanely busy. I just can't get everything done that has to be done. There are so many interruptions throughout my day. I can't get my work done if I can't concentrate. Jobs are slipping through the cracks but I'm not superwoman so I'm doing by best. Trying to to let it over stress me. Then there's school. I did really good the first half of the semester. It was a piece of cake. But the second semester we are learning something much more complicated and I'm so lost and afraid I'm falling behind. I don't have time to do the reading or the exercises at home...so I'm just winging it. So far it's working but I have to find time to do a major assignment this week and I'm not sure when that is going to happen. I'm a little scared that I don't know what the heck I'm doing, so I keep putting it off.

Then, there's the Foster Parent Association [FPA]. I've been missing meetings because of a conflict with my schedule. It's killing me. I miss talking to other foster parents and connecting. I keep in contact with some of them through FB, but it's not the same. So I was feeling guilty [I know, something is wrong with me] for not attending the meetings, and I volunteered to help out with this new project the FPA came up with. I volunteered to take on one of the said-projects. It turned out to be chaos because of a diva foster mom who failed to understand that she was benefiting from a major donation. I just found out tonite that she caused further damage by something she requested regarding the said-project that I didn't know about. So now the donor feels taken advantage of and I feel like I did something wrong because I didn't know...and so the FPA has to flip the bill. No good deed goes unpunished, right?

Oh, and then I started a weight loss program at the urging of my sister Norah and my mom. I had already lost a few pounds before I started thanks to an adjustment with my thyroid medicine and a new ADD med. I decided to do it anyway, anticipating having to don a bathing suit for my summer vacation. I've managed to lose a little I started, which is great and all, but it's not cheap and requires a weekly commitment. It's an added burden and I'm already stretched so thin. I might continue another month and just try to implement what I learned into my daily diet.

And back to Jade...she registered for school through next fall, so I have a feeling she will likely be living here at least through the end of the year. We had talked about the next step as being transitional IL housing, but lovely SW Rita has deterred her from that telling her it would be a step backwards. If she doesn't go into transitional housing as a stepping stone, she'll probably be with me much longer since apartments are expensive and on-campus housing requires her to be in a 4-year college. Ugh. I know, I signed up for this for the long haul. I just didn't expect to end up with a young adult. The house is child-proofed, for goodness sakes! Once Jade leaves, I think I'll take a break and just do respite. I could use a little less stress...

So you wanted an update...that's where I'm at! Hope this answers some questions. If not, ask away...I'll try to respond in a timely manner. ;) I have updates on Cori and Faith too, but it'll have to wait for another post. Sorry. =P

*[You must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

The post I promised.

2011-01-29T22:28:00.003-05:00

Better late than never! This was actually written about 2 weeks ago after a coworker totally pi$$ed me off. I'm over it now, but I just never got around to posting it...

What a different life this is. Not necessarily bad, just different. While it definitely has its bad moments, it has plenty of good ones. However, as science has proven, the brain remembers more bad than good. Go figure. And while would be perfectly lovely to use my blog to only share all the positive fostering moments coated in rainbows and unicorns...that just ain't happening. Sorry, but it comes more natural to post about the struggles of fostering. As with many other bloggers, I find writing about situations helps me work things out...and that is why I continue to blog. And aren't the struggles more interesting to read about then how awesome everything is? But I digress.'

Anyway, I know that a flaw I have is that I share too much. It runs in the family [eh, Norah?]. I open myself up despite knowing darn well I should just keep my mouth shut. Often as I'm saying too much, there's a little voice in my head saying, "shut up Crayon. shut up. shut up..." And I ignore it. I get hurt and then I swear I'll never share my personal life to certain people...and a few weeks later, I let my guard down and out it comes. To the same people. Haven't we learned this lesson over and over?! Yup. Such is the story with my coworkers. So much political crap and back stabbing and people who just think their way, their opinion, is the only way.

I know I'm not the only one who deals with this. Especially all the other foster and adoptive parents out there. "Well-meaning" coworkers and friends always seem to have the perfect solution to allll our problems. They just don't get it. It is even more annoying when the "advice" is unsolicited and coming from someone that knows absolutely nothing about parenting. However, sometimes without realizing it, I open myself up to this advice by sharing too much. For instance, the last few weeks have been rough. Jade has been testing me and I've been exhausted. Add to the mix the mix her winter break from school [ = her laying around all day]; holiday bills; the holidays in general; frustrations at work; running around all. the. time. for dr appointment after dr appointment; and me realizing I've been eating more [therefore gaining weight], sleeping more, stressing more and feeling easily overwhelmed. So yes, I've had the need to go off on a rant from time to time. My sister, Norah, is always quick to lend a compassionate ear. My mom listens, but it's not the same. My therapist, of course. And finally, a coworker who I consider a friend outside of work and a close ally. She has older children and I often ask for advice about disciplining and such.

Well today, I just wanted to vent. I sent an email to Norah and this coworker, ranting about something I noticed with Jade. I didn't ask any questions, or seek advice...I just let out how I felt. I expected some compassion from this coworker. Instead, her response was kind of harsh, questioning why I was annoyed and telling me "welcome to the land of teenagers." Um, really? I think I've already been "welcomed." I may not have nearly a decade under my belt, but I've been living in the world of a teenager for 5 months [to the day! btw, happy 5 month anniversary to me. lol]. I entered the world a while ago. Anyway, she obviously took something I said personally. She related it back to when she was Jade's age and took offense. Then she acted like she never responded to her child the way I just said I did to Jade...making me feel like the bad guy. She totally denied she ever had this particular response to my similar scenario, even though a few months ago...she did the exact same thing! She had even told me, then, that she had done it before. Don't play the "high and mighty card" with me. I'm not buying it. Her solution? "Just ask Jade about it. Talk to her." She couldn't comprehend that I can't just sit down and talk to Jade about something private going on in her life like she can with her own teenager. Really? You really can't understand why I don't have the same relationship with my foster child that you have with your biological child that has lived with you since you brought them home from the hospital? I'm sorry, but MY situation is different. Fine, give me advice. I've asked for it before, so assume I want it. I'll take the heat for that. But don't be so quick to judge me and then try to make me feel like you are better than me. I do not have the history with my foster daughter that she has with her child. I told her there are other things that she does not know about that led me to my response. I didn't want this to turn into a big argument. She can be pretty headstrong about things. I kept my response concise, close-ended and finished with "thanks for your advice, but we are going to have to agree to disagree." She still went on to try and prove her point. I didn't bite. Ugh.

Moral of this story? Keep to myself! Which I know will never happen. lol.

Blessed

2011-01-15T12:29:00.001-05:00

Despite the fact that I am extremely angry at Jade at the moment and can't wait until she awakes from her slumber so we can have another rule discussion...[I have a post waiting on the fringes with updates about how everything is going, but I'm still finishing it up.]...I'm feeling a little blessed right now about a couple of things.

First, my immediate family. I love them and all their craziness and for all their quirks. I am blessed to have them live so near and dread the day my parents decide to move out-of-state to retire. It is easy to take for granted that they are right there. And sadly for Jade, her family disfunction makes me realize how lucky I am to be so close to my own family. Yeah, we are dysfunctional and we have gone through some REALLY tough times, but we pulled together and made it through and it only made us closer in the end. I totally give God the glory for this. Without our faith in Him and Jesus' example, we would have easily quit on each other. Our faith is, hands-down, the glue that held us together and continues to hold us together through tough times. It has not been an easy road and we are constantly tested...but we are unwavering in our faith. I would not be the person I am today if it was not for my trust in His word. My path would have easily been that of several extended family members. If I took their path, I can tell you now, I'd be living only for myself. And while I may have had more fun, I'd rather be who I am today. Went off on a tangent... but seriously, it is a beautiful thing to get to spend so much time with my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. I do not take it for granted these days.

Second, money [having ironically just discussed it in my last post]. I got a couple of checks this week [and a gift card], that while "owed" to me, I had forgotten about. I just got a check for a copay I didn't know I overpaid. I received mileage reimbursement from DSS that I submitted last month and a copay reimbursement for Jade from back in August. I got a check from a friend that owed me for tickets to the theatre and finally, a gift card from someone that I did something for, on the side [art-wise! get your mind out of the gutter], back in the fall. Total, it amounts to nearly $400 dollars. Which is awesome because of all the holiday bills and the $150 I'm about to spend to get the cats shots all up-to-date for my annual recertification. The T@rget gift card, well, that is just a nice treat that I've decided I'm going to use as a treat. Get something for myself...not kitty litter and laundry detergent!

Third, healthcare. This is another thing I often take for granted and I am lucky to have awesome coverage. I have taken charge of my health and know how to utilize the services. I just saw my primary care physician the other day and she is so easy to talk to. Both her and my therapist are totally supportive of me fostering as a single parent. This past week, they both reminded me that I have good reason to be exhausted and overwhelmed and that I need to take care of myself. My therapist helps me see things from the outside and offers great advice for handling issues with Jade and with coworkers. She reminds me that I'm doing a good job even when I feel like I'm not.

And finally, my job. While there are days I absolutely hate it and want to smack a coworker, or two or four, I am lucky to have one. While extremely small [especially compared to previous years when the economy was stable], we did get a raise. I also qualified for a "competitive" raise that they do every few years to keep salaries in certain positions within the range of other companies. That was a nice surprise. And this year, we even got a small bonus for doing well as a team. I just have to remind myself of these points when I'm gritting my teeth at a coworker's comment. lol.

So, that's it for now. As I said...and update coming soon!

Stipend breakdown

2011-01-08T01:06:00.006-05:00

[Note: This is also posted on the private blog.]

Recently "MamaFoster" posted about foster care money and how her stipend works. I've been meaning to write a post about it ever since. Here is how mine breaks down:

Daily Rate: First I should note that I foster through my county's Department of Social Services [aka, DSS] and not through a private agency.* My county has different rates based on age and "level of care." While I can't share our specific rates [to keep my location private], I can say is that if you take a teen, your stipend is increased by a whole 50¢ a day. For special needs children [those with documented physical/emotional/learning problems], the daily rate increases by about $3.75 a day.

Clothing: When a child is first placed with you, there is an initial clothing allowance of around $100. In order to be reimbursed for this, you have to submit receipts. In addition, built into our daily stipend rate is a "clothing allowance." This adds up to be about $70 a month. We do not have to submit to be reimbursed or provide receipts for this "allowance," as it is included in the daily rate.

Receipts: While we do not have to provide any sort of "proof" of how our stipend is spent, we do have to submit receipts to receive reimbursement for certain expenses that are not considered to be included in the stipend. On a regular basis, I submit for mileage reimbursement. This covers trips to and from court, family visits, doctor appointments, school etc. To be reimbursed, you have to keep a pretty detailed record. This is one of the things that stuck in my head from my training over 3 years ago. I'm glad I listened, because it sure has added up. Especially in the beginning when I was taking Jade back and forth to school several days a week.

Medical: Thankfully, just about everything is covered now that she is on state insurance. If not, I would be a hot mess trying to pay for all of this out of pocket and then having to get reimbursed later. Jade has many, many doctors and twice as many appointments. For every appointment a form must be filled out and a copy goes to her SW. This can be a challenge because some doctors don't want to fill out the form or have an issue sharing confidential information.

Allowance/"Child's Money": MamaFoster and some other parents said that part of their stipend is considered the "child's money." The child's money goes to the foster parent, but must be spent directly on the child, or, if the child is old enough, the money is to be given as allowance. They have to provide documentation for how the child's money was spent. The stipend I receive is not classified that way...I just receive a set daily rate. I do, however, give Jade an allowance. I've talked about it before. It comes to about $100 a month, which I think is pretty decent for a 17 year old. I'm currently working on getting her to actually earn that allowance. She isn't really doing much for it and I haven't been that great about enforcing things. That's another post...

Birthdays & Holidays: We do not receive any extra money from DSS for Christmas, birthdays or any other holidays. From the discussion on MamaFoster's blog, it sounds like that is not the norm. Some commented that they receive an additional monetary amount, others receive physical gifts and some get both spending money and gifts...be it nominal or considerable. We get neither. I just had to budget my stipend differently for the month and relied on some plastic. I thought Jade deserved a nice Christmas and I feel like most of the stipend should benefit her directly, anyway. As for DSS, they did not recognize the holiday in any way shape or form. A completely separate organization gave the foster families a very nice Christmas party and gave each family a gift. DSS was not part of this and although they were invited, I did not see a single staff member at the event. This is my first Christmas with a foster child and I found it strange that they didn't do a single thing for the kids. I at least sent our worker a card. We didn't even get that. Birthdays are also up to the foster parents.

I try to spend as much of the monthly stipend directly on Jade as possible. I take her on excursions now and then that require a hotel or admission price, so money is spent there. I also love surprising her with unexpected goodies now and then. She eats A LOT and the kitchen is stocked with all her favorite things and any special requests. We also go out to eat a lot. I treat her friends now and then too. I ended up paying for her school books, but I didn't ask her to pay me back because I know she needs that money for a car. Technically, she was expected to "reimburse" me with the money she received from her educational grant. Of course, having a teen girl in my house has caused my utilities to go up and I'm filling my gas tank more driving her back and forth to friends' houses. I haven't seen any "financial gain" since I started fostering full-time, nearly 5 months ago. If anything, I'm more broke! lol. Seriously, though. While we receive a fair stipend in my county, there is no way in H double hockey sticks that I'm living off of it or reaping some ridiculous financial benefit. I don't see how people do it "for the money" unless they have a house full of foster kids and they are seriously neglected. And the special needs rate only adds about $100 per month per child. Again, that's another post.

That is all I can think of for now. I'm interested in hearing about how other foster parents' stipends breakdown...please, share by posting a comment!

*btw, sort of off-subject, I am curious to find out how many of you foster through your state/county vs how many foster through private agencies. All the private foster care agencies around me seem to specialize in special need/therapeutic/treatment foster care. If you foster through a private agency, does your agency only place children with special needs, or do they place "neurotypical" children too?

[private post] Doctor's orders!

2011-01-03T23:27:00.001-05:00

New post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.*

Some days, fostering a teen is a more fun than a barrel of monkeys! Especially when they actually follow their doctor's advice...

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

The not-so-good and the good stuff!

2010-12-27T21:42:00.003-05:00

Oh, how I miss my bloggie friends...but it has been crazy. Christmas came waaay too fast. I really wanted to enjoy the season, but instead I've been tired and stressed. Guess that means I'm really a parent? lol. Anyway, I've been trying to breathe and take in the good stuff, too. [Note: if you are on my private blog list, check out my new post there for a tad more detail.]

As for the "not-so-good" stuff.... Jade has a ridiculous amount of doctor appointments, including ones that repeat weekly, and I feel like all I do lately is rush her here and there. When I say ridiculous, I mean it. I'm running out of fingers to count all the different doctors on. And so much for DSS's promise of "we'll provide transportation to medical appointments." They can't just send her in a taxi because 90% of these appointments require a "guardian" present since she is under 18 [but soooo close to 18!]. Because of this, I've had to take at least 3 days off work [where I shove as many appointments as I can in] and several half days. Jade's mother was supposed to help now and then, but she is so unreliable. If Jade had a car, things would be so much easier. Now that she has all these appointments, I'm over the "I'll miss our one-on-one time." LOL. I'm ready for her to gain some independence and learn how much gas it takes to drive back and forth to all her friends' houses!

Jade has been not-so-good at budgeting her time, too...but getting better. If I am not part of the plan in getting her somewhere [aka, a taxi or a friend picking her up], she magically gets up and out the door in time—all by herself. However, if I'm taking her somewhere, I have to make numerous attempts to get her up and she dilly dallies so much that we are almost always late. I was a teen once, so I get it...but at the same time, I don't. As you know, I've left her home before when I couldn't get her up, and the other day, I almost left her again. I've been giving her deadlines like, be ready to jump in the car when I get home at 6. Eventually she'll learn.

She isn't doing that great in school, either. Jade barely passed half of her classes. Although she'd never admit it, I think it comes down to a bit of immaturity and her learning to do what her teachers ask, even if she doesn't agree. I really hope she pulls it together next semester. In addition to school, she'll need to balance a job and social life with her new-found freedom [turning 18 and hopefully getting a car].

And of course there is good stuff. I've really enjoyed shopping this Christmas! I had Jade write up a pretty detailed list as to clothes she wanted and I shopped mainly off of that. It is amazing how little you can get at these "fad" clothing stores for so much money. That's what she wanted though. So she got a ton of clothes and a bunch of other things. I'm sure I over did it, but I had fun.

I'm already planning for her 18th birthday, which is fast approaching. First I was thinking a surprise party. But then I thought about how off and on she is with friends and that she has a lot of them...a LOT. Plus I'd have to rent out a place and cater the rowdy bunch. Oh, and I'd be dealing with a bunch of teenagers and no guardians. So, um, no. Instead I decided to take her and a friend on a special bus trip and give her a giftcard to spend wherever. Although she probably won't want to take the trip until it gets warmer, it will be something for her to look forward to.

Jade is getting better with chores and following the rules. Sometimes she actually does the dishwasher on her own. It's rare, but happens. She still leaves stuff everywhere [aka, drinks and dirty plates], but I just move it to a higher place so the cats won't get them and let her deal with them in the morning. They won't magically carry themselves into the kitchen. The next step is to get her to help with dinner. Especially with all the running around I'm doing shuffling her here and there. I'm tired of fast food, but there isn't enough time for me to cook something between work and running out the door. Wish me luck. Heh.

She loves the cats and I don't know what she'd do without them. They are a constant source of entertainment. There is always a kitty somewhere that she can pick up and torture. It's cute. She acts like a kid with them and that's nice to see.

We had court recently and they changed her plan from "reunification" to Independent Living [IL]. Her next hearing is in 6 months. Her case transfer to IL will require a change of workers, which I'm not looking forward to. Since SW Rachel has been back, she's been really responsive and helpful. The IL SW [let's call her SW Lisa] I have been bouncing questions off of all along has been not been very helpful and she will likely be Jade's new worker. Soon we will sit down with SW Rachel and set up a sort of contract for Jade's eventual independence. The contract is a way to set goals and keep her responsible for her actions. If she wants to continue receiving help from DSS, she has to follow certain rules. I'm looking forward to it and setting concrete goals. Jade changes her mind way too often and needs some firm steering to stay on track. Having something on paper will be a great place to start.

The moral of this post:
Now I know if I'm going to keep fostering after Jade leaves, I should probably stick to teenagers. It's hard enough rushing around and trying to coordinate everything for an older teen—that I can't imagine doing it for a little one all on my own. While older kids need less coddling, they come with their own set of needs. However, if you forget to feed them, they can usually find food. That is a definite plus. Most younger foster children need to be taught to attach and be dependant on the adult. However, with older foster teens, the goal is to teach them independence and confidence so they can be a responsible adult. Right now, I am better equipped to do the latter. Also, I need to get back to the dating scene and it will be much easier with Jade than it would with a 5 year old at home—that's for sure!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T15:24:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas everybody! We had a lovely morning, Jade was very happy. She said she'd never received so many presents. There will be more at my mom's house, too! I know it is not about the presents, however, she really deserved a nice Christmas after a year with no gifts, I can't imagine. It's flurrying outside. Perfect Christmas. :)

I promise to post an update soon...I did start one, just haven't finished.

[private post] Sigh of relief

2010-11-16T22:48:00.003-05:00

New post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.*

Darn house rules cramp a teen's style!

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

P.S. Eventually, I'll post about some of the stuff I'm putting on my private blog, here [with much less detail], but you'll just have to wait until I feel comfortable enough to do it. Sorry!

[private post] Doh.

2010-11-15T22:35:00.001-05:00

New post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.*

A pdoc dilemma.

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

P.S. to follow what is going on with Rachel/Tudu, check out the blog of "Once Lost" for new Rachel Updates.

Update on Tudu/Rachel

2010-11-11T21:45:00.001-05:00

Here: Rachel/Tudasumom Update- Kids REMOVED

=(

Monthly therapy

2010-11-10T21:59:00.001-05:00

I must say, my Foster Parent Association [FPA] is monthly therapy for me. Without it, I wouldn't have been able to make new friends with other foster parents, and I certainly wouldn't have found other foster parents of teens to network with. I probably would still be waiting for my first respite. It is just refreshing to spend two hours with a bunch of people that are just as crazy as you. Some of them have multiple teenagers, some babies within months of each other, many families are diverse and it is never obvious who is the foster and who is the bio child. Everyone has stories as to how they got here. No one judging, no one labeling you, just a bunch of foster/adoptive parents and soon-to-be parents talking about our passion. Working together to make things better for the kids in our care. Coming up with creative events and new initiatives to give foster families opportunities to do fun things together and give foster children some happy memories.

Out of all the foster homes in our county, only a handful of the parents attend these meetings regularly. In many ways, we work silently behind the scenes, orchestrating a slew of things for our kids and their families. When I'm in the room with all of these people, I'm in my element...I'm enthralled by the stories and amazed by the resilience of both the children and their foster parents.

While I have had an awesome experience, I know one of you [I'm sorry, I can't remember who] had a horrible time dealing with their FPA. Curious, who else has worked with their local or state FPA? Or do some of you not even have one?

"Welcome to Motherhood!"

2010-11-09T22:41:00.005-05:00

...the whimsical statement my mother just proclaimed as we hung up the phone. ::sigh:: Honeymoon OVER.

Jade is sweet and smart and charming, don't get me wrong, but wow is she ever testing me. No, she's not throwing things, screaming, running away...more like subtle tests. Little things that build up, push my limits. Sorry, I can't be specific on my public blog, however, the gist is that I ask her to do something and she just doesn't do it. Last week, I asked her to clean something. One day turns into two and then three and now it's been SIX days and it's still not done. The cleaning supplies just sit on counter, mocking me. Another thing I asked her to do two weeks ago, that she said she did, she never did do. I discovered it this weekend and had to do it myself.

The last few days, she has pushed the limits on staying out late, bringing friends over and not letting me know where she is...besides the whole chore thing. I sat down with her a couple of days ago and went over the rules, this time, on paper. I handed her a copy. I went over each rule. They were simple and to the point, like "respect me and my time" and "clean up after yourself." I also established a spot where I would write her notes and she should check to see if there is anything she needs to do [like when she's off school all day and still asleep when I leave]. It was all in black and white.

I expected a fight...an argument...yelling...threats...etc. The kind of stuff she does with her mom. She didn't. She was extremely receptive and agreeable. She didn't argue any of it. I explained to her that if we are going to make this work, she needs to step it up a notch. Again, she agreed. I figured she realized that she's been taking advantage of things. Well... three days later and things aren't any different. She's still leaving dirty dishes in the sink and drinks on the table. She STILL hasn't done the chore I asked her to six days ago, OR the chore I asked her to do while I was at work today. These are really simple chores...really simple.

Ugh! I don't want to be a nagger and to be honest, I've found that it doesn't work. Apparently sitting her down and going over the rules again didn't help either. So I'm silently deducting her allowance. She's currently in the hole. I'm going to track it so she knows if she earned her money that day, and if not, why. That way, when she gets a third of her allowance for that week, it's clear why. Maybe that will work. It's not even that I need her to do chores, I don't, but she needs to learn responsibility and at 17, she needs to do a little more giving around the house and less taking. I guess the whole ignoring that I asked her to do it is what bothers me the most. It's disrespectful. I was never this way, so I just don't get it. I'm hoping the money hits the spot because there isn't much I can take away other than money...and right now, I'm her only source. If she doesn't get it from me, she'll have to break into her car fund....or....or.... ::drum roll:: she could just do the chores, and earn some good money!

Tudu update

2010-11-04T22:55:00.001-04:00

Another pass-along about Tudu: an update from one of her blog friends.

She's baaaaack

2010-11-02T22:34:00.005-04:00

You may have noticed the feed on the left, but if you didn't....

Guess what?

Baggage is back!

For reals.

And on a side note, I was asked to spread the word that Tudu/Finishing Off Our Family is taking a break from blogging for a while due to privacy reasons. She promises that she will be back.

[private post] Ahhh!

2010-11-02T22:27:00.001-04:00

New post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.*

Lots of craziness going on. I could use a little advice. [I might eventually post about this over here, but for now, it's too "new"].

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

Honeymoon over?

2010-10-26T12:38:00.004-04:00

As I promised you....

So much going on, don't know where to start. Been busy, there's never a dull moment. Jade got her license, but it will be a while before we can get her a car. The money she thought she was getting from a scholarship program was no where near what we thought it would be. I promised her that I'd pay for a portion of her car insurance while she found a job. Part of that was going to come from a chunk of money she owes me. I've decided to just let her keep that money, although part of it will still be the money I was going to pay for car insurance. Provided she doesn't spend that money, she'll have money for the car insurance and probably at least a few hundred extra.

Speaking of not having a car... because of it, I have to take her into school a few days a week. It's quite a ways out of my way, so I have to get up an hour earlier than usual on those days. Well, the other day, I told Jade the night before that I needed her in the car by a certain time the following morning. I reminded her of this one more time before I went to bed. The next morning, I spent 20 mins [this is a usually morning ritual] trying to get her up. After numerous warnings, I gave her a final one, telling her she'd have to use her own money and take a cab if she wasn't in the car in 5 mins. Because I didn't know if she actually had any money and keeping her from school might be considered "cruel and unusual punishment" [I don't know, not taking my chances], I left money on the counter with a note saying it was being taken from her allowance. Altogether, I gave Jade another 10 minutes waiting in the car. Then I left. I've talked to her about the whole "when I say I need you in the car by ___, I mean be in the car by ___." but she has no sense of urgency. Honestly, I don't ask much from her, so when I ask her to do something, I expect her to respect that. Later when I saw her, I didn't bring up the "incident" because I don't want to be nagging and I figure losing nearly a quarter of her allowance because she wouldn't get up is enough of a neon sign. If she were to bring it up the deal is, "my consequence for being late to work is losing my job. Your consequence for making me late to work is losing your allowance, I think that's more than fair." Teenagers!

To be honest, I'm happy I finally hit the hump. Like I said in the last post, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me, the first time to have to "discipline" or take something away is the hardest. Once I've done it, I feel like the consequence has been set so it's easier for me to impose it a second time. I won't hesitate using it again. I'm just glad we were still "cordial" after I did it. I don't want her to think I'm mad at her, I know she struggles with getting up in the morning, I'm the same way. However, she needs to learn to be responsible and respectful of my time.

Another recent "let's challenge Ms. Crayon" incident happened that I nipped in the bud by utilizing rules of DSS and coming up with an alternate plan. I feel good about that one. I steered clear of any drama. So, these two incidents lead me to believe the honeymoon is over. But it's a big sigh of relief on my part, to be quite honest!

On another note, lots of great things going on with our Foster Parent Association [FPA]. With a recent event, we managed to raise several thousands of dollars. :) We will be using a portion of that money for holding big birthday parties and providing gifts for the children in foster care. I think it is an awesome idea and all of the venues we contacted were willing to donate the time slots and some even offered to provide the food. If you are a foster parent and you have one, I highly suggest joining your local FPA. I get the "inside scoop" on so much and I feel like I'm making a real difference. I'm part of many decisions that affect the kids in care. Especially if you are waiting for a placement. It gets you doing something!

In other news, I'm hoping to join a sub committee [apparently several foster moms want to join, but the group can't be too big] that the FPA is putting together to talk to a handful of DSS staff about how they can better communicate with foster parents. Sort of like a task team. I also wrote letters to local congressmen regarding several issues I've encountered with our county's DSS. One of the issues I had, a foster mom will be using as an [anonymous] example of how screwed up the system is, when she goes to talk to one of our county's officials in the next week or so. I also hope to get together another sub committee or support group of some sort for foster parents of teens. Our DSS is useless when it comes to supporting us and providing us with resources. I think if we got together, we could use each other as support [um, carpool, anyone] and share ideas to help our kids succeed and become successful adults.

Well, that's all for now. I'll save the rest for another time. ;)

[private post] Honeymoon over?

2010-10-26T02:28:00.004-04:00

New post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.*

Signs the honeymoon might just be over... [I'll get around to posting an edited version of the post on this blog, but for now it's only available over there.]

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

A new calling?

2010-10-23T01:11:00.004-04:00

I'm still here, but so busy. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. Oh, I've composed many posts in my head, they just never made it here. Of course, there is lots to fill you in on about Jade, but I will go into that in another post. Things are going well, she's a great kid. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop....for me to do something that causes her to hate me and tell me I'm "ruining her life." But, that hasn't happened yet. Lets hope things stay that way! Anyway, this post is about me.

I'm having a confused moment. Not quite sure why. Could it be because I just saw a movie about a social worker & foster child? Perhaps it's because I am inundated with all things foster care right now, more so than ever before? Is it because I just saw a speaker who talked about unconventional living? Or maybe it's really God speaking to me? Anyway, I'm afraid that I'm not on the right path. Not with foster care, but with my job. I'm not happy doing what I'm doing. Is it normal in a review when your boss talks about your "future" career path and how there might soon be an opportunity for advancement...that I cringed inside? That I pretended it sounded awesome? Even as my boss posed the question, "10 years in the future, would still want to have the same title or be in a higher position?" I may not have the best boss, somedays I go home crying, but I have a good job. I've been there many years. I make decent money for the sector I work in. I have excellent benefits. They pay for my school. I use these positives to persuade myself that this is where I belong when I feel trapped. I should be grateful. Especially in this economy. When I question my happiness at work, I feel selfish. Why can't I just be satisfied?

But I'm torn. I feel like my calling is working with children. Sure, I'm doing that as a foster parent and in some of my volunteer work, but it isn't enough. I crave more. I'm bored at work. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of spending the day in front of the computer. I can't concentrate for the life of me. I don't want to be there 98% of the time. I drag myself out of bed every morning...and I mean drag. Does that call for change? But the change I want would be radical. I looked into switching careers a few years ago, and it would require a full 360. Some serious back tracking. There is no connection in my field of work [art-related] to anything I really want to do. Ok, maybe art therapy for kids. But the closest school for art therapists is nowhere near me, not to mention there's probably like 4 jobs open in that field in the entire US. Not a viable option. So where does that leave me? Confused as heck! How do I fix this? Am I willing to finance another degree? I'm in the process of earning an master's in my current field. It is a very, very specific degree. I can't just quit going. My boss would want an explanation. What do I tell them? "Oh, I've decided screw this, I wanna do something else." I really can't. I'd basically be saying, I don't care about advancement or goals at this place, I want to leave. Been there, done that. It was very uncomfortable. Do I continue going to school to earn my master's while attending another school to do something else? I'm strapped for time enough as it is.

So what exactly is it that I want to do? Is it possible that I'm feeling called to work for DSS in some capacity? Maybe even become a social worker? [go ahead, start the flaming now] Honestly, I'm not really sure. I'm still working through this feeling. Whatever this job may be, I realize I don't need to "save the world"—but I can certainly try to make a difference in this crazy place. Keeping doing what I'm doing now, 40 hours a week, is making no difference whatsoever. Is this what God wants me to do? Is this where I should be? Am I fully utilizing the talents he gave me? And where do I begin? I suppose what I should do right now is investigate. What can I do at this stage in the "game" of life. I think I will look into what sort of jobs are out there in social services, and what it takes to get a degree in social work.

So have you ever felt a calling? Is this what it feels like? Cuz tonight, I'm feeling very anxious, confused and scared about what is possibly being asked of me.

How becoming a foster parent has changed my life

2010-09-26T18:32:00.004-04:00

I'm single, 30 and have been living by myself. I've owned a home, solely, for 6 and a half years. I've had crushes and dated, but no boyfriends. So you might be wondering what it is like to go from a carefree, quiet life to becoming the foster parent of a 17 year old over night? I know I wondered this [not exact] question all the time when I was waiting for a call to take a child. What would it be like? How will I adjust to life as a parent? Can I give up my social life for this? Will I lose all my me-time? Will my life completely change?

That said, I thought I'd take a post and address these questions. So I've come up with a list of how my life has been impacted [big and little] since becoming a foster parent of a teen:

• I have become a taxi driver, but I am ok with it. Why, you ask? Because I know that as soon as she gets her license and a car, we won't have this time to talk one-on-one during the drives. But she has a lot of friends. A lot. And they live all over the county. Some it takes more than 30 mins to get to. I never know when she'll need picked up until she calls me. I sort of have to drop everything. But like I said, once she has a car...I may never see her.

• Related to the change above, I'm filling up my gas tank much more. Instead of every 6 or so days, it's every 4 days. Interestingly though, I'm getting better gas milage. lol.

• Picking her up at school 3 nights a week [usually late b/c her classes go all day] and taking her to and from friends' houses, I've given up my evenings. Again, I am perfectly fine with this. Why? It's not about me anymore.

• That said, I don't visit my girls at X RTC as often. Instead of every other week, it's about once a month. I usually go on the day she has classes really late.

• I don't get to hang out with my family as often.

• I had good reason to get myself the macbook I always wanted...hehe. She needed a printer, and I got one free with a macbook, so.... It is nice to have because my imac is out in the open but now I can type up my blogs in the comfort of my bed!

• I have to go to the grocery store, a lot, and actually get food. I can't eat out like I used to. I try to make meals. Although it is hard to coordinate when we will both be home with our late-night classes.

• Speaking of groceries... she eats a lot. And not the kind of stuff I eat. If I did, I'd gain 100 pounds. So usually I am buying food that is not for me.

• I get to shop. Be it groceries or clothes or necessities or little surprises. I love to shop. It doesn't have to be for me...so I get to shop for her now, and I enjoy it.

• I have lost complete control of the tv and DVR schedule. I am watching shows I never thought I'd watch.

• I'm constantly running the dishwasher.

• No change in how often laundry is done because she does her own, thank goodness.

• I have a VERY messy room in my house. A room that used to be pristine. How do I deal with it? Keep the door shut. It's her space now, it's no longer my extra room or storage space [gosh how I miss the little hiding spots in that room that I could store random things, lol. But it had to go to the basement to make room for her stuff]. It is her space and I respect that. If she wants it messy, she has to sleep in it.

• Lots of sleepovers and guests. There is always someone new to meet.

• I have to plan. I can't willy nilly pick up and go. However, her plans constantly change....from minute to minute. Therefore, it is hard to plan, but I manage.

• I also have to make decisions, big decisions, on the spot. Like when I'm in the middle of class and she texts me and asks if she can have a boy over when I'm not there.

• Allowing Jade to drive my "new" car. At least she has been on a permit for quite some time, but it is still scary as crap. LOL.

• Taking off work for court, doctor's appointments, family meetings etc. It's not as much as I thought it would be, but it's an added stress, especially when I have little notice.

• Bedtimes aren't an issue for me. We both like to stay up late and sleep in. As long as she is quiet [she usually is], she can stay up late. And if she stays up late on a school night, she has to deal with getting up early anyway and being tired all day. It doesn't affect me, so it's fine.

• Lights. Constantly. On. I'm always going behind her and turning them off. Prior to Jade coming to live with me, I was obsessed about not leaving my lights on. My electricity bill is high enough as it is. But guess what? All those lights left on made virtually no difference on my electricity bill. I was really surprised. I will be cringing less now when a light is glowing and no one is in the room.

• Water bill will surely be going up. The girl loves long showers!

• Contrary to popular belief about foster parents, I've not had any "financial gains," in fact, I'm a bit broke. By the time you see your first check from DSS, it has been long spent. And not on me, on Jade. You really have to have money in the bank to do this. There are definitely added expenses to having a child in your home. While I don't have to pay for daycare, soon I will probably be helping with her car insurance and other new necessities as she becomes more independent. I also give her a decent allowance. At least I think it is decent after talking to other parents of teens. She doesn't really have any chores, I only ask her to vacuum once in a while. I figure I'm getting money to take care of her, she should be getting some of it. I also plan to put some in the bank so she'll have some money when she leaves.

• I still get naps! One of the benefits of fostering a teen, lol. I sneak them in here and there.

• I have someone to take care of, and I like it. It's given me new purpose. I've learned to share and not be as selfish with my stuff or my time.

Despite anything I've given up, I am so happy I chose to keep Jade in my home. It is hard to make a quick decision when you get a random phone call asking you to take in foster child. You don't know when that call is going to happen and you don't know where [the call for Jade came on a Friday afternoon while I was at work]. You don't have many details on the child to go off of, if any at all. It comes down to a few seconds to say yes or no to a decision that will change everything. I'm glad I said "yes." :)

Any questions? I'm happy to answer any questions about fostering in general/fostering teens. I'm sure there are things I didn't touch on in this list, although this list got quite lengthy!

Maybe I need an Intervention?

2010-09-23T19:09:00.000-04:00

This is not related to Jade at all, but I'm sure some of you will enjoy.

Sooo... are all Psychiatrists [aka pdocs] a$$holes, or just the ones I choose? Well, technically, this time around it's the new pdoc's office staff.

The back story: I'm running out of my prescription of Lex@pro. I order through a mail-order pharmacy and the doctors usually write 90 days with three refills. I didn't realize this one was different. I had been on this med for a while now and already had a prescription from my previous pdoc. When that ran out, I sent the new one in. Makes sense, right? Only problem is I didn't realize it was a 90 day prescription with no refill. I wanted to give the doc enough time to order a refill and for it to process through the mail-order so I contacted the office about 2 weeks ago [when I noticed it was getting low and I then saw no refills on the label]. I called the main office and she told me to have my pharmacy contact them. I explained that it was mail-order so it was different, but I would see if they could do that. I went online and chose the option to "contact doctor for refill." I kept an eye on it as it "processed" and then a few days later, was denied. So I called again. This time I asked if they could just fax something into my regular pharmacy. She took down the number and said she would. Called the pharmacy 2 days later, nothing. I get an email from my mail-order place saying the Le*apro had shipped. I was like, "really?" and I believed it. Figured maybe the doctor ok'd it after all. A few days later, it said it was denied. Now I'm more confused.

Flash forward: Today, I call my regular pharmacy and ask again if they received any orders for me. Nope. So I just called the pdoc's office again. I give the girl my name and she looks me up.

"Oh, you haven't been in [in so many] months, I can't order you a refill."

"What? I've been going back and forth with you guys for 2 weeks trying to get a refill and you are just telling me this now?"

"Well, you haven't seen the doctor since_____."

"I know, you just told me that, the year has flown by. So I'm supposed to quit my prescription cold turkey*?"

"You can go to the ER."

W.T.F? Seriously? "That's nice. So I guess I'm quitting cold turkey?"

Well, where HAVE you been getting your prescriptions? [the drug addict that lives in my basement of course. No, actually I told her that my old pdoc had given me a prescription before I switched to the new one]

"For the last ___ days?!" [I explain the mail order thing and how it is written for 3 months and that there are usually 3 refills. She didn't get it. Obviously, I'm a drug addict.]

I gave up, "I suppose I'll make an appointment, I was going to anyway."

"We have 1:30 open on October ___"

"Well, what's the earliest time he sees patients?"

"1"

"Ok. What is the latest?"

"1:30"

"So he only sees patients from 1-1:30?"

"Yup"

::sigh:: "I meant IN GENERAL, when is the earliest and when is the latest appointment times?"

"He sees them from 8am to 6:30pm. But there is nothing open"

"Until when? I'm sorry, but I work during the day"

"mid-October"

"Well you have me stopping the drug cold turkey, so does it really matter?" [So she gives me a date in October at 6pm, but I tell her I have classes on that day. So she gives me the option of 6pm the following week on the same day. I tell her I HAVE CLASSES THAT DAY.]

"Well, I have 12:30 open [this day], 11am open [that day]..." [I explain to her again about how I do this thing where you go to a place and you do stuff for a certain number of hours and then they pay you... She sounds confused and tells me again, that it's going to be a while until I'll get an appointment then.]

"Just tell me when he can see me later in the day."

"November [---] at 3:30."

"Fine, I'll take it, I'll just have to leave work early. You've been a lot of help."

Do you know how bad I wanted to scream? And why the freak do these people always assume you are lying or trying to swindle them? Remember this post about my old pdoc? [which is one of the reasons I got a new one]. If I was a drug addicted psycho, do you really think I'd be asking you to get me a prescription for 10mg of Lex@pro? Why wouldn't I ask for Li+hium or V@lium or some sort of pain killer. Idiots. They're all idiots.

In a fun twist, my mom takes the same medicine, only at a higher dose. When I told her about what happened, she is letting me "borrow" some of hers [I'll just have to cut them in half] until I can get my appointment and I'll just give her the same amount back when my prescription comes in. So basically my pdoc has caused my family to resort to drug trafficking. Good times, good times...

*Most psychiatric drugs have some sort of side effect if you just stop quickly without tapering the dose. Sometimes the withdrawal symptoms can be serious, as with P@xil. With someone that has severe mental health issues, it can cause major mood alterations. The person I spoke with does not know my diagnosis, health history, list of meds, etc, etc. I don't think a administrative assistant should be the end-all to my conversation. But whatever. Because I sensed I'd run into a problem, I started taking the pill every other day....so technically, I wouldn't be quitting cold turkey. Recently, I posted about weaning myself off Lex@pro and it didn't go well. I ended up going back on it. I started getting highly irritated at every little thing.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

2010-09-20T23:31:00.004-04:00

A frenemy's recent facebook status:

Ahh, finally able to relax...Kay's schedule is gonna be the death of me yet!

I really want to respond, "just wait till you have one in college, LOL." But I don't feel confident chiming in on other people's conversations about their teens. I feel like a poser. Doesn't help that some of my coworkers are [pardon my french, but it's been a rough day] a$$holes and when I say anything about Jade, they dismiss it. What, you can talk about how your child almost missed the school bus this morning but I can't talk about how my teen missed her first class because the taxi never came? I think it's valid for me to add that to the conversation. But sometimes this coworker won't even look at me when I'm talking about Jade. This particular person has an adopted child. They have always been a weird person, very passive aggressive...extremely moody. Anything they've said to me about Jade or me being a foster parent has been quite fake and usually forced. This coworker is much older than me. Do they feel threatened? Is it because I've entered their "territory?" Some people can be so petty. You'd think because they went through the adoption process, they'd understand, but nope.

While I'm a foster "mom," I'm not Jade's mother...and I don't feel like a mother. However, I have motherly duties. Waking her up in the morning, getting her to school, making sure she doesn't forget anything, making her meals [sometimes if she wakes up late and we are in a hurry, I even make her lunch], providing her necessities, taxiing her around to her friends, supervising sleepovers, making doctor appointments, advocating for her needs, teaching her to drive, helping her find her first car and insurance....and the list goes on. Am I not doing anything any other parent of a teen would? Am I worth less because I'm not real? Am I less worthy than a stepmother? Less worthy than girlfriend of a single dad? Where's the line? Where do I fit? I feel like an outsider.

To top it off, I recently had my review at work. My boss said I've been "negative," but never claimed this was her opinion, instead she said it was "peer feedback." I have worked so hard this year to put on a happy face. And I've been genuinely happier this year than last year. I don't get it. I feel stabbed in the back for things I may have said here or there to a certain coworker. Not sure how to handle it. If I keep to myself, I'd be considered snotty, not a team player...I'm being "negative." If I just stop associating with this person, then I'm obviously mad at them and I have a "negative" attitude. If this coworker tries to pull me into their own drama [as they always try] and I don't choose their side, I'm "negative" for not wanting to "play." Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Not sure what to do.

To be completely honest? I feel like saying, screw you all, I'm not telling any of you anything. You're not privy to my life. You'll twist it around and stab me in the back. You aren't worthy of my thoughts. But I can't. I have to spend over 40 hours a week with these people and apparently I'm being watched from all sides. Guess I'll perk up the act, maybe pop a few more pills and add "professional actress" to my resume... Argh!

I'm Back

2010-09-20T22:07:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm back, "old" posts are restored!

Disappearing act

2010-09-12T01:23:00.004-04:00

Well, I can post about this....

So, where is everybody? So many bloggers that I usually follow have fizzled or completely disappeared. For some, there are obvious reasons, but for others, no real explanation. Sometimes I feel like I've "reached the end of the internet" because I run out of blogs to read when I used to spend hours catching up with everyone.

Guess I'm going to have to find some new bloggers to follow. But I'm sad because I want to read my old favorite blogs. I don't want to find new ones! =(

Lots of stuffs

2010-09-11T16:25:00.005-04:00

Lots of stuff going on. Most of it, good stuff...but...I have to temporarily take some things down. I'm trying to be cautious at the moment. For right now, I'm only posting on my private blog.* Sorry guys. Keep me bookmarked, I'll be back.

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

Confused

2010-09-07T22:28:00.007-04:00

So I just got this statement in the mail from DHR that says I received payment for the foster care I provided in August for Jade. It lists the "service period" and the total amount. It doesn't include a check and doesn't say where the money went. I signed up for direct deposit a few weeks ago. I sent in a form but didn't receive anything confirming it. The money isn't the account I listed for direct deposit. So I'm a little confused. Guess I'm calling DHR tomorrow... [not that I expected any of this to be smooth, so I'm just LOL for now].

Juggling act

2010-09-06T21:33:00.007-04:00

Things are going well here, just busy busy. Jade has started her classes and has quite a schedule. She got all grants/vouchers she applied for. She also got the funding to pay for her school and books as well as a new laptop. I'm not sure how the grant she received works, but I'm hoping she can use the money towards a car. Jade scheduled her classes so they are together and only on a few days, rather than spread out throughout the week. This is awesome for transportation, but makes for long days for her. She scheduled her driver's ed make up classes, but they aren't for another month. She couldn't get her license until then, even if she wanted to. DSS is paying for a taxi to take her back and forth for the next two weeks. After that, not sure how I'm going to do it, but I'll figure something out. Before the hearing in two weeks, we have a family meeting scheduled to try to work through things. I'm interested to see how things go.

Jade plans to get a job but she wants to wait until the next hearing to see if she has to go back with one of her parents. She doesn't want to go with either parent and at the moment, no other family members are options. She's tired of being shuffled around. She doesn't want to get comfortable/settled and then have to uproot again.

I am so broke right now. STILL waiting on the other half of my respite payment for Joshua and David from May and waiting on the entire respite payment for Maddy and Kaylee from July. Hopefully I'll get reimbursement for some of the things I got for Jade, but I'm getting a lot of "maybes" from DSS. Teenagers aren't cheap! Especially those in college. Supposedly I'll get reimbursed for some of these things. I'm also told there is a possibility that they'll help with car insurance, only a little portion, they'll "get back to me." It wouldn't all be such a big deal except that who knows when the first payment will come. I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm just saying that fostering isn't cheap. Especially since you have to spend a lot of money upfront, way before I'll ever see a check. I'm just glad I had the check for my class in my hand. I've been living off of that. However, I need that money to pay the credit card that I used to pay for the class. I'm really juggling things right now.

I met a friend for lunch recently. This is a good friend that I've spent a lot of time with. She knows about my passion, my volunteer work and that I am a foster parent. She knows I've done respite. However, she was totally unsupportive about me taking in Jade. She questioned every decision and wondered "why she just didn't go away to college." I'm like, "um, money." Then she said, "couldn't DSS pay for it and have her stay on campus instead of living with you." Then I started getting annoyed. What is my friend getting at? I told her, "I don't know all the guidelines regarding teens, but she came into care b/c she wanted someone to care for her. She didn't come into care to be sent out on her own again." Her response, "well, that's what college kids do." Maybe "college kids" do that, but she's 17, she's not 18. She's been on her own for a while. She WANTS to live with a family. I was taken aback by this friend's comments and continued questioning. Why can't she just support me? It's my life, my choice what I want to do with it. This friend has always questioned my devotion to volunteering and sponsoring kids. She was suspicious when I looked into fostering. She can't comprehend why someone would want to give their time and or money for someone else. She just doesn't get it. It was frustrating. I just want support right now. I may not have a newborn, but I'm new at this and teens have their own challenges. I'm enjoying parenting Jade. I like my new purpose. So many people don't get why someone wants to help others. I don't get why there are people out there who are so selfish and have never given an hour of their time to help others. It irks me. It's like the response to what I'm doing is either "you are a saint!" or "you are a weirdo." I'm finding little in between. I don't think I'm either. I'm just someone who wants to help. The Bible has taught me to help others in need, and that is what I am doing.

Anyway, lots to think of and sort through right now. All my effort right now is going towards keeping Jade on the right path and advocating for her.

Keeping busy

2010-08-30T21:44:00.004-04:00

I feel lucky to have her. Jade is a really good kid. Other than the issue with rules, I haven't had any problems. I decided she's 17 and if she wants to hang out with her friends all the time, so be it. She's been living with friends, so it is hard for her to just give up that life. I guess I'm not as much fun as a teen. lol. Once she has a car, it's gonna be hard to contain her anyway. She just can't come and go, though. She needs to tell me where she's going and when she expects to be back. As long as her friends are quiet, I'll let them spend the night. I've also been letting Jade drive my car [with her "rookie" driver's permit]. So far, so good. It was pretty scary turning over the keys to my car to a teen I barely know. But I feel comfortable with her at the wheel. With a rookie driver's permit, I have to be with her when she drives, so I still feel like a bit of a taxi. But again, once she starts driving, I'll see less and less of her, so I'll enjoy the car rides while I have them.

I was away for a couple of days and she was allowed to stay with the "Smith Family," who also have kids that are her friends. The Smiths are awesome and have been a lot of help. Caitlyn, who is one of the Smith kids, spent the night the other day and Jade just seemed so happy and carefree with her around. I love to see her happy and having fun.

Jade has registered for college classes. Still not sure how she's getting there... Jade was going to talk to DSS about it, so when I go to pick her up tonite, I'll find out the options. I'm starting school soon myself, and I'm glad she'll have a class the same evening I do. I won't have to feel AS bad coming home so late. She'll get out of class much earlier than me, but at least she won't be sitting around. I'm excited for her.

Oh, and Jade even called me while I was away to ask if it was ok to spend a night at a friend's house. She said Mr. Smith said it was ok, but she just wanted to check with me. Have I mentioned she's a good kid? lol.

Btw

2010-08-21T20:10:00.002-04:00

Just a reminder that I will no longer be posting on this blog to say there is a new post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.* You're just gonna have to check in now and then. Sorry, I know, I'm making you work!

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read my private blog. Request an invite by emailing me.]

My own little world

2010-08-21T00:27:00.009-04:00

My own little world is no longer population me.*

A week ago, my life was so different. My thoughts were different, my worries were different. Now? There are so many things that I have to put in order so her life runs smoothly the next few weeks. I'm making sure she gets time with her friends and I've been spending my evenings driving her about. I'm even coming home right after work and fixing dinner. That's new for me! But I don't care if I don't get to do what I "want to do" or what I usually would do after work. It's about her, not about me.

I have been in touch with another foster mom with teen experience. I've also been trying to utilize her SW for advice, although it's a little hard to track her worker down.

Anyway, it's hard to try and get her to settle in when she's been on her own for so long...fending for herself. It's not easy setting rules and such without making her feel like I'm treating her younger than she is. While I'm trying to treat her like her age, she's more mature than her age and has had been handling adult responsibilities.

I knew teens were fragile, but I didn't realize how easy it is to upset their world. I went to implement a rule that I felt was reasonable. I talked to others that have teens, including the SW, and they all agreed. Well, it didn't go over well with Jade. I talked to her and decided to be a little more lenient about it. She presents as a very mature young lady who has a good head on her shoulders, but she's a teen. In my heart, I feel like I can trust her, but I just don't know. This is definitely a learning process.

* My Own Little World / Matthew West [YouT^be video]

Surreal

2010-08-17T17:08:00.007-04:00

This is surreal. Not bad, just surreal. Everything is happening so fast. Regardless, I feel like I am doing the right thing. I will have her with me for at least another month. There is so much to sort through. I will post more soon, once I figure out what is ok to talk about and what isn't. I know this blog is anonymous, as much I could possibly make it, but I still want to be sure the real Jade's journey remains her story. I don't intend to share any details...I just have to figure out the best way to share my journey fostering a teen, while respecting her privacy.

I think I'll call her Jade...

2010-08-14T12:54:00.010-04:00

...although this girl is not Jaded at all! She's smart. Both of Jade's parents basically said, "you're responsible enough to be on your own [at 16], so I give you permission to live as an adult." Well, at 16, you aren't an adult. She's been living with friends and hopping from here to there. She has her GED and has already taken college courses. She is enrolling in college in the fall. She talked to her dad before doing this. He dad okayed it. She had sort of threatened her mom that she would and now that she did, her mom is getting scared. Texted her incessantly last night, so much that Jade almost blocked her. This was Jade's decision. She wants to be 17. She wants to be parented. She wants someone to set boundaries and care about her and where she is and what she is doing. She wants a responsible adult to guide her decisions. She's a bookworm and a talented writer. She smokes, but asked if it was ok. I said as long as she smokes outside and I'm not buying the cigarettes. Her mom has been sending her the child support from her dad, so she has money. Because she's in foster care as a teen, the state will help with her schooling. This really is a benefit to her. They're going to help her get a drivers license. Her social worker, I'll call her SW Helen was nice, but only gave me her work number. Um, it's the weekend. I'm new at this. I thought they gave you another form of contact. Most foster parents that I know have their kids' social worker's cell. I asked her for an emergency contact and she said to call the Sherif's office...I was like, WTF? Jade's eyes got real big. I assured her I had no intention of calling the Sherif on her! That's not what I meant. Anyway, today or tomorrow, I'm taking her for her required physical. Found out DSS has an agreement with one of the emergency patient places and although Jade doesn't have a card or anything, the patient place will just bill DSS. That makes it easy on me. So that is where I'm at now.

First Placement!

2010-08-13T13:22:00.003-04:00

I'm getting my first placement! I don't know much, but she's 17 and has been living with friends. I only have her for a little over a week. She will go with another foster family who is on vacation. It's sort of like respite, only more official. :) I'm picking her up from DSS tonite.

[private post] Pity Party

2010-08-12T17:09:00.004-04:00

New post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.*

A post about my weekend adventure...

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

My other kids

2010-08-11T16:58:00.003-04:00

Nothing going on at the moment with foster care or respite, so I'll talk about another passion of mine. I have several sponsored kids. It started with one child when I was 24 and then snowballed. I sponsor 3 through Compassion International and then write to another 7 that have sponsors, but their sponsors do not write [aka, my "writing buddies"]. I also have a child I sponsor from a second organization. The kids range from 6 to 18 and are all over the place including Ethiopia, Uganda, Guatemala, Philippines, India, Ecuador, Honduras, etc.

I love my kids...but I just don't have the time to write like I used to. Some people complain their sponsored kids never write...not me! I only have 2 girls that write pretty much at the "required" intervals, 4 times a year, the rest write much more often. One child sends me at least 3 letters a month...and pictures [which are treasured, it's rare to receive photographs beyond annual pictures]. I've had her mother write me separately, as well as her case worker. I have a little boy that writes almost as much, about twice a month. They are such grateful, loving children. Can I brag that both of these kids are now listed as "above average" in school performance? Do they make bumper stickers that say "My Sponsored Child is Smarter Than Your Honor Student"? Probably not... I digress. The point is, the letters can really add up if I don't tackle them as they come. I tend to wait until I have a couple to respond to since I can use a flat rate envelope and send them all at once.

This time I waited a little too long. Since I last wrote in April, I had ~~over 25~~ 30 letters to respond to from 11 different children. I did good and only missed one birthday by a few weeks. It took me several hours each night after work last week to reply to their letters and fill out all the postcards I've picked up for them the last few months. I made them copies of the photos they sent me and picked out items to include with my letters like coloring books, paper airplanes, bookmarks, stickers, etc. Anything I can find that is flat and made of paper is ok to send—it can be a challenge finding new things, but it is fun, none-the-less.

By the time I was done and made my way to the post office last night [thank goodness for 24-hour postal machines], I had managed to package up over 7.5 pounds worth of letters! I always feel so good to finally make it to the post office. I know it will probably be at least 2 months before most of the kids get my replies, but I know they are safely en route. A huge weight [no pun intended] has been lifted from my shoulders...yet...I can't wait to receive my next letter so I can start all over again!

And a plug... I can't not...

Help a Child

My first respite with girls

2010-08-03T17:57:00.002-04:00

Sorry that it's taken me so long to post this. I started typing it up outside of blogger and adding to it here and there:

My weekend with the girls, July 16-19, was a busy one! Maddy [11] and Kaylee [6] were quite a handful. Constant sibling rivalry. Mostly Kaylee thinking everything was unfair and Maddy getting annoyed with her. Maddy was pretty quiet and could entertain herself. On the other hand, Kaylee needed a lot of attention. Thank goodness she was cute. The first night, I got them to bed late, about 3 hours past their bedtime [I let them stay up since they had just arrived at my house at their normal bedtime]. They played B@rbies and enjoyed the cats. Kaylee fussed a little but went to bed fine. Maddy followed shortly after.

The next morning, I woke to Kaylee screaming around 7 am. Not scared screaming, just screaming random things. at. the. top. of. her. lungs. So I got up and made the two of them breakfast. I promised them a trip the pool, but it would be several hours before it opened. They did some puzzles and then I let them pick out little plaster sculptures to paint. Had a hard time getting them to choose just two each. Ended up painting about 4 each. However, this kept Kaylee busy for a good 2 hours...so that was fine with me. While Kaylee was working intently, I let Maddy go on the Webk!nz site. I made a giant fruit salad and packed lunches for the pool. I asked them where they wanted to go for dinner. I'm thinking they would want to go to one of my favorite restaurant chains...doh. Why didn't I think before I opened my mouth! Where did they want to go? Yes, [insert name of famous children's restaurant]. Of course. I wasn't even considering that as a "dinner" place, but I did tell them ANYWHERE they wanted to eat and didn't set parameters. Lesson learned. Can't back down at this point. They played B@rbies a little and then it was time to go. My sister, Norah, met us with Oscar and Mia in tow. Mia is almost exactly a year younger than Kaylee, but she is sooo small compared to her. Kaylee was a really good swimmer for her age. She just hung on a kick board and constantly kicked, keeping herself afloat for several minutes at a time. We were there for 4 hours. I managed to get burned, but kept both girls slathered [well, myself too, but I seem to be burn regardless]. While we were swimming, I mentioned the trip to the restaurant to Oscar, but he wasn't interested and suggested I ask Mia. Mistake #2. Why don't I think these things thru before I open my mouth? Of course Mia wanted to go. After I asked, I realized I had set myself up for some serious stress.

We went home for an hour and then went to pick up Mia and make our way to the restaurant. Before we even got in the car, Maddy was trying to convince me that the coupon that supplied us with an entree, 4 sodas and 80 tokens was NOT enough. That I needed to add another coupon and get an additional 100 tokens. I explained that 80 was plenty and I had already spent -- on the pool and -- @ an ice cream truck that morning. I was about to spend -- for dinner and then take them for Italian ice after. She still persisted. So when they all got in the car, I set up ground rules. 1] no whining. there's no whining at [crazy kids' restaurant]. it is a happy place. 2] when the food is ready, you have to stop and come to your seat. 3] I HAVE to stay with Mia and Kaylee at all times. Maddy can go to the other side, but I can't leave the little ones, and 4] when your tokens are out, they are out...you aren't getting anymore. Setting up the rules did help a little b/c I could remind them about what we talked about, although it didn't stop them from breaking them. This restaurant is quite overwhelming and a nightmare for an adult with ADD or anyone over protective. It is nearly impossible to keep your hands on one kid, much less 3. They all want to go their separate ways and gosh-forbid they decide to climb in the ceiling thing and you can't find them. I had several small panic attacks. Sure, they have safety measures in place, but any perv can walk in the place and wait in the bathroom. I know, I'm thinking of the worst, but I just don't trust the place. It's too busy. Mia knows to stay with me, but the 2 girls obviously weren't used to an adult's vigilance. When they finally ran out of tokens, Kaylee figured out how to use a knife to get coins out of the machines [what the?]... and they also realized that if the carousel was running on someone else's token, they could still jump on. Then they moved onto the dreaded climby thing where I had no way of knowing where they were. After about 3 hours, we headed for the Italian ice place. Hopped up on sugar, we took Mia home and went to my house. Again, they ended staying up a little late. This time, Kaylee threw a mini fit and cried, constantly calling me to come upstairs. Eventually, I just took Maddy and we went to play upstairs in my room so we were at least across the hall. She fell asleep in about 30 mins. Maddy slept fine.

Sunday morning, I awoke to Kaylee screaming. This time, she was just screaming numbers, counting down from 100. I finally got up around 74. Poor Maddy [who was sharing the bed] had the pillow pressed against her ears. They knew we were going to church, but Maddy kept trying to get out of it. Nope, I go to church, it's just part of staying at my house. I let them play for a few hours [it's hard to be up so early for me on the weekend] and then we got dressed. I packed some coloring books and let them take the wipe off boards that they had fallen in love with. The second we got to church, I tensed up. The pressure. As far as anyone is concerned, these are my children. My children that are either behaving, or acting out. Both opted to sit with me. I had to hush them several times. A couple of the times when we were praying, I had to remind them not to talk. Kaylee saw me take a cup of juice and piece of bread at communion and wanted to know why she didn't get any. LOL. Once church was over, I let out a huge sigh of relief. We made it!

The girls had an unsupervised visit later in the afternoon. Time was tight, so I set up the rest of the day: 1] We'll go to my parents to swim. 2] A timer will be set, when it goes off, you have to get out and get dressed. 3] We will pick up something to eat on the way to DSS. 4] After your visit, you will both take a bath, you can play a little and then bed ON TIME. Everything went well, until after their baths. Since they seemed to really enjoy puzzles, I picked them up 3 more while they were out. I figured they'd have time after their baths, however, things took longer than I planned. It didn't take them long before they started fighting and wrecking each others puzzles. We got through it [it was about 9pm] and I told Kaylee it was time for bed, she did NOT want to go. I got her into bed and told her to pick out a book. She decided to sob and keep asking "why do I have to go to bed but MADDY can stay up!?" I explained as I did the other nights, "Foster Mom said you need to get into bed and to sleep, or at least close too it, so Maddy can fall asleep. Otherwise, neither of you will sleep." She continued to sob. I told her she needed to pick out a book or I would leave with no book. She half-heartedly chose one and cried through the entire book, constantly interjecting to question her bedtime.

When I finished the book, I tucked her in. She cried that she wasn't tired and would be bored and why does Maddy get to stay up. I gave her some quiet things to do [a magna-doodle and flip books] but she crawled right out of bed after me. I took her back into bed, tucked her in again and answered her question as to why she had to go to bed [for like the 30th time]. She crawled out of bed after me. Then "Super N@nny" kicked in. I remember her dealing with kids who won't sleep in their own bed. After about two times of leading them back in their bed and tucking them in, you stop talking to them. You continue to lead them back into the bedroom, even tucking them in, but don't say a word. I thought to myself, "I can do this!" So I took her hand and led her back into bed. She climbed back out. I led her back. We did this about 15 times, all the while she screamed at me [at. the. top. of. her. lungs.], jumped/stomped as hard as she could on the floor and pounded on the walls. All I could think was, oh my gosh, my neighbors are going to call the police. She was pretty darn angry that I wouldn't speak to her. Halfway through this, Maddy came up and I told her to grab a game and go in my room—and when I finally got Kaylee to bed, I'd come in and we'd play something. Kaylee got even madder. "Why are you talking to HER!? That's what *I* want you to do! Why can't you talk to me like that!?..." and so on. Then she started screaming she hates me, then it turned into "You are even meaner than my mom!" and so forth. Eventually, she stopped getting into bed, so I was just leading her back to the room and pointing to the bed. Then she'd throw herself on the floor at my bedroom doorway and refuse to move. She started throwing things. Yelling louder [if possible]. Then getting hoarse. I refused to talk. Kept leading her back. Gently leading her back. I was impressed with my composure and persistence. Finally, about 45 mins later and about 50 times of leading her back to bed, she asked, with what was left of her hoarse voice, for a glass of water. I obliged, then took her back into the room. This time she let me tuck her in. She said goodnight, pulled me in for a big hug and said "I love you." And she stayed. She stayed!!! Praise the Lord! I went into my bedroom to play Memory with Maddy. Kaylee only called me in once, and it was to turn the music up. No fuss. Around 10:45 [and literally 6 rounds of Memory], I told Maddy it was time for HER to go to bed. She didn't want to either. She threw a mini fit. I was like, "girl, I am tired. We have to get up at 6am, you're going to bed."

We got up at 6 the next morning. Other than fighting over cereal, we made it out the door in once piece. Dropped both girls off. They stated that they wanted to come back when Foster Mom was going out of town again. Finally got a hold of FM a few days later and she tells me "oh yeah, welcome to my world, Kaylee used to do that 3 times a day, now she only does it once a day, usually at night." Gee...thanks for the heads-up. Telling me she screams when you put her in time-out was not exactly what I experienced. Regardless, I am happy for the experience. Tired and ragged myself, I dealt with a raging child and survived. I used my skills and it worked. I feel good about myself! Plus I asked my neighbors if they heard a child screaming, they said they never did. Good to know! I must have some thick walls! FM asked if I could take the girls again, this time for a full week. I did consider it, but I wouldn't be able to make it to the child care center they attend in time to pick them up after work.

Oh, and the Foster Parent Association sub-committee I'm in, met on a day I couldn't meet. I asked if they could just share the minutes with me so we could sort out the details. Well, 2 days after the meeting, I get an invite in the mail for the event we were planning. I was like, "Oh, ok. Guess you didn't need me..." Geesh. Oh well. I *think* I'm still on other sub-committee. Then again, who knows! lol.

[private post] My first respite with girls

2010-08-03T17:27:00.009-04:00

New post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.*

I finally posted about my recent respite placement with Maddy & Kaylee + a few photos. I will post about the visit here, too, shortly.

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

What to do...

2010-07-15T21:40:00.000-04:00

I should be cleaning right now, but I so am not. Had a long day. Got up super early for an off-site meeting and spent a total of 3 hours in traffic today. Came home, took a nap and just ate dinner. The girls, Maddy-11 & Kaylee-6, are coming tomorrow evening so I need to be cleaning now. I've got to do the run through and hide/lock away any *dangerous* things [i.e. medications, detergents, cleaners, etc] that have made their way out of their spots. Clean any junk out of the extra bedroom, as it is the catch all when I have no place to put something. Oh, and I need to put the password back on my computer.

Just found out that the girls have an unsupervised visit for a few hours this weekend, which is fine, I'll just plan around it. Still haven't figured out what I'm going to do with them. I wanted to do something special. I was thinking of taking them to the movies, but they already saw the movie I was thinking of and thanks to Integrity Singer's review, I know Despicable Me would not be a good choice. There are a ton of other things around here, I just need to do a little research. I did finally get my pool pass and I plan to take the girls at some point. That might be enough for them, I don't know.

Well, hopefully all will go well! I'll keep you updated.

Yes!

2010-07-12T23:53:00.002-04:00

I finally went through this blog and RE-published the things I was ok with publishing publicly and edited or deleted those I was not. It was a very tedious process and one wrong move and either I'd delete something, or publish something from 2007 as new. And there's no going back. Arg! Only one post is completely out of que [I'll give you a dollar if you can find it. j/k...it's too easy.]

As promised in the post from earlier tonite, here's an update:

Faith ran away again. Her dad doesn't think she's coming back and it sounds like he may not even want her back. The people she is staying with came for her stuff and told him to "sell the rest and send her the money." He's pretty angry. I don't know the girl she is staying with. Her dad gave me the number of this girl's house, but I feel kind of awkward calling. I really don't like talking on the phone and the last time she called, she wanted something from me. Not sure what I'm going to do. It's definitely not like my other mentoring relationship with Cori.

Speaking of Cori, I got to see her a few weeks ago. In a strange coincidence, she was on vacation with her parents the same week I was, and staying a mile or two down the road. My sister, Norah and her husband and kids were all staying at the beach together and we had access to several pools. Norah, Oscar, Mia and I took Cori to our hotel's pool and then to the pools across the street and back to ours. Norah and Bob went out on a date and I took all of the kids for pizza. It was nice to see her for a few hours. Mia was in awe. I didn't realize the kids hadn't seen her in about 2 years. Cori looked great, she had slimmed back down to her "normal" size and wasn't overly hyper. As she always had, she babied Mia, but Mia loved every second of it. She carried her around everywhere and kept her entertained. Mia doesn't get carried anymore because, um, she's 5...but Mia was ok with it so I figured whatever. Sadly, I probably won't see her again for a few months. At the new group home, she's still several hours away.

While I was away [I went on 2 trips during my absence, that's why I've been missing], I got a call for an emergency placement for "just one night." Of course, I couldn't take it b/c I was...well...away. It was nice to be called though. I just got a call today from the foster mom that I almost did respite for back in April [see: So close]. She needs respite this weekend for just the two girls. Friday night through Monday morning. The girls are 11 & 6. They have a brother who will be at another home for the weekend. I don't know the circumstances, so I won't judge, but this foster mom is intending on splitting them up [girls in one placement and the boy in another]. All I know is that the girls are pretty good at entertaining themselves. The older one is quiet likes embroidery and crafts. The younger one is talkative and although foster mom said she will do time out, she will stand there and scream at the top of her lungs first. That's all I know about her. I should probably alert the neighbors. lol. Seriously though...

Oh, and this weekend, I got to see a foster/adopt family that had moved a looooong way away a few years ago [right after I made friends with the mom =P]. They had a large sibling group and adopted 3 of the 4 kids but could not handle the fourth. [This sibling spent time at X RTC on my unit and she was eventually adopted by extended family.] While spending time with this family, I watched the youngest interact with my niece, Mia, who is the same age. Oh my gosh, this child is a mini version of her sister [the one who was "disrupted"]. She was all over the place, very hyper, running around, not afraid of anything, throwing things and hitting anyone she saw [um, me] with this blow-up thing-a-ma-jig. Mia was getting annoyed with her. There were these bugs flying around that they thought were bees. One rested on a toy so I went over to it and "petted" it, showing them that it was not a bee, but some kind of beetle. The little one flipped out and told me that I am "NOT" to touch bees and started hitting me. LOL. This family has their hands full. I just hope the little ones grow up free of mental illness and that they always have a relationship with their sister. Anyway, I'm excited to have seen them again and I'm looking forward to my respite placement this weekend!

[private blog] ...and she's gone.

2010-07-12T20:15:00.000-04:00

New post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.*

Faith ran away again...and this time her dad thinks it is for good. I'll post a little more about that and some upcoming respite, soon, on this blog too!

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

A little bit of everything

2010-06-16T18:16:00.000-04:00

Sort of random, but I was kind of annoyed that my allergist, yet again, thinks he can treat anything. I went for an appointment recently and told him I was just getting over a strep throat and crazy allergies and I had a lot of stuff [I'm sparing you a gross word] in my throat. His response? It's stress related. Really? Stuff in my throat=stress? It has nothing to do with me getting over being sick? I never heard of that. So he prescribes me Loraz@pam because it should "clear up my throat problem." Um, ok. And he wanted me to report back what happened. This isn't the first time he gave me anxiety pills. A year or so ago he gave me Clon@zepam disintegrating tablets for when I'm "really stressed" because I came in with high blood pressure after an extremely stressful morning. He knows I see a psychiatrist and he would probably freak out if he knew my allergist was prescribing me anti-psychotic pills. Anyway, my throat cleared up in a week on it's own after my antibiotics kicked in. I never did call back. Don't you love know-it-all doctors who try to treat everything under the sun? He's a great allergist, but very cocky.

Well, I just spoke to Faith's father and she still hasn't run away. Yay! However, she is back to her old ODD-self [ODD=Oppositional Defiant Disorder] and is not listening at all. No honeymoon for him. Her father was very apologetic about her lack of progress despite the time I devoted to her. He's very thankful for what I did and actually paid me back for money I had to spend on her. Cori's parents never really showed appreciation for all I did for Cori...or all the money that came out of my pocket to entertain her. Sometimes I would take her to do something and they said they'd pay me back, but never did. When she was at home, I would take her out for at least 3 hours every week. I don't think people realize the sacrifices you make when you mentor. I provided Cori my time, money, energy and many other resources. I'm not saying I should be paid for something I volunteered for, or that I deserve some award, but at least appreciate me. I feel the same way with X RTC. Like the last time I was there and reminded them that several girls were still without lifebooks. A staff member suggested they just "just throw away the pages from the lifebooks that were left behind and give them those." Um. No. Do you know how much work I put into those? And whose fault is it that these books didn't follow the children to their next placement? It's not like the child can come into the staff office and take their book when they leave, and most of the time the guardian is unaware that it even exists. That was certainly a slap in the face. I spend the money and the time to work with these girls. Not to mention that when I'm there, staff gets at least an hour and a half of free time. Sometimes they do paperwork, but they are usually playing on their cell phones. I'm lucky if I have one staff member over on my side of the unit helping me with 8-10 special needs kids. Bear in mind that I am NOT a trained staff member. I work in a field completely unrelated to psychology. Anyway, I do it from my heart, I do it because Jesus asked his followers to take care of the orphans, widows and the needy...but please, give me a little support here!

Wow, I digress. I really digressed. haha. Although it does lead me into something else... I'm a bit disheartened with the lack of phone calls for placements and or respite. More so since the last FPA meeting really highlighted a suspected "discrimination" against single foster parents. How can someone who just got licensed already have a placement when I've been waiting so long? How can someone else have numerous placements at once, or never see an open bed? I don't even know where to begin. Where do you even start? Who is the one that makes the calls? Because I've already emailed the workers who supposedly make the placement calls. I reminded them that I'm available for placements and/or respite. Not one responded.And what about the children's workers? Do they ever make placement calls, because I've heard there are "favorite" foster families. I want to just leave this in God's hands. I've done what I can. I've made my presence known by attending the FPA meetings [which is the only reason I've received respite]. I've emailed my worker [calling is useless] and cc-ed her supervisor. I've emailed the placement workers. I've been put on the emergency list. There's not much else I can do. Should I trust that God will send a child my way when the timing is right? Because I could also say, "I lost my job but I trust that God will give me a new job" and sit and do nothing and expect it to magically fall in my lap. But I think God would want me to do my part and search job listings and go to job fairs and put my best self first at interviews [no, I didn't lose my job, I'm just using it as an example]. So how much is too much? Am I pushing too much or should I sit back and say I've done all I can. Where is the line? Speak to me! God doesn't show up in a burning bush anymore and he doesn't send angels to give me messages...so I sit and guess and hope I'm doing the right thing. I'm never quite sure that I am doing His work or making my own path. It can be frustrating sometimes and I know I'm not the only one that feels that way.

Still working on the dating thing. No real news on that.

She made it!

2010-06-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

Faith has graduated from "boot academy." While it doesn't mean she got her GED, it does mean that she completed the residential portion of the program. She received a certificate stating this accomplishment.

Since we've come to the conclusion that she guessed her way through the GED, she will more than likely fail [and, if she doesn't, she might want to write a book on her "technique"]. The results will come later this summer, as the tests have to be hand-graded.

Her other mentor, Andrea, will take over from here. Sort of. She'll be the one to keep up face-to-face contact since she lives near Faith. I'll still keep in contact via email/snail-mail/phone. I probably won't see her again until she comes up this way to pick up her test results.

I'm praying she makes good choices from here on out. Since her "little incident" during her first home visit, I have little confidence that she will stay put and follow a successful path. For me, her graduation was bittersweet b/c I really don't think this experience has changed her. It is like she put her blinders on and made a conscience decision not to let it all sink in. Guessing through the GED was just icing on the cake. It was like she was sabotaging herself—children and teens with RAD [Reactive Attachment Disorder] do not seem to benefit much from these boot camp programs and their scare tactics. Anyone out there have success with putting their RAD child in a boot camp environment? And just what do you do with these kids once they are 18?

[private blog] Faith

2010-06-14T23:34:00.003-04:00

New post over at Crayon's private cHaOS.*

Faith graduated from "boot academy"! I'll post about it here shortly.

*[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

ˈres-ˌpīt

2010-06-14T22:53:00.000-04:00

-~-
re·spite
Pronunciation: \ˈres-pət also ri-ˈspīt, British usually ˈres-ˌpīt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English respit, from Anglo-French, from Medieval Latin respectus, from Latin, act of looking back. Date: 13th century
1 : a period of temporary delay
2 : an interval of rest or relief
[Definition taken from Merriam Webster's Online Dictionary]
-~-

A blog friend [actually, a couple of blog friends] recently posted about doing respite or their foster children receiving respite. Respite is a great way to support "full-time" foster parents if you can't commit to long-term placements. In my state [and I think is the case in most states], not just anyone can watch a foster child for an extended period of time. Only licensed foster parents can care for a foster child overnight.

What does this mean? It means you can be a big help to full-time foster families by becoming a respite provider. In my county, you have to become a licensed foster parent to provide this service—this is for the children's safety. Private foster care and other states may have different rules. Once you are licensed, you can do respite on just weekends for even for a week. It is up to you to decide what you can take. With respite, you have control over the gender, ages, behaviors, etc, that you will take. It is not like getting a call in the middle of the night for an emergency placement—you have time to decide and much more information at your fingertips. You might even have "repeat" respite placements. It's always a good thing if a kid wants to come back!

Because you have to become a licensed foster parent to provide respite, there is a positive twist. You might like doing respite so much that you want to foster full-time. ::gasp!:: In that case, you'll already have your license AND experience under your belt. That was what I was going for when I started. I wanted to get my feet wet. Now I'm open to becoming a full-time foster parent and I recently requested to be placed on the emergency call list.

While foster parents in my county tend to underutilize respite, this is not the case everywhere. I've seen many foster parents blog about the lack of respite providers in their particular county/state. It can't hurt to call your local DSS and ask if respite providers are needed and what are the first steps to becoming one.

Frustrated with our workers

2010-06-11T11:12:00.004-04:00

Thank goodness I attend the FPA meetings. If I didn't I would be clueless, I mean seriously clueless. And it's the only reason I've gotten respite.

During a recent meeting, I've found out a few interesting things. A handful of families are on the emergency list and they've received a large percentage of the kids placed in care. Who knew you had to be on the emergency list to get placements. I assumed they call around to all the foster parents. Isn't that the point of being a foster parent? Apparently you can't specify much except when you'll accept calls [like middle of the night/weekends], but seriously. I've also discovered that the foster moms who are brand new keep getting kids. What is up with that? And from talking to other parents in my class, the married ones are getting calls, the singles are not. I figured as much. Needless to say, after the last meeting, I asked to be put on the list.

Also, our workers have a minimum number of contacts they are required to do a year. From our meetings, it is becoming more and more clear that this is not happening. They aren't even getting close. Some of the parents have never met their worker. New parents don't know who their workers are. In 2 1/2 years, I've seen my worker once and had someone other than her do my rectification. We have contacted the director of DSS and demanded they do something about this.

I asked that the person who does the minutes puts in that I am looking to do respite since I don't have any kids right now. I had emailed 3 workers about respite after the last meeting and not one responded. Weekends or week long [with enough notice so I can arrange child care], any age or gender. Gosh, I'd love to have a girl for once! I want someone to play with the b@rbies and dolls and little$t pet shop and all of the pink toys! I just bought some pink legos too. Hehe.

Starfish Story

2010-06-10T14:12:00.002-04:00

For all of you awesome foster and adoptive mothers & fathers — and all of those working to make a difference in the lives of traumatized children...this story is for you. Hopefully it will remind you that you ARE making a difference, and it does not go unseen in the eyes of God.

While walking along a beach, an elderly gentleman saw someone in the distance leaning down, picking something up and throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, picking up starfish one by one and tossing each one gently back into the water.

He came closer still and called out, "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

The old man smiled, and said, "I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?"

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the elderly observer commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely. Then he bent down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the back into the ocean past the breaking waves and said, "It made a difference for that one."

[Not positive of the source, but it is said to be paraphrased from "The Star Thrower" by Loren Eiseley, 1907 - 1977.]

May 12, 2010: Seafood Lovers

2010-06-09T14:19:00.007-04:00

Oops...this is one of those posts that ended up completely out of order when I tried reposting things. It is actually from May 12, 2010:

Thanks Onyx Phynix, Maggie, Marythemom & Tudu with your help on what to do with a couple of boys for a day!

I did get a chance to talk to their foster mom. First, she cleared up something that I was a little confused about. It WILL be overnight. SW H said just Saturday, which didn't make any sense [why not just get a babysitter?]. So it will be Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Poor boys. I warned her that they would be sleeping in a ridiculously girly room. Also asked that she send them with some sort of accessories...unless they like playing with Barbies!

The boys are "Joshua," 13 & "David," 8. They love skateboarding, so she suggested taking them to a skatepark. That works for me, provided the weather will remain nice. I requested that she PLEASE send them with protective gear. The hospital is across the road, but let's try to avoid that scenario.

I asked what they like to eat. Apparently, they love seafood, like lobster and crabs. Um, ok, that's nice. What do they like that I can afford? lol. No, I'm not taking them to R*d Lobster. Later in the conversation, she mentioned that they think fast food is a treat. Now that's more down my alley.

Foster mom hasn't had these two for very long. She is just going to a party and her bio child is going to a sleepover. She says they are good kids. Only rule is that they have to keep their pants pulled up. Good to know...didn't know that would be on the list, but ok. LOL. I'll have to let ya'll know how this goes.

Talk about cHaOS

2010-06-09T00:41:00.009-04:00

Argh. How come some things will post exactly as they were in the timeline, but others will appear as new? Nobody knows. Anyway, there is a new post a little further down about lifebooks, as well as my important announcement. It just got mixed in with the reposts. Sorry.

Not sure if I'm going to continue to try to reorganize this blog or not, it's a royal pain in the ar$e. Forgive me. I might just post new things. Anyway, I promise things are much more organized over on the private blog!*

[edited 6/9 afternoon to add: I think I figured out the reposting thing. Just had to finagle a little. We should be back in order! I've added a few old ones back in the que. Will be slowly adding more old ones after I sort through them. Sorry, but they probably will be showing up on your blog post feeders as new. I can't find a way around it. Btw, thanks everyone for emailing me requests to be invited. I'm happy to have you on the otherside!]

**[Note: you must be "invited" to read. Request an invite by emailing me.]

Summer lifebook pages

2010-06-08T23:30:00.007-04:00

Last week, I did lifebook pages with all the X RTC girls that were on the unit... all 9 of them! That never happens. I've been presenting the pages in sections, one piece at a time. I gave them the fill-in-the-blank first and when they were done with that, they got the beach picture to color...when they were done with that, they got the foam butterfly to decorate, etc. It works SO much better with these kids than just handing them all the pieces and letting them have a go. It's just too overwhelming. Anyway, they did a great job. I let them put the elements on the page however they want, as long as they fit within the square. The children always walk away proud of their work. Here is an example:

Oh, and the beans I had them plant the time before were supposed to be an easy win, but only one child's plant flourished. Maybe she has a green thumb though, seeing that she has also started a "composing" container. lmao...

Announcement

2010-06-08T13:01:00.014-04:00

I'm probably going to annoy some people and definitely lose some readers, but I've decided to go private. With "actual" kids in my home that are not mine, I'm feeling more and more paranoid about having all this stuff on the web. I freak out a little when someone logs in from my state and just hope it was my sister.

I have to admit that what happened to FosterAbba scared the cr@p out of me. During the last 3 years I've been blogging, there have been others that have closed down due to privacy concerns, trolls and the like. I don't want to get to end up in a corner where I have no choice but to completely disappear, so I'm compromising. I will be moving the majority of my posts and photos to a a new private blog, Crayon's Private Chaos that will serve as my primary home. While this blog will still exist, I will be much more general. For now, I'm "removing" the majority of the old posts and will reactivate them as I clean up some of the details. On the plus side, I can share a little more on my private blog.

I'll try to hit my regular readers with an invite and a few of the people whose blogs I frequent. If you'd like to be added, send me an email at [take out the quotes] "carminecrayon" at gmail dot com or email me by clicking here. There is a limit [=P] on how many I can add, so I might have to pick and choose. Other than a handful of my blog friends, generally, no one knows me IRL. My sister, Norah, is the only exception. I'd prefer to keep it that way. I'd rather not have readers from my area. I hope you understand.

PS - If you think I should have invited you but didn't see an invite, please don't hesitate to email me. Several of my followers/commenters don't have email addresses on their profile! It is also possible I might have forgotten you [oopsies!]. No worries, just let me know. It's pretty much anonymous readers that I am most concerned about.

[edited to add: "r." contact me if you see this, I don't have your email!]

My weekend with Jack

2010-06-06T23:43:00.027-04:00

Oh goodness. Playing around with my settings and I deleted my ENTIRE blog, not once, but twice. Yes, TWICE. Thank goodness that before I deleted it [the first time], I was playing with the "export" options and had exported all of my posts and comments. So, if it looks like I posted 100+ new posts on your feed today, my bad. =P Hey. I've never denied my specialness.

~~Nap~~
~~Laundry~~ [one load]
~~Cat's Nails~~
~~Plant Seeds~~
Can even scratch ~~vacuuming~~ off the list.

As promised, my sum up of last weekend with Jack, my 10 year old respite placement.

Things I learned from Jack, including, but not limited to...
-Mexico is breaking off of the United States
-The Russians are using robot teachers with no arms
-California is shrinking by an inch each year
-All of the bees dying. ALL of them
-The world is going to end in the year 5000 [related to the bees, maybe?]
-And last, but not least, If you live in Arizona and don't use a special cream, your lips will fall off

It was a very interesting weekend, to say the least! He was certainly a good kid, just a little off. Very good one-on-one. He could entertain himself. Taught me lots of card games, hence the name "Jack." He was very polite and clean. A little OCD too. We swam in the pool every day and each time, he look about 20 mins to clean it [with a skimmer on a pole] before going in. He refused to wear any shirts [even though his was soaking wet] that weren't "sports" shirts [made of that shinny mesh-like material]. He would only use Crest toothpaste [apparently it's the only one that works and he brought an entire tube] and brushed each time for at least 2 mins. He was sitting at the coffee table eating Sk*ttles and watching tv when I looked down and caught him organizing them by color [see picture]. Also, when we were leaving a restaurant and he had left overs, he carefully arranged his french fries and dinosaur chicken nuggets in a row before covering them up. It was actually kind of cute.

I couldn't get him to eat or drink. My sister thinks it might have something to do with his ADHD medication, which btw, he would dry swallow even when I handed it to him with a glass of water. Oh, and while he was at the after school place Friday, he apparently emptied the vending machine with money given to him from his bio mother on a recent visit. And when I say empty the vending machine, I mean it. He must have had at least $10 worth.

**image removed**
The Sk*ttle incident

While he was with me, I still managed to get several things done, including weed whacking the yard. No, I did not use child labor. He [on his own accord], decided to untangle the cord and then hold it up while I weed whacked around it. He decided to rake the yard on his own too!

**image removed**
My yard before.

**image removed**
And after!

**image removed**
Some fun in the pool [by the time he was done, I believe half the pool's water was on the ground].

**image removed**
And a drawing of Jasper.

I don't know his whole story, but something to do with him hitting his head and his parents leaving him at the ER. His siblings remained at home. Strange scenario, whatever happened, but he either went home last week or will be going home soon. I haven't been able to get ahold of his foster mom to find out what happened with his last hearing.

Now, on to Faith. All of the kids at the boot camp got to come home for a weekend. The night she got to go home, I met her and her dad for dinner and to help her look for a prom dress. Her and her dad did some stuff Friday and then that night, she decided to run away. She was missing until the wee hours of Monday morning. She denied being with her boyfriend but later said she was. Who knows. Her dad is continuing to try to get them to put him in jail. However, Faith will be turning 18 in a very short time. The police were out looking for her all weekend. She's one of the ones that the boot camp just doesn't help. Some kids really do well and make a 360, but kids like Faith with RAD [Reactive Attachment Disorder] just play the part to get through and move on unaffected. We've also come to the conclusion that she guessed her way through her GED test. Yup, guessed the entire way through. That would be why she was done in less than half of the time the test should have taken.

An update on Cori, she was moved to a group home. Still just as far away. She is taking the transition hard. I need to get a letter out to her...

Well, that's it for now.

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

Putting myself out there

2010-06-01T22:53:00.009-04:00

I was going to blog about Jack, but decided to spend that time putting together an online dating profile [at the urging of a friend]. I decided that since I just spent $100 on a new bathing suit, I can afford $100 for 6 months of a dating site membership. Stupid? Maybe. But I need to do something. It was my New Years resolution to go on at least one date. What am I at 6 months in? Zilch. How am I supposed to find my soul mate when I am not _even_ trying?

I was so annoyed though. I signed up and went through the profile filling-out process thing. I took a lot of time on it—I even turned off GLEE [!]. I had just finished my "fill in the blank" responses at the end of the 30-million-question survey and went to upload a photo. What did it do? What else would it do—we are talking about me, here... Of course it signed me out and said my session had ended. Yup, I lost ALL that I had typed in. ARGH! Double ARGH!!

I'm also "patiently" waiting for my photo to be "approved" so that someone might actually view my profile. Oh geez. What have I gotten myself into?

Btw, I'll respond to everyone's comments soon, I promise.

Small world

2010-05-28T23:01:00.012-04:00

Boy, can this kiddo talk! **note, I've decided to change his name to Jack, it's more fitting** When I first picked Jack up, he was very indifferent. Pretty much ignoring me and giving me one word answers [usually "nope" repeated over and over regardless of the question]. I thought, oh boy, this is going to be fun. I thought maybe foster mom left out the fact that we was autistic. However, halfway to my house, he started giving me two word answers. ...and now, well, I don't have to ask anything, he has told me EVERYTHING. I. mean. everything.

And it turns out that Jack used to live about 5 houses down from me [but his family moved a few years ago]. The way he described it, I don't think he lived there all the time. Jack's face doesn't look familiar, but when he lived here, I didn't know that many people. However, I do recall my next door neighbor going off about how the kids that lived in that house were racist and she was happy when they moved. Greeeaaat... This is going to be an interesting weekend. Some of the comments Jack has made to me were in-fact racist. Very few of my neighbors know I'm a foster parent and I don't know if I told anyone that I am doing respite as well. I got some strange looks walking past my neighbors with him. It's not like I can turn around and say, "remember Jack? well he's in foster care now and I have him for the weekend." As I planned when anyone asked, I also can't just say he's a "family friend." Why I would have him is quite unexplainable. Hopefully my next-door neighbor will not recognize him, b/c I do not want to get into that. Freakishly small world, it is.

Besides telling me everybody's business, Jack has also caught me up on everything that has happened in the entire world in the last 3 years. He's like a walking encyclopedia of random things...except I can't sort from what is true, what is a lie and what is just exaggerated. In addition, he seems to be obsessed with salt. Supposedly too much salt in pet food killed his pet [?] and he doesn't like to eat things with salt in them. Salt has come up several times. For instance when I asked him what he wanted to drink and I mentioned diet soda, he said diet soda is bad for you b/c of all the salt. Oooohkay.

He also has a very morbid sense of humor. While he loves the cats and has "15 or so" of them, he talks about watching all these things on the internet about hurting/torturing animals. He also talks a lot about things he shouldn't know. It's as if he has spent hours a night on Wikip*dia and/or You T*be. Which is quite possible b/c he stayed up all night when he lived at home and wanted me to wake him up "in 3 hours" so he can get used to "little sleep" for when he goes back. Now this should be an interesting weekend...

Got another one!

2010-05-28T13:11:00.011-04:00

I'm doing respite again this weekend. I'll have a 10 year old boy from tonite through Monday. We'll call him ~~Sam~~ Jack. I had just been thinking... "is there really nobody that needs respite for Memorial Day weekend?" when an email popped in my inbox. I'm picking him up directly from his after-school care since his foster mom has to leave earlier in the day. All I know about ~~Sam~~ Jack is that he has ADHD and takes medication, he doesn't get along well with children his age, he is going back to bio family on Tuesday and he likes playing video games and watching tv. Thank goodness I got cable in January. There is NOTHING for kids on tv during the weekends except for a few cartoons in the wee hours of Saturday morning. And that was only if I could get my antenna to tune it in. Now I have the Disney Channel, Noggin, Cartoon Network, etc. And it's times like these that I wish I had a video game system that wasn't 18 years old. Good old S*N*E*S. I don't play video games anymore, but claimed the childhood console since my sister has all the newer consoles. I would like to get W*i*i though b/c of W*i*i Fit, but I just can't afford it. My parents have it though!

On the subject of my parents... they are going away for the weekend, but my dad was kind enough to open the pool. He's been working his butt off to get the filter up and running...that thing is about 18 years old too! Every year we think it's gonna be the "last year," but it keeps on ticking. The tree roots are about to burst through the bottom! Anyway, my mom called and told me she also got s'more fixins', burgers and hot dogs for us. I love that they know my sister and I will be taking over their house for a cookout—regardless of their presence! The community pool opens this weekend too, but I'd have to pay to bring my "guest" with me, so I don't know if I'll be going. Although my parents' pool is always freezing!

Oh, and when I told one of my coworkers I was doing respite, she asked me what it was. I explained that you have to be a licensed foster parent to provide care for a foster child overnight. If a foster parent has to go away for a day or more, they are required to place the child in respite. Her response, "so you're like a sitter?" Um, no... I find the word "sitter/babysitter" to be ever-so slightly offensive. A "sitter/babysitter" doesn't need to attend dozens of hours of training, have the department of health and hygiene, as well as the fire department traipse through their house. They aren't required to have background checks and physicals. They don't spend several hours being interviewed by social workers. They don't take classes on "medication management" and "effects of sexual abuse." I believe I also get paid a lot less. Speaking of money, guess I should call someone at DSS and find out how I am supposed to get paid for respite.

NO ONE has any comments about my house rules list?! Is it perfect? I think not... lol.

Help! House Rules

2010-05-27T13:40:00.011-04:00

Yesterday Maggie from posted about the "n word" [aka, "no"]. I have a problem saying no when it comes to a lot of things. In fact, at the last FPA meeting, I walked out having volunteered to provide dinner at the next meeting, be on the nominating committee and on the picnic planning committee. I also have a problem when it comes to setting rules and limits with kids. My nephew, Oscar, has always been a good kid [with me, anyway, lol!] and I've very rarely have ever had to correct him or yell at him. He respects me, knows my general rules and is very low maintenance. If he forgets something, he just needs a gentle reminder. I don't have a bunch of rules...I think of them more as expectations. He knows to take off his shoes when he gets in the house, not to wake me until 9, ask before using the computer, etc. Only problem I have is his feeling of "entitlement" when it comes to getting what he wants. Like eating at such and such instead of the place I suggest, ordering something more expensive on the menu, asking for expensive gifts and so on. My first mentee on the other-hand, Cori...I let her walk ALL over me. I rarely corrected her even when I should have, I let her do things I'd never let my nephew do, I'd pay for things for her that I shouldn't have. I've been better on setting limits with Faith, but I haven't spent a lot of time with her and the time we did have together was very limited. With the boys I had for respite two weeks ago, I didn't really lay out any rules. They were only here for a weekend, and are generally good kids. Only thing I had to correct them on was bickering.

I feel like if I don't have rules on paper, I will let things slide, especially with my first placement. If I have it on paper, however, and it was discussed, I can always refer back to it. I don't want the rules to be lengthy and ridiculous. I feel like they should be basic and help give the child structure, give me sanity, and keep us both "safe." It would be easy for me to feel sorry for the child and let them get away with things. If the child is here an extended period of time, that could turn into a disaster. I don't think I would even bring out the rules until the 2nd day...at least give them time to process what has happened and not overwhelm them. But I also feel that children feel safe and loved when given rules. I also think I will pull out these rules if I have a week-long respite placement. The rules are pretty much written for a child 7 and older, and some of it would only apply to teens. At the bottom of the rules, I was going to have them sign it and I would sign it as well...then post it on the fridge. Is that a good idea?

I need some feedback from experienced parents. Please take a look at my rules and then my footnotes [I couldn't get a pdf to upload] and let me know your suggestions. Pretty please! I'd really LOVE some feedback. When I go over the rules with a child, should I also include the list of consequences/rewards [see "footnotes" link]?

Now bring on the kids!!! =P

Stocking the drug cabinet

2010-05-25T23:45:00.014-04:00

I had bought a bunch of kids drug/first aid stuff when I originally started the homestudy process. Needless to say, all the drugs have since expired. So... I went on a little drug-spree the other day. Do you think I'm prepared now? Oh, and thanks to the boys I had for respite, I finally got to open my travel first aid kit! yay! lol.

[ok, so some of the band-aids might be for me...]

AdoptusKids.com [edited 5/25/10]

2010-05-24T21:07:00.024-04:00

edited 5/25/10 to add: After some thought, instead of drawing more attention to the profile comparisons, I decided just to remove them out of respect. If I do discuss AdoptUsKids profiles again, I will be much more vague [thanks "r."] But please, if you want to question something I am doing, let me know who you are. It's your opinion, no reason you have to hide behind it! We all have our own opinions, that's what makes your comments valuable. And besides, we can always agree to disagree!

---- ORIGINAL POST:

I got my first angry "Anonymous" comments on my Adopt Us Kids posts. Anonymous only read 3 of my posts—only the ones with the "adoptuskids" tag. Therefore, I can't take it too personally [edited to add: but I thought I should address them:]

[comment 1] "If you are concerned with children and protecting their identity, why are you listing on a public blog their "private" profiles? "

[comment 2] "Again, why are you posting private profiles of kids? It seems like if you have a question about the practice you could just ask AdoptUsKids, they do provide customer service. You could also just blog about the issue without listing all the details of the child's situation. "

The point of posting about the AdoptUsKids public vs. private profiles is so others can see there is more to the story than meets the eye. It is easy to fall in love with sweet faces, but you really have to be ready to handle the entire package. There is some serious reality in adopting a child from foster care. Even a 9 month old baby may have life-long emotional & behavioral problems due to neglect in their first few months. Several of my blog friends are struggling with their children's past trauma and how it is affecting their family. But 90% of them were prepared.

I find it sad that these children are listed in the same manner pet rescues list their adoptable pets. But these are kids and their profiles are open for all the public to see. Some of the profiles publicly list very personal medical information, others are very vague. One sibling profile not only publicly listed information that should be confidential, but revealed the siblings last name and vice versa. I did let the site know, but it was never corrected. Several weeks later the children were "placed on hold" and either removed from the site and/or [hopefully] adopted.

In sharing the 3 profiles [see "adoptuskids" link above] as I did, I made an honest attempt not to identify any particular child...including the state they are from. I had no intention of giving anymore "identifying" information on them then I would myself. No more identifying information than foster/adoptive parents anonymously blogging about details of the kids in their care.

I agree that children who have been sitting in foster care do need to be advocated for. You can't find an adoptive home if no one knows you are there. I just don't know that this is the solution. I think Heart Gallery is a better way of promoting these children with dignity. A small number of children are selected and focused on in each state/region. A professional photographer donates their talents to capture a unique portrait. Usually a reception is held and some sort of meet and greet. I visited a gallery in person and it was very tactfully done. Often the children are later posted on their state's Heart Gallery website, but usually with minimal personal information.

I'm not the only one who has noticed the discrepancy of public profiles vs. the real story. Others have posted about translating adoption photolisting "code" [Not to single Yolanda out, but there are others, I just don't have the links available right now].

I guess I'd feel better if the whole site was only available to homestudied families who have passed the checks and balances. As a foster/adopt parent with DSS, there isn't another place to find children who are available for adoption from foster care [in my case, no other place even within my state]. No one is trying to match profiles...with DSS, you are on your own.

But you know what? I'll be the first to admit that I am drawn to search the listings myself. Who knows, maybe I'll find my child on their someday. But I am not naive. You better darn-well believe I won't be going into it blind. I will be asking to see as much case history as possible. It is only fair for me, the child and our family's future success.

Whirlwind of a Weekend!

2010-05-16T19:01:00.020-04:00

I had a great weekend! Probably spent a good 6 hours of the time we were awake at the skateparks. I figured it's their weekend. They weren't here because they were wearing their foster parents out—the family's bio child was going to a sleepover and the parents were going to a party. So, we did what they wanted to do, which was skate. They quickly made friends at the parks. Although the one was TOTALLY in the ghetto, and the boys there looked like high school dropouts, the kids were generally nice. David [8] is as cute as a button. Adorable mop of hair. He is supposedly hyper, but he was fine with me. Probably b/c he was out running around the majority of the time. Josh [13] was a pretty typical teen, but a good kid. Had them up a little late [well, till 10ish], but both went to sleep fine. Josh let David have the bed. Before bed when we were watching tv, David curled up against me and snuggled. I thought it was cute. I did catch David in a couple of little lies. Like saying he thought he "only took water" when the cup was full of hi-c and when he said he brushed his teeth, but the toothbrush was mysteriously dry. Nothing major. He asked random boys at both of the parks if "they had a pen" because he wanted to add to the graffiti. Um, no...I don't think so. Neither had a pen, so we didn't have an issue. Josh is a good older brother. Picks on David as appropriate [lol], but loving. I didn't have any problems. Sent them home dirty and with cuts and bruises... LOL. How could I not? They were flying around on skateboards. Oh, and David had ringworm. When I told his foster mom after dropping him off, she appeared slightly horrified. Maybe she thinks it really is a worm? Well, he didn't get it from me...had it when I got him!

**image removed**
Joshua

**image removed**
David

And now for a "trick" by Josh [in the black. boy with his shirt off in the background=high school drop-out]:
**image removed**

...and David:
**3 images removed**

After I dropped the boys off, I had a visit with Faith. She was actually upbeat, it was the first time in a long time. It was nice to see her happy and talking about future plans that don't involve working at W*lm*rt. She takes her GED soon. The scores won't come back until August. I don't have a lot of confidence that she will pass, but that is why her dad wants her to go to J*b-C*rps or Americ*rps because they will continue to work with her to get her to pass and also get her a drivers license. Her SS checks stop when she is 18 and she also looses her health insurance. She definitely needs a solid post-residential plan and graduation is coming up in less than a month.

Also heard from Cori, but only via text msg. She was just transfered from her RTC to a group home. Her mom said she is really down right now, so I'm gonna shoot a letter off as soon as I can. Hopefully I'll have more chances to contact her at this place...phone-wise, at least. The GH is nearly 2 hrs away from me, same as the RTC. Maybe she'll have more home visits though and I'll get to see her every once in a while on the weekends.

And now for some random cat-in-container photos!

**image removed**
Too big [Jasper]

**image removed**
Too small [Charley]

**image removed**
Just right? [Chubbs]

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

"Well, that's strange"

2010-05-12T21:23:00.012-04:00

Went to X Residential Treatment Center [RTC] to do art with the girls tonite. So many new faces. It used to be that the girls would be there a year at minimum, now it seems like 90 days is the standard. Some of the new ones have gone home way too soon. A few of them I saw no improvement in. I'm sure it has something to do with funding and insurance. One of the girls on the unit has been there for at least 2 years...the other 9 are new within this year. Anyway, tonite we planted seeds and decorated mini totebags. I want to try posting more photos, so here they are...

Each girl planted 3 things: pansies, ice plant [never heard of it before, it's a cute pink daisy-like flower that only grows to 2" tall] and beans. I threw beans in there b/c they emerge after only 6 or 7 days. I figured with 3 different "pots," one is bound to sprout something...

I had them write their name and which plant was which on a popsicle stick, and top it off with a foam flower. This was an easy task for 90% of the girls.

The totebags were a time-filler. This child obviously had a little too much time on her hands. Just when I thought she was finished, she'd run back and add more paint.

A couple of the finished bags. Very, um, unique. I let them do whatever. Gave them a strip of ribbon, several "jewels" and puffy paint.

One of the new girls reminds me so much of one of my favorites, Dora, who left a few years ago. Let's call her Haley. Same wild hair, very small and can't understand a word she says. Another new one reminds me of Tasha, right down to the blank stare. I'll call her Destiny. Destiny is very low functioning...or at least she plays it well. Staff hasn't figured her out yet. With Haley, it's hard to tell because of her speech impediment. As usual, staff thinks when Carmine visits, it's time to socialize—so I'm by myself with, give or take, 10 special needs kids. Haley finished early and asked for her snack [I always bring something special. This time it was sunflower seeds...it seemed appropriate]. I hesitated and popped into the staff office where about 4 of them were busy talking and eating cake. I asked, "are all the girls allowed to have snack?" I got a "yes," so I gave Haley a bag. 5 minutes later, Haley comes back over crying "they took my snack!" Apparently she is on a liquid-only diet. Um, thanks for telling me. Poor kid.

It was funny because one of the kids, Mary, came over late in the game and sat down next to Destiny.

Destiny got all excited: "Hi Mary! What color do you want? You can have orange, pink or green"
Mary: "Um, I'll take orange."
Destiny: "No, I'm using orange. You can have pink or green!"
Mary: "Ok. Pink"
Destiny: "I'm using pink. Do you want green or orange?"

Mary gets a confused look on her face and proclaims, "well, that's strange" and just grabs another color and starts painting. They are all on such different levels and it is interesting to see how they all interact. Sometimes they are very helpful of the younger ones, or the ones that are younger on a mental level. Other times, they can't stand a particular "low-functioning" child. I was warned by at least 5 girls, several times, to "watch out for Destiny!" "she'll eat the seeds!" "she's not sitting at my table!" "well she's not sitting at my table!" [there are only 2 tables, btw]. They gave me fair warning. It took her 10 minutes to write her name on the popsicle sticks, the first and only instruction I gave her. Anyway, that was my entertaining evening.

Respite call

2010-05-10T11:58:00.009-04:00

I woke up to a call this morning from SW H to take 2 boys for respite Saturday. I said yes. Of course, I said yes before she told me they were 2 BOYS. lol. I'm waiting for their foster mom to call me with details. All I know is that they are 8 & 13 and it is only for the day, not overnight. Looks like I'll be spending Saturday away from the house! Not much to do here with 2 boys. Also looks like I'll be cleaning this week. Since I've been sick, the house looks like it blew up.

Any suggestions for what to do with 2 boys all day, to keep us out of the house, but won't cost me an arm and a leg?

btw, if you didn't read/scroll all the way down—I made 3 posts yesterday.

Another AdoptUsKids profile [edited 5/25/10]

2010-05-09T23:10:00.010-04:00

And another AdoptUsKids. This girl* is adorable too. Actually, her profile is "on hold" because a placement is pending. Parenting her would be pretty darn hard...

[edited 5/25/10: profile info removed out of respect for the privacy of the kids]

*again, name changed to protect her identity.

AdoptUsKids profile [edited 5/25/10]

2010-05-09T22:54:00.017-04:00

Just because. An example of public vs. private/registered profile information on AdoptUsKids:

[edited 5/25/10: profile info removed out of respect for the privacy of the kids]

*Names changed to protect identity.

Busy, busy

2010-05-09T22:02:00.008-04:00

Finally finished up with school...this class was a cinch compared to my last one. I'm hoping to get an A, but I don't want to jinx it! I've been sick for weeks. Between crazy allergies and strep throat, I've been a mess. Sorry my posting is few and far between.

Still visiting Faith. It's frustrating. She cries she wants to come home but she is so close to completing the residential part of the program. She says she's being picked on and her father has addressed it with staff, but he's told that Faith is also an instigator. I haven't spent a whole lot of time with her, but she definitely triangulates [or octagates? ...lol]. Nothing gets through to this girl. You can have a heart to heart talk with her for 2 hours about how she needs to stay in the program and get her GED...she'll seem to agree with you. Then 30 mins later, she'll say she's sick of it there and wants to go home. I've been going on the extra nights to help her with school work. I can tell she is overwhelmed by all that is asked of her. She was on an IEP when she was in school, but remember, she got kicked out. This boot camp doesn't honor her IEP. The last few times I've gone to help her, she obviously doesn't want to do the work. She'll try for about 2 seconds and then look in the back for the answers [they left all the answers in the book except for the math...nice, huh?]. After all this time, she still wants to go back to her child-molester boyfriend and work at **-mart[^]. ::sigh:: I just don't know how to help her. Her dad has tried everything and has decided if she wants to come back home and do nothing [he's trying to get her to join jobc0rp or @mericorp], she's out when she turns 18 later this year. He wants nothing to do with her if she won't try. Can't blame him.

As for Cori, I haven't heard much from her. I keep writing and sending her cards, but she doesn't write back. We are friends on Facebook and I've tried to reach her that way, but she's not on it often. I also tried emailing her parents, usually her dad writes back, but nothing. I just want to at least know if she is still doing overnights on the weekends. Although if she is, usually she'll call me and try to get me to take her out. I just want to know how she is...

I've been doing a ton of foster care training in the last few weeks. I took a discipline class, which was a joke, btw. The trainer was entertaining, but I didn't walk alway with "tools" I could actually use. He actually told us that if we have any anger problems [aka, if you've ever raised your voice in anger] it was because you were spanked as a child [or even pinched in the back seat of your parents car]. I have a hard time believing that. So yeah, I get it, no corporal punishment... but give me some tools for effectively disciplining a child who has a traumatic past. There was so much talking back and forth and [ridiculous] role playing that we only got through half the presentation.

I also went to an all-day seminar for those who work with child abuse victims and their families. The keynote speaker was awesome, but the breakout sessions did not hold my interest. It was advertised to our FPA group as something for foster parents, but it was definitely geared towards professionals. The art session was interesting, but she kept telling us we are not to do any of the things she was teaching us—only art therapists should. Which I get, but again, give me something I can go out and use. For the second session, I chose the one about treating RAD. Unfortunately, there must have been a session before that she was just continuing her talk from. I wasn't in that one and so the speaker wasn't really making sense. It also didn't help that she ran out of handouts, so I was completely lost. Not helpful to me AT ALL. I had found SW T at that point and we sat together. She wasn't paying attention either...playing on her phone the whole time. I was falling asleep and annoyed that I took a day off of work for this. I ended up skipping out before the last big session...I needed some sunlight [and a nap]. There were lots of tables set up throughout the day with information we could pick up. I got ahold of an awesome directory of all the special ed facilities in our state. I've seen it online, but it is nice to have it in the printed form. It gives ALL the details for each facility listed, including hours of operation, age of kids served, capacity of school, whether a nurse is available, etc. I suggested that they hold training for foster parents on advocating for a child w/ special needs in the school system.

Just got another training opportunity in the mail for those bordering on fostering teens. I might go to that one, but again, it's all day. I already have more than my required hours of training for the year. I am interested in fostering teens though.

I emailed the person that runs our FPA meetings again about child care options. I asked her to put it on the agenda 2 meetings ago and she didn't. So I emailed her asking if it wasn't appropriate for our meetings, if she could point me to the right person. No response yet. My questions are important b/c finding a resource for childcare affects what ages I can take. I know she is busy, but I really need resources for child care. I guess I can try SW T, but I doubt that will get me anywhere. I'm tempted to just email the entire FPA list. Grrr.

Well, that's it for now.
[^]btw, you can't work at **-mart w/o a GED or diploma and she knows this.

"My Turn: When Adoption Isn’t Easy"

2010-04-25T20:24:00.013-04:00

In light of the recent Russian adoption story in the news, I found this article, from a recent my Newsweek magazine, to be very enlightening:

By Josephine A. Ruggiero | NEWSWEEK
Published Apr 15, 2010
From the magazine issue dated Apr 26, 2010

When I heard about the adoptive family who sent their 7-year-old boy back to Russia, I was saddened, but I wasn't surprised. They made a drastic decision, but I'm sure other adoptive parents in distress have thought about doing the very same thing.

My husband and I adopted three biological siblings from Russia in 1994—a boy and two girls, all under the age of 5. We saw pictures and were assured they were healthy, but we had to make a quick decision, based on very little information. I'm trained in sociology, but nothing could have prepared me for the challenges we've encountered. The kids had serious medical and emotional issues. Both girls had some level of fetal alcohol syndrome. The youngest needed immediate surgery to repair a traumatic brain injury, and she's had seizures ever since. From the start, they all exhibited defiant behavior. Admittedly, all kids go through that phase, but we didn't expect it to happen so young. Within a week of bringing them home, we contacted our adoption agency and told them our experience was very different from what we had expected. They said something like, "We're sorry to hear that."

My husband and I spent several months with the children at home before I went back to teaching. We played with them and found Russian speakers to talk with them and read stories in Russian. The kids all suffered from posttraumatic stress disorder resulting, we believe, from neglect and both mental and physical abuse. None ever tried to hurt us, but they were unable to control their anger. It was as if they operated solely on a level of basic survival, which never seemed to be replaced by rational thinking. We had to put locks on doors inside the house, because they would take anything they wanted, including money. I'm always trying to teach them—"We don't do this in our family"—but there's no reciprocity. We once found ourselves even charged with neglect—an unsubstantiated charge that was never pursued—when our teenage son decided to live elsewhere. Every kid tries to push the limits. But most kids get it when they've pushed too far and they stop. They care about what their parents think; they love their parents. Even now, I don't see that with my children.

I spent more than a decade researching Russian adoption, and I believe families face three major challenges. First, they are not adequately prepared in the pre-adoption phase for the kinds of emotional struggles their children might face. Second, they often receive incomplete or even false medical and background information. Third, there is a lack of postadoptive services specializing in behavioral issues. Ultimately, I believe everybody would benefit if adoptees were placed in foster care in their home countries before joining families in the United States. Children need a transition period after life in an orphanage; they need to get a sense of what the give-and-take of family life is all about.

Most Russian adoptions are successful. In our case, we kept thinking that our kids' early behavioral issues stemmed from the challenges of adjusting to their new life. But they only got worse. My youngest, who's 17, still gets very defensive and starts screaming. I can't say I have any real relationship with my older daughter, 19, much as I'd like to. My son, 20, lives on his own and doesn't communicate with us. It's awfully hard to take strangers and try to make them into people who love you. There isn't any doubt that we love them, but I think it's hard for them to understand what love means.

My children are a success as far as society goes. My son's in college; my older daughter hopes to go in the fall. They're polite, friendly, and respectful—just not with us. We continue to love our children through all of it. It's like climbing a mountain, but we haven't reached the top, where it gets easier. I'm thinking that may never happen.

So close

2010-04-08T21:32:00.008-04:00

I was SOOOOO close to my first respite placement. I was at our FPA meeting and a parent knew I wanted to do respite and she was going away this weekend. I didn't have my calendar but I thought all I had was to do my taxes and my visit with Faith on Sunday. I figured I could do my taxes Tuesday night and my sister said she'd watch them during Faith's visit [it's prescheduled...once a month, can't be made up]. Then when I got home, I realized I had a big party to go to Saturday for a friend, that I helped plan. Didn't realize it was THIS weekend. Oops... no bailing out on that one. I called the foster parent and she said she'd try to find someone else. I feel terrible. I even met the kids and got them all excited [no vegetables for 24-hours!]. I was excited too. I'd kind of rather do the respite than go to the party, but this is a pretty big thing that I can't just miss. In the end, I had to disappoint someone. Looks like it was the foster parent & her kids. =( I hate that. Why can't I be everywhere at one time? [it would have been 3 kids, btw...I know, trial by fire]

I ♥ my readers

2010-04-06T00:06:00.015-04:00

Oh, and I also want to give a shout-out to all my global readers [ok, and all my US folks too]! My nifty stat-counter is my latest fixation. Okay, actually, I've been fixated on it for several months. I love seeing my map fill up. It is so cool to have visitors from Australia and France! It makes me feel special. No, I don't know your house number or your mother's maiden name, but I can see which city/country my visitors are from. I must admit, that I do get sad when I make a post and hardly have any hits. I can easily get obsessed with checking my stats.

I do get a little creeped out when there is a visitor from a nearby city, just cuz I'm paranoid. I have tried to keep my blog life separate from real life, like FosterAbba talks about in her recent post, The Separation Between IRL and Blog. Only one person in my family knows about my blog, but otherwise, it is a private part of my life. Most people IRL do not know I am a foster, or if I do tell them, it is only a casual mention. I've found that the reaction is often not positive and I don't feel the need to hear others' opinions about how I choose to live my life. Many of my peers think I take too much on or that I give too much of myself and my money. One recently asked why I buy things for X RTC when I only get a little portion back on my taxes. Um, that's not why I give. I don't give to get back. Yeah, I save my receipts and itemize because I can, but that's not why I give. It's like trying to say I want to foster for money. At less than $1 an hour? I don't think so. So many just don't get it.

I just completely went off subject [or "saw a squirrel" as I like to say]. But I welcome all my readers and encourage you to comment/participate more and not hide in the back of the crayon box.

Holding down the fort

2010-04-05T23:08:00.016-04:00

Not much to blog about at the moment. I've been busy. Trying to keep up with work, school and life. Trying not to get overwhelmed by everything. It seems like every second of the day for the next few weeks is planned out. OMGosh, and I so haven't even started my taxes. That's what I'll be doing this weekend.

Work is getting tense again. I can't really describe it, but my office goes through waves where the tension is so thick...you can cut it with a knife. Right now seems to be one of those times. My boss has been moody and acting all aloof. It is amazing how one person can set the tone for the rest of the office.

The semester is winding down, but it is getting more stressful because our final assignment is due in the next few weeks. Have I mentioned how much I hate group projects? None of us have any free time to meet outside of class, and we all live in different counties. Trying to coordinate our individual chunk of the assignment and intertwine them as required is a scheduling nightmare. The few days before it is due, two of us will be out of town so we had to move our deadline up. At least it forces me to finish things by specific dates instead of waiting till the last minute. Although procrastination IS my specialty.

Speaking of school. Poor Faith. I've come to a few of her "tutoring" sessions and I think I've left her more confused. Math is not my best subject...and what does she need help in? Yeah. So I'm in graduate school and I can't do long-hand division. I'm sorry! It's one of those things I didn't retain. That's why we have calculators built into our phones, right? To make it worse, she needs to show her work and my mind thinks back-a$%wards. I can figure out the correct answer, but can't explain how I got there. I tried drawing pictures, but just confused her more. I'm a visual learner. If I have to figure out a word problem with fractions that involves a fence post...Carmine is going to draw a fence post and start dividing it up from there. This poor kid is not going to pass her GED. Not with my help anyway!

Faith seems overwhelmed, and I can't blame her. She wants to go home but I reminded her that she's been in the program longer than she has left...she's accomplished so much. If she is going to graduate from Boot Academy, she's going to do it all by herself, no one can make her. She keeps talking about wanting to see her "boyfriend," Dean. He is HIGHLY inappropriate for her. I can't go into details, but believe me. When I found out they were still communicating, I let a member of the staff know. I don't want to lose her trust, but there is a "peace order" against him that includes no contact with her. I asked the staff to please not mention it was me that told them, but who knows what they will say. I still have to call her dad and clue him in. Last I spoke, he was certain she wasn't contacting him. Not fun.

Nothing to report on the foster care front. Other than I am happy that DSS, both the county and the state, are doing a great job of communicating with parents. We get newsletters regularly now and mailings about upcoming trainings and events. There wasn't much informing going on before, unless you attended FPA meetings. Even then, I don't recall receiving newsletters. Speaking of FPA, we meet again soon, so I'll have some good stuff to share, I hope. Anyone else attend FPA [Foster Parent Association] meetings or some other sort of foster care support groups?

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

Reconsideration visit

2010-03-31T17:33:00.009-04:00

My reconsideration visit went well. I was up until after 2am the night before trying to clean. I didn't want to be shoving stuff anywhere, but as it got closer to 1:30, that was the deal. As long as I couldn't see it, it's all good. I didn't think she'd be looking under the bed, lol. Only thing I didn't get to thoroughly clean was my bedroom. It is actually fairly neat though and all it needed was a good vacuum, but I ran out of time.

So I got to meet SW Cindy. She's helping out SW T with her case load. First we talked...signed papers. She didn't check for childproofing or anything like that, she did check that the smoke detectors were working [much to my cats' dismay]. Still haven't done my financial paperwork or made my physical appointment. Sorta worked in my favor b/c she just took two recent paycheck stubs and said she'd fill it out herself. No idea how—she doesn't know how much my mortgage or electric bill is. Hey, don't ask, don't tell. As I mentioned before, I never did get all of my training hours, I only got about half. The year got away from me and I sometimes mix up things I do for X RTC with trainings from DSS. I'm always educating myself about things going on with foster care and I attend our monthly FPA meetings. In my head, I thought I had those hours. Supposedly the lifebook training session I held for the RTC can count and they said I could use training I had done for work [although completely unrelated to foster care]. I had the certificates but needed to fill in the dates, although I couldn't remember when they were, other than 2008. So I put 2008. She asked if I could change one of the 2008's to 2009. ::shrug:: ok. Whatever works.

I showed her around the house and like SW T, she said she didn't really need to see the basement [again, what if there was a torture chamber down there?! Up to this point, no SW had seen my basement]. I asked her to look at it anyway because I actually cleaned it for her...lol. She obliged.

We talked about my likes and dislikes and what age range I was looking for. I told her about the calls I had received for the placement of a 12-year-old girl and 14-year-old boy, and the one respite call I received last summer [but was going on vacation]. I told her that ideally, a placement would be a 2-10 year old girl/or elementary school age. I told her that it is not so much the age, but the ability to put them in some sort of child care program before and/or after school. I explained about my childcare issue with the 12-year-old middle schooler—no after school care, and I'm not comfortable with her coming to my house 3 hours after school unsupervised. This brought up another question. High schoolers. Obviously, no after school care. What would you do if you were working and single and they came home from school at 2:30, but you don't get home till 6 at the earliest? Do you just let the foster teen come to your house directly from school...when you don't even know them? I wouldn't mind taking a teen, but I just don't know what to do with them. They are too old for after school care and I don't know them well enough to trust them with the key to my house. What would you do?

I told Cindy that I REALLY wanted to try respite before taking a placement. She basically said that it is not realistic. Our county's foster parents don't use respite [again, even though the money is there], so she suggested emergency placements/shelter care. I said I could, but it would have to be a weekend call because I can't just call my boss and say I have a kid now, I can't come to work tomorrow until I figure out what to do with them. Or can I? I don't know. She was trying to get a sense of how flexible my boss is. I really don't know. My boss has double-standards and has been really petty lately. I said if that happened maybe 3 times a year, yeah, but I can't be doing that twice a month.

I also suggested that at the next FPA meeting, we discuss a ring of daycares that are used to calls from foster parents. It's not like I can save a place at a daycare or even sign a contract for a specific period of time when I don't know when I will have a child; don't know how old they will be; don't know how long I'll have them; don't know what school district they will be going to [the lines are mixed up in my area and there are 4 possible elementary schools a child in my home could attend]. So how are you supposed to secure a spot for a placement if you don't know a daycare provider personally? Oh, I know a great one and she's in my district, but she's not licensed and of course that is a big no-no. I asked what the other parents do and she said a lot of them are daycare providers. Really? I haven't gotten that sense. Anyway, I'll bring it up at the next meeting. There HAS to be someone that has connections.

When she saw the bedroom and all the girly toys she said "oh, I bet that 12-year-old would have loved it here!" Trying not to feel guilty, but she also said that they had no idea how long she would be in care. By the end of our 90 min appointment, I managed to sign myself up for more things. It is possible that I'll be holding a lifebook training session. It's not required in my state, but I think it is very important. I don't know how these things work... since I brought up the idea, am I volunteering, or is this something I should be paid for? The parents attending would earn credits.

All-in-all, the visit went very well. We also talked about the family intervention meeting model and she also does not think it is working. So, we'll see how long that method will last. Sure, it's keeping kids from being placed in the care of the state, but is it keeping them safe? I don't know.

Oh, and I called the X Respite Program again [I had left a msg with the coordinator and she never called back, I had emailed too, if you recall] and requested that they sent me out information. After looking at the list of things I'd need to do all over again, I started having second thoughts. I don't think I could go through another 30 hour training, health department inspections, fire dept inspections and homestudies. I'm gonna renew with DSS and see if SW Cindy can find me respite or emergency placements that fit my plan. I told her, you can certainly call me if you aren't sure if this child is the right fit for me, and then I'll make a decision. She was also all gung-ho about disrupting a placement if it's just not working out. But that's what I'm trying to avoid by testing the waters! Oh well. Like she said, it may not be an option. Might just be diving in. You all have me scared though. LOL.

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

Adoption Tax Credit Expanded [edited: added more info]

2010-03-29T22:08:00.009-04:00

Just got this info from DSS:

The Adoption tax credit has been expanded and extended. On March 23, 2010, the President signed into law, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (P.L. 111-148). Prior to this law, the tax credit was set to expire December 31st of this year. Section 10909 of the bill addressed the adoption tax credit. The credit is expanded in the following ways:

• The amount has been increased by $1,000 bringing the amount to $13,170 for tax year 2010.

• The credit was made refundable for all types of adoptions; allowing families with small tax liabilities to better access the credit (adoptions finalized in 2010 & 2011).

• The credit will be extended through December 31, 2011.

Edited 3/30/10 to add these links:

• Health Care Reform Includes Tax Credit for Adoption by Kelly Phillips Erb. At this point, it's the only place I can find more info on the increase. Apparently it is part of the health care reform. Who knew?

• Also, page 903 of this pdf of the bill.

The mad rush

2010-03-28T23:11:00.011-04:00

Nothing like the thrill of a visit from my Social Worker. Oh my gosh, I'm such a procrastinator... therefore I'm feverishly cleaning tonite for the SW visit Tuesday. Gosh, I hope it's Tuesday and not Monday...I'm not positive.

I must admit, I'm not the most organized person [ha]. My calendar is only on my work computer and I have to print it and take it with me to make appointments and such. Well, I feel awful. I thought my visit with Faith [mentee at Boot Academy] was this weekend. Turns out, it was last weekend. I was a total no show. I really thought it was this weekend...I was all excited about the activity that was pre-planned. Instead, the poor girl sat there waiting for me. I wish the Academy would have called, but I guess they have so many kids. However, the girls unit is like 6xs smaller than the boys and so their Cadre has a significantly smaller load. According to the handbook, I'm supposed to be able to have phone contact...but I've been told I can't call in and she can't call out. I had to email her caseworker when I realized I mixed up weekends and who knows if she even told Faith. So the only option I have is to write snail mail. I can't make up the visit either. I can come on these special nights where I can do school work with her for about an hour, but I can't take her out of the room or bring her food or anything. I feel terrible. I'm one of those mentors who let down her kid. :(

Oh, and I got another call Thursday about the girl they were trying to place the day before. A different social worker called this time, I guess they were going through the list again. I told them that I was sorry, but that again, I need to do respite first to get my feet wet. I also have nothing against middle schoolers, but she'd get out of school about 3 hours before I could get home. I can't have a new 12-year-old foster child chilling at my house after school and there isn't after school care for middle schoolers. It sucks, but what can you do. She said she'd call me if this child needs respite. We'll see...

One good thing about a SW visit is that my house is getting thoroughly cleaned...even if it is during the wee hours of the night. I tend to let the spare room turn into a catch-all [who wouldn't? It's not getting used]. I haven't even started in there. Living room is looking decent though! Guess I should get back to work. It's going to take me forever to fall asleep tonite, my mind is racing. Might be popping one of my trusty L*nesta pills.

My second placement call

2010-03-24T21:33:00.011-04:00

When it rains, it pours. I've been licensed since December 2008...and I've had no placement calls. My license has totally lapsed and I'm awaiting a visit from a social worker to reinstate it. I just got my second placement call this week...my second placement call ever. This one was for a 12-year-old girl who needs a foster home near her middle school [although the SW made it clear that she does not like going to school, lol].

I hate that I had to say "no." I'm not comfortable taking a child in my home full time yet. I want to start with respite and see what it is like having a child [that is not my niece or nephew, much to my sister's protest!] in my home 24 hrs a day for an extended period of time. I don't want to take on anything that I'm not sure I can handle. This has been my plan from pretty much the beginning. I just don't think it's smart for me to attempt to morph into a mother of a 12-year-old girl over night. I don't know what I'm doing! Would YOU want me taking in your child as my guinea pig? Probably not. So, I had to say "no." If they'd call me needing respite for the weekend, great, I'd jump at the opportunity, but that scenario just doesn't seem to be happening. Am I sounding like a broken record yet?

My reconsideration appointment is for next week, which should be fun, considering my house is a disaster and the cats have overtaken the spare room. Meanwhile, I left a message last night with the X RTC Respite Coordinator, but haven't gotten a response.

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

First placement call

2010-03-22T21:27:00.008-04:00

So today I got my first placement call [how long have I been a licensed foster parent?].

I missed the call, but had a voicemail from SW T. She asked if I can take a 14 year old boy...who is suspended from school. Hm. Did she not visit my house? She knows I do not intend on taking boys, muchless teenage boys. SW T even recommended I don't when she saw the girly room. I believe she said "a boy might be confused staying here." Being a single female and having no experience yet [respite, anyone?], I do not think a 14 year old boy would be the best match. Especially one that has no where to go during the day. I know she probably has to call everyone on the list.

I just thought that was funny, but at least I got my first call!

To stay or to leave?

2010-03-20T22:02:00.016-04:00

Finally got a response back from X's Respite program:

"There is a need for respite and especially in [your county] since we do not have a lot of parents in that area. For our program, we only use treatment foster parents that are certified through us. The reason for this is we want to make sure our respite families are trained and cleared to safely have the children. By no means is that an endorsement or an attempt to recruit you to leave [your county's] foster program, but if respite through us is something you want to do, then I would put you in contact with our resource unit director to begin the process. I hope that answers your questions and please feel free to give me a call if you want to discuss respite further!"

He never gave me a number, so I emailed him back to tell him I'd be up at the RTC and that week and asked that he leave me any literature he has. I told him to let me know about any info sessions coming up asap, since I'm up for renewal and have a social worker coming out in less than two weeks. That was 5 days ago, and he never emailed me back...guess I'll have to find a number and call Monday. I'd prefer to talk via email since I have no privacy at work to make phone calls. argh. Maybe I'll call and leave a message now, while I'm thinking about it. I'm torn though. I don't know if I want to pigeon-hole myself into only doing respite for special needs children. As I said before in my previous post, it looks like some of these kids will end up in "regular" foster care whether they like it or not. But NO ONE WILL USE RESPITE! I kid you not, thousands of dollars are not being used because foster parents [at least in my county] just don't utilize respite. I believe they have at least 7 days a year paid for by the county. I don't know what to do. Wish I didn't have to choose between agencies.

At my most recent FPA meeting, I spent the majority of time holding a 2 month old baby girl and really didn't pay too much attention, lol. Ok, so I did pay attention, but didn't get to take any notes. Not much to bring back except that they are offering this cool insentive program in my area to help foster and adoptive parents improve their relationship with their kids through therapy and activities. They actually will pay the families to attend and even come to their house if they can't make it. A cool symposium is coming up, see below. We will now be required to take CPR classes, which were not required in my county...as well as some sort of discipline training every year. I can't honestly remember what else, except that the baby [well, babies, there were several in the room], were very cute. LOL

Did you know April is Child Abuse Prevention month? [Shouldn't every month be?] You might find this video interesting, from an episode of ABC's Family Secrets: Breaking the Cycle of Abuse. I saw it when it aired on tv....it's insightful to see it from the parent's point of view. The grandmother, in part 1, is sadly a typical situation. It's the last mother [part 3], that frustrated me the most to watch. I'd be curious to see what any of you foster/adoptive parents think about the expert's "solution" at the end. Anyway, a Child Abuse Symposium is being held in my area soon, and I'm planning on taking off work to attend. The break-out sessions being offered look to be very informative. Of course, I'll also get credits, which is awesome since they will be upping our required hours of training soon. Right now, our DSS office does not offer enough training as it is.

So my internet is back up, but my dynamic spell check isn't working for some reason and it's driving me crazy. Sorry if anything is blatantly misspelled. Oh, and I decided to turn back on comments posted by non members, but after 2 weeks, I'll have to approve them. Since the weird anonymous comments are showing up on really old posts, I think that'll work.

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

Where'd she go?

2010-03-05T18:14:00.014-05:00

Having some issues with my computer which is why I've been pretty much non-existent. It's driving me bonkers. There are so many posts I've had "written up" in my head, while driving [maybe I should pay more attention to the road], only to come home to no internet. No idea when the situation will actually resolve. In the meantime, I feel like I'm on a deserted island on the weekends [I can at least go online at work]. So I'm posting this entry from somewhere else. Anyway...I suppose ya'll deserve some kind of an update!

First, some housekeeping. I had to disable "anonymous" comments because I would get these weird comments, mostly on old posts, that would advertise prescription drugs and such. I'm sorry, but I don't check my email associated with this account as much as my regular email, so it takes me a while to catch them and I find it downright annoying. I should also tell you that I'm changing around the players' names. I've decided that I don't like using names that wouldn't be "real" names. The more times I refer to my mentee as "flash," the stranger it sounds. So this is what I'm doing...
Monkey [sister] is now Norah
Goose [nephew, 12] is now Oscar
Boo [niece, 5] is now Mia
Flash [mentee, 17] is now Cori
New mentee [17] will be Faith
Cats stay the same...Charley, Chubbs & Jasper. Cats are different tho. To be honest, I could make them Doorknob, Hangnail and Paper. People name their cats some weird things. Hey, I just love to confuse you guys. Keeps me entertained.

I suppose I should introduce you all to my new mentee, Faith. She's sort of a "short term" mentee. Faith is in a residential program for teens who are at risk of getting into trouble with the law and not graduating, among other things. I'll call the program Boot Academy. She was kicked out of school for skipping too much and has been hanging out with the wrong crowd. She is also dating this guy who is entirely inappropriate for her, considering his history and her age. Anyway, this program is a boot camp of sorts [hence the name] and the residential phase last several months. Since she lives so far away from Boot Academy, I am just her mentor while she is here and when she goes back home, she'll have someone else. She was adopted from foster care at a very young age and ended up back in the system after accusing a family member of sexual abuse. Of course, this caused an uproar. She actually ended up at X RTC at some point, which is why I was pulled in when they were trying to help her find a mentor. Eventually, she ended up back with her adoptive father. According to him, she is has RAD [reactive attachment disorder], ADD [attention deficit disorder], ODD [oppositional defiant disorder] and is Bipolar among other things. I have only had a few visits with her so far. Her dad said he has definitely seen a change since she started the program, although she wants to come home.

I went to the last FPA meeting. Same old thing: less kids in the system=no placements. They are trying to hold these big family meetings first, instead of taking the kids out of the home right away. My problem with that is, they are letting the kids go to neighbors and friends, instead of someone who was thoroughly checked out and approved to care for these children. I know of foster parents who have left because of it. They figure they have to go through all of this training and investigations, but they just give the kids to anyone.

To add to the foster care system's problems, the powers that be want to get rid of the majority of group homes & RTCs. I think this is a BIG mistake. They are putting the cart before the horse. If you decide to keep these kids with serious disorders in their home—relying on "community support programs"—then you need to set up community support programs! You can't start denying admissions when you haven't set up the programs to keep them in their home setting. I saw this first hand two years ago when my mentee, Cori [aka Flash] was released from an RTC, only to end up back in the same situation. It took them forever to set up someone to come in the home and help the family cope. She was supposed to have weekend respite in foster care and that never happened. I was eventually set up as a Respite Specialist who would take her out several hours a week, but that took months before she was officially referred and by then, it was too late. They set the kid up for failure. Now she's back at another RTC, in one of the most restrictive environments she has ever been in. It seems like they are also sending my X RTC girls out the door as soon as they can. It used to be that a child would typically be on the unit for a year. Some much longer, but the shortest would probably be 6 months. Now it is like they are shooting for 3 months to 6, at the most. I've seen plenty of girls be discharged and end up back at the RTC...usually in worse shape.

Speaking of Cori, she is doing better [hope I don't jinx things] and her last home visit went well. I just hope her family will try to make it work when/if she comes home. The state is pushing for her discharge soon and her parents are trying to extend it. If she comes home too soon, it will be a disaster. I know her family isn't ready for her right now. I don't think they even want her. Her mother believes she'll have to go into independent living...but you can't make her stay there once she reaches a certain age. I don't know what her future holds. It is just sad.

I emailed someone at X RTC about their respite program on Monday. Of course, their respite is for children in treatment foster care or children with behavioral/emotional needs that are at home. I haven't heard back...I might try calling next week. I'm just frustrated that it has been a year and I've not been able to offer any of my resources. But, the way it works is that I might have to pull my home study from DSS and start from scratch with the RTC because it might be considered a private "agency." This might be a pain in the butt, but if I want to do respite, it looks like I might have to. I could try it for a year and if the respite goes well, I'll know if I can handle a foster child full-time. Although, if these kids that were formally candidates for RTC/group homes end up in DSS's hands, as is predicted, things could get shaken up a bit.

Back at the ranch, I've been playing phone tag with the resource worker trying to do my recertification. SW T is overwhelmed right now and assigned it to someone else. Whenever she does call me back to schedule, Carmine will be doing some major cleaning, trying to get the place in order.

So where is everyone else? A lot of my favorite bloggers/readers have been MIA too. :(

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

Tax info for Foster and Adoptive Parents

2010-03-05T18:11:00.008-05:00

I just got this info from NFP:

Congress has enacted several important changes in tax laws for the 2009 tax year, including an increase for claiming an adoption tax credit—up to $12,150. This and more information is available in a booklet from the National Foster Parent Association [NFP]. Click here to download in pdf format: Federal Tax Benefits for Foster, Adoptive Parents and Kinship Caregivers.

The 26-page booklet has chapters on topics such as deductions and credits, professional foster parents, special rules for legal guardians, and inquiries and disputes with the IRS. It lists tax law changes enacted for 2009, including the child tax credit decrease, mileage rates, and education credits. It defines a "special needs child" and qualifying expenses and stresses the need for documentation and recordkeeping.

The online version of the booklet has links to IRS forms and publications referred to within the chapters and on a page of resources. Interspersed throughout the pages are tips for foster and adoptive parents and relative caregivers.

A conundrum.

2009-12-30T22:26:00.017-05:00

I can't believe Christmas is over. It came around too fast and then like a whirlwind, it was gone. Now it's just months and months of short, dark days with blustery wind, snow, ice and freezing rain. I did love our first real snow this year, but unless the next snow is on the weekend again, I won't be as happy about it! If I was a teacher, I'd enjoy it a little more, for sure.

Nothing going on on the foster care front. There are some cool things going on within my county and state...but I can't share them because they are too specific to my location. grrr. I've missed out on some great training opportunities because of scheduling conflicts, but they don't give enough notice. Obviously, things have been quiet since I've yet to get a call. I thought someone would at least call about respite. They are still trying to encourage parents to use it and are looking into options to make it more appealing. I know some of you would kill for respite while parents and my county are totally under utilizing it. I'm waiting to hear back from SW T regarding my hours. I'm 95% sure I don't have all my training in for this year, but she hasn't contacted me, so I just shot her an email.

School is starting up soon and I am NOT looking forward to it. The last class I took really tested me. This next class will be in a subject I struggle in and involves a big group project. I hate group projects. IMHO, group projects are only beneficial to slackers. The work is never distributed evenly. And yes, this is graduate school, but trust me, I had some people in my last class who were just trying to coast.

To make matters worse, a friend, Lisa, who I had a falling out with several years ago, has popped up in my life again. I have apparently entered my own personal hell. I don't want to share too much b/c I'm paranoid. Let's just say I would love to never see her again. Now I will likely run into her regularly. Nice.

Anyway, I wanted to post my new years resolutions and something about medications, but it is getting late and Lisa has put me in a bad mood. lol. Hopefully I'll get around to posting them soon. Happy New Year everyone!

**edited 1/7/10 ...made my conundrum a little more vague for several reasons...

just here.

2009-12-07T21:52:00.006-05:00

I've been so tired lately, no particular reason, sleeping pretty much the same at night. But I'm taking advantage of weekend naps. Just not motivated, I guess. Maybe it's the weather? It is just dreary all the time and gets dark so early. I have my sleep study coming up—one at night and a day test [multiple sleep latency] following it. I know, I need to exercise and eat better. That would surely help, but you have to be motivated first. Anyway, I missed the last FPA meeting and then I missed the Christmas party. I was exhausted the night of the meeting, and I napped beyond the time of the party. I don't know how you all do it. If I'm tired now, I can't imagine what it would be like with kids. Is it normal to feel drained all the time?

School starts up again in January. I did my best to avoid the class that starts after 8pm. I would have preferred the teacher, but that time slot would have kept me at work until 7:30. I would go crazy. I'm looking forward to Christmas. I've spent way too much already. I still haven't bought anything for my dad, nephew or brother-in-law! I spent more money than I should have on the child I am sponsoring at X RTC. I didn't even get everything on her list. I also bought myself a few things! Including a set of Bath and Body Works goodies and a pair of jammies. I have to wait until Christmas to use them. I have the tree up, that's it. It's not decorated, just up. Finally put the Halloween decorations away. I cleaned the house but then filled half the living room with containers of Christmas decorations. Oh well!

I have a new kitten, he is adorable. Driving the other two nuts. I swear he things Charley is his mother! He can't jump yet so getting up high is Charley's only respite. Chubbs is finally not growling and hissing whenever she sees him. She does still get mad when he gets too close, but she is getting much better. He is so warm and fuzzy, a real snuggle-bug. He likes to sleep totally under the covers or on my face. He's always in my lap. I think he fits in just fine, but the others won't think so until he calms down a bit. At least Charley isn't clingy anymore! I still wish sometimes everything was back to the way it was and I still had Tylenol.

I noticed that according to my certificate, my foster care certification has expired. oops. I'm not even sure I have all the hours in. I'll have to call. I haven't received any phone calls about respite or placements. I had no idea when I started that it would be so quiet. Not that I'm rushing at the moment. With school starting up again and me being tired all the time, I'm not waiting by the phone.

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

=(

2009-11-21T19:09:00.005-05:00

I guess no more Baggage and Bug. =(

Update on opening my home and questions

2009-10-18T20:08:00.011-04:00

So I emailed SW T and said to go ahead and put me on the list for calls. She said only a few kids have entered care since the new school year she said it has been kind of quiet. So I said, why not. I figured it can't hurt, I can always say no when I get a call. I asked if they were still helping with child care costs. She said "the agency will pay up to 50% of the monthly cost depending on cost," not sure exactly what that means, but anything would help. Because of the daycare assistance, I told her I would accept age 2 to 12. There has been a push to keep children in their school district and since I live near 4 elementary schools, I said as long as zoning would allow, I would be happy to work with a child attending any of those. SW T seems a little more strict than the other social workers I've spoken with. I asked if family would need fingerprinted if they watched my child for a few hours every once in a while, and she said yes. I don't have any problem with it, and it's smart, but I was just surprised since the last one said only if they were watching the child for an extended period of time.

With that said, I have a few questions:

1] Did your foster children need to change schools when they were placed with you?

2] Does your agency reimburse daycare at any percent?

3] Do you do lifebooks with your foster children? Are they mandatory in your district?

4] Are you allowed to have bunk-beds?

And finally, the most important one — What questions should I ask when I get a call for placement? and any other advice for a single almost 30 yr old considering giving up her quiet life and turning her world upside down? lol....

Lifebook pages with my RTC girls

2009-10-16T22:47:00.020-04:00

I thought I'd share a little about the lifebook/scrapbook pages I've recently done with my girls at X Residential Treatment Center [RTC]. I try really hard to make sure important events/holidays are captured in some form. Whenever possible, I take photos for their pages. Unfortunately, Polaroid discontinued it's film! It's killing me because it is perfect for lifebooks. Instant gratification. I had some left for the Annie project, but I'm out now. The other alternative is to take pictures during an art therapy session prior to the scrapbooking craft and then print them out for the next visit. This takes some planning. Well, lifebooks take a lot of time and thought, and money. But I think it is worth it.

The girls recently were treated to a trip to the theatre to see a musical. I thought it was a special moment and had the staff save their tickets. Then I went online and found photos of the cast and misc. illustrations. I had picked up fliers from when I saw the show a few days before them for them to use on their pages. I always have a few "interactive" pieces, such as "my drawing of [an animal from the play]" and a picture of main character's dress for them to draw themselves in. I brought in props and had them pretend they were the main character for their photos! It was cute.

**3 images removed**

And this past week, I did Halloween pages with them. Sometimes the visits creep up on me and I'm completely unprepared. This craft I didn't think up until the night before and it took me a few hours to put together. I had them put their names really big on a scrap and draw the "perfect face" on a pumpkin I cut out. Then I had them glue googley eyes onto the Halloween 2009 title...and as you can see, a few got carried away with the eyes. They always do, lol. I asked them all to color in a drawing and then fill out a "questionaire." Then I gave them stickers, glue and scissors and let them put the one page together. Next, they got a big foam haunted house and foam stickers to decorate the other page into a "spooky" scene. I had them glue a big purple rectangle onto that page to mark the spot for their Halloween photo [provided staff will actually take it]. I loved one child's favorite monster: Dora and another's favorite cosume: daedpody bag [aka dead body bag]. hehe....

**2 images removed**

The kids LOVE doing lifebooks and I give them the tools and let them go. While some kids need me to do a sample page or they get overwhelmed, I prefer not too because they will try to recreate mine exactly. I let the spelling errors go, it's cute. I do get a tad annoyed when staff lets the kids get into their books when I'm not there [even tho they are locked in the staff office]. There were cuter theatre pages, but they were missing. One of the girls had gone through and tore her page apart, putting an element from it on all her previously blank pages! I put it back together. The lifebooks should be kept in a safe place and stored as you would a photo album, fun to create now, but meant to be appreciated later. Well, that's all for now. I thought you guys might enjoy some ideas!

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

I'm thinking...

2009-10-05T20:41:00.007-04:00

...of opening my home. Today I sent an email to SW T asking if there has been an increase in cases since school started up again. I'm sure there is, but I thought I'd ask. It will open up the dialog. As I mentioned in the FPA Meeting post, there has been a significant decrease in cases overall. So, I'm thinking of going out on a limb and fully opening my home. There is a good chance I won't get a call...but who knows. If I get a call, I'll get as much info as possible and try to make a rational decision. Any suggestions for questions to ask a social worker regarding a new placement? At the moment, I'm mostly comfortable with school age, under 12. I don't mind taking any age for respite, but I'm not quite ready for a teenager.

To lighten the mood...

2009-10-04T17:55:00.013-04:00

**image removed**
Chubbs: stuff all up ons my cat. my nephew and I were seeing how long she'd sit there while we put things on her.

**image removed**
Tylenol & Chubbs — best of friends.

**image removed**
Tylenol: "I'm cute and fuzzy."

**image removed**
Chubbs: "this is my scratchy toy. mine. mine. mine."

**image removed**
Charley: "gee, can fit in it?"

**image removed**
"yup, I can."

And no, I'm not really that bad of a photographer. I'm trying to keep give my animals some anonymity too — as pathetic as that sounds... Names are made up too.

Oh, also, I will respond to the comments to my last blogs, honest. I just have to be in the right mind set, especially for "broken" one. Speaking of which, thanks for the shout out, Karaya...
Me, too: ¿Am I Too Far Gone To Be Fixed, TOO?!?!, I love the imagery.

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

So sad

2009-10-04T16:31:00.017-04:00

Unexpectedly last week, my Tylenol got sick. I couldn't find him for a few days and when I did get to him...he was limp and panting. I took him to the 24-hr vet and found out he had feline leukemia [FeLV]. I was shocked. He was tested when I adopted him at 2 yrs old. It was negative. Apparently it was dormant all these years. He was too far gone. 9% red blood cells, no wonder he was so weak. He went into hiding to die. I had to go up the next morning, only a few hours later and put him down while he was in my arms. I'm heartbroken. I just had to put down our family dog last year. Tylenol's sickness and death was so unexpected and it all happened so fast. Sometimes I wake up thinking it was just a nightmare.

So anyway, Chubbs and Charley are confused. Especially Charley. When I come home, they greet me and he just looks back towards the basement steps, waiting for Tylenol to come up. He's been searching the basement and under the furniture. The two were best friends. Even Chubbs liked him more than Charley [they used to be close until they hit about 2 yrs old, now they fight a lot, but he's always trying to sniff her "nether regions"] Despite being a year and a half older than my "original" two, Tylenol was a wild thing. He made the other two younger. He and Charley were always playing and "fighting," chasing each other around the house. Chubbs would have nothing to do with that. The two of them have been very vocal lately and clingy. They are mourning and I wish I could explain what happened. Eventually, I will get another cat. Charley needs a friend with energy. I just don't know when the right time will be.

Here are my 3 amigos, l to r - Chubbs, Tylenol & Charley. They were always together and we will miss him dearly.
**image removed**

If anything good could come from this, it would be to remind other cat owners to check their cats for feline leukemia. And if you adopted a once feral cat, please do the test again maybe 2 years later. This is a very big killer in cats and is equated to HIV/AIDS in humans.

RIP my crazy Tylenol.

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

Am I too far gone to be fixed?

2009-09-27T21:41:00.015-04:00

I'm trying to figure out what exactly is my goal right now. I feel like I'm coasting. I can't open myself up to new things if I keep doing the same thing. But I'm comfortable in my little world, and that scares me. Am I selfish? Am I getting too me-centered? I want to find a guy who loves me and will marry me, but I'm doing nothing to make that happen. I want the end result without the middle.

I don't know how to explain it. I'm not comfortable around men. Especially if I think they are interested in me. Does that make sense? No, I know it doesn't. But guys intimidate me. Seriously. There have only been a handful of guys I have come across that I am attracted to and don't intimidate me. I mean, like, 5. But they are married or otherwise, unavailable. When a guy tries to flirt with me, all I can think about is, what does he want next? When is he expecting sex? When he realizes I'm "broken," that I have issues, how long before he gets bored with me?

This flirting/romance stuff just doesn't come natural to me. It all feels so robotic. I've dated a couple of guys, and none lasted long. The second they did/said something that I felt uncomfortable with, I shut down. Literally. One guy tried to put his tongue in my mouth at the end of the first date. I tried to pull away, but it didn't work. I asked him to walk me to my car. Why would I do that? It was weird, I just disconnected. Another asked if it was ok to hug me on the first date, but was all over me at the second one and tried to make out with me in my car. I didn't know how to get him out. I panicked. I don't remember how I got him out but I felt so gross afterwards... even though I didn't do anything. The latest guy I specifically told "I have to take this slow." I met him in a Christian singles group. I thought he'd understand. I think it was the 3rd date when he was trying to play footsie's with me under the table. I didn't know what to do. I'm thinking, what the heck is he doing, this is a new one, I never talked about this with anyone, what do I do...? He kept trying to hold my hand and I didn't really react. Wasn't sure what to do. I didn't like it. And he called me on it. He wanted to know why I wasn't responding to any of his advances. I didn't know what to say. Because I don't know why. Then he had the nerve to try to kiss me in the parking lot. Might as well have been kissing a brick wall, because he lost me right there. Was I not clear about this? If I'm not comfortable playing footsie's with my shoes on, why would I want your tongue in my mouth? I felt dirty and upset.

Each one of these dates gone wrong just makes me shut down more and more towards it. I thought it would make me more comfortable dating. Everyone keeps telling me, "not every guy is like that, you have to keep dating to find the right one." But they don't understand. My heart says "you need to find your other half," but my instincts keep telling me "don't do it — why keep putting yourself in these compromising situations only to have the same thing happen over and over?"

So all I can think of is that something is horribly wrong with me. And I don't know what to do about it. My sister is fine with guys, so what is wrong with me? Only two things I can figure out might contribute towards this. 1] My father's controlling nature towards my mom and my sister and I. He was always screaming and yelling and it really affected me, but not my sister so much. I was scared of him and walked around on egg shells for years, afraid of doing anything to provoke him. And 2], one evening when I was around 5 or 6, a guy [who I recall as having mental issues] called me over to see him, behind my house next to a shed. He asked me to come sit beside him and he touched me where no one is supposed to touch you. I didn't know what to do. I felt ashamed. I didn't tell anyone. My sister found out years later when she read something I had written as a teenager. I think I've told my mother since then, but she had no response whatsoever. She has a habit of telling me everything but shuts down when I share something personal with her.

But how can something that happened, once, so long ago, affect the rest of your life? Is it the combination of that incident and how I felt scared of my father? And if I am so aware of these early experiences' controlling power over my life, why can't I just shut it off? Aren't I smart enough to tell myself that I am thinking illogically? That not all guys are bad? That my belief system is all messed up?

Wow, wasn't expecting to go there tonight, so I think I'll leave it here. I know I've got some readers, please, if you have any insight, I'd appreciate it. Yes, I've talked to a therapist about it, but I still feel like I'm stuck in one place. Have any of you worked with children that have grown up to have similar problems?

FPA meeting and respite

2009-09-27T20:32:00.016-04:00

At the last Foster Parent Association [FPA] meeting, the speaker talked about how the number of children brought into care has dropped drastically in this area. It bothered me that he said it like it was a bad thing, but he was addressing the parents who were concerned why they haven't had any placements. I was kind of surprised. I didn't know the numbers had dropped so significantly. I, personally, have been frustrated with no calls for respite [I had one call in July, that's it]. Then he brought up respite.

Parents in my county have a set number of respite nights per year, paid for by the county. He gave us some numbers — how much was in the budget for those respite days and how much was actually used. Wow, hardly any of the money was used. I mean, only a fraction of it was touched. He encouraged parents to use it as respite for them and their foster child.

The response was not what I expected. One mother thought it was wrong to place her foster child in respite when her own kids would stay at home. Or even to use it for a vacation — she said it wouldn't be fair to leave the child behind. Then it went off into a whole other direction. One set of parents asked if they could take a child with them on vacation, in particular, [insert big amusement park name here]. They were talking about a random child that wasn't in their home. Then they talked about having a child over for thanksgiving dinner that also was not placed in their home. Apparently an "orphanage" used to let them do that. Um, ok... That conversation was interesting.

A set of parents in the back brought them back to reality when they shared that they had a child in their home for almost a year when they decided to go to [insert big amusement park name here]. Big mistake. The child exhibited behaviors they had never seen, in and out of public. In a twist, their caseworker happened to be on vacation in the same area at the same time. Needless to say, they had to cut the vacation short. I know this would not be the case for all foster children, but an interesting perspective none-the-less.

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

10 Little Pumpkins

2009-09-27T00:49:00.012-04:00

I just thought this was funny. I was over Norah's tonite and I noticed this little lineup by the door. I remembered Mia [4 1/2 now] had been over there playing. I had to get a picture... even more funny? Later on, I saw her go back over and adjust their little faces so they were all "perfectly" facing in the right direction.

And remember the cherry stem photo from this post over 2 yrs ago? Yeah.

The room

2009-09-25T18:23:00.015-04:00

Made even more changes to the layout today [thanks Lisa & Karaya for the compliments!]. Played a little with the html and made myself a nifty background [btw, please tell me that you can know what the drawings are of in the background? if not, guess]. I also updated my first post, The Players/Cast of Characters, to keep it up-to-date.

To throw a little foster care stuff in, here are the latest pics of the room. This is why SW T does not want a boy staying in the room...lmao.

**image removed**
Obviously, the bed...which is now a queen.

**image removed**
Eventually, this lovely decal will end up on the wall above it [without a background, of course]. It is several feet long. I was waiting to get a headboard to see how high to put it, but I don't think I'll have money for one anytime soon. I'll have to check craigslist.

**image removed**
This is a cute mirror I got and laced up. It is above the dresser in between the windows. I have 2 separate butterfly decals that match the ones above — they are going to go above the mirror in the corner. Look closely and you can see the messy toy bins on the other side of the room. My niece has gotten into it quite a few times!

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

My psychiatrist is mean to me.

2009-09-25T14:52:00.011-04:00

Does anyone else's psychiatrist yell at them? I think I've asked this before. Mine is crazy. Ever since I decided to go back and finish my Master's, instead of just being supportive he keeps telling me that I could finish it in one year and won't because I don't want to. He keeps saying that I have the money and I keep telling him I don't. Then he keeps saying yes I do. This man does not know what I make. I don't qualify for Financial Aid and there aren't any scholarships I could find. I can only do what work reimburses me for - and that's 6 credits a year. It's going to take me forever. He's basically telling me I'm lazy!

Then when I told him how tired I am, how I keep nodding off at work and just overall grogginess, he mentions that I never went back and finished my sleep study [2 yrs ago]. He kept saying he told me to go back for this two week follow up thing and he never did. He told me I didn't need it. There's no point in arguing with him. When I told him he said I didn't need to, he goes on about my terrible memory. I'm sorry, but I am very much in charge of my medical care. I pay for it. I would have followed up if he told me to. Especially since I remember thinking the results were very inconclusive. Work covers the test, why wouldn't I go? I didn't even get a copy of the results. He had it in his chart. He also said he wanted to do bloodwork to check my iron and thyroid levels. I told him I just had it done. He didn't believe me. He wanted to know when [exactly], why and what was tested. I told him I couldn't remember the date and he was like, "no, then you didn't have it done." It went back and forth. I told him to give me their fax number and I'd have my doctor fax it.

One time, because I said the color of the pill I was taking was light blue, but he believed it was periwinkle, that meant I was not taking it. He berated and "yelled" at me. He said as an "artist" I should know the color. I'm sorry, to me the color was light blue. Then he continued to lecture me for several minutes on the importance of staying on my medication. Oh my gosh, what does he think I am, a liar?

He keeps telling me I'm OCD too. I'm not! We all have little things that we do that are OCD-like, but anyone that knows me would attest that I am not. He only goes by things I checked off on this list of his. He diagnosed me before I even did the list and then after I took the quiz, with about 30 questions and checked off 3 or 4 things [which depend on the scenario surrounding the question] he was like, see, you are OCD. If anything, I am ADD and he doesn't believe that. So I went to a neurologist because lately I've been having problems with my speech and making connections in my head. I keep mixing up words with unrelated words, transposing letters with numbers and writing a word, but putting some letters out of order and going back and filling them in. All kinds of weird stuff. When I had told him this on the last visit, he dismissed it as exhaustion [again, why not mention the sleep test then?]. The neurologist wants to do a brain MRI and asked me to get a second opinion on the ADD. After I told the psychiatrist this, he asked me when did it start? I said about 2 years ago. He looked back in my records and saw he put me on Lam**tal 2 years ago, and I am still on it today [it's the only thing that has really worked for me]. Get this. He says, it is little known, but in tests, Lam**tal has been known to cause these symptoms. ::sigh::

I don't think I'm going back to him. He's got issues. Is HE bipolar or something? Problem is, I think I have to see a psych in their office to continue seeing my therapist, whom I love. I already switched therapists w/i the office and that was awkward. This would make it even more weird. I'm going to see if there is a way around this. I shouldn't be verbally abused by my psychiatrist! Geesh.

Sorry, nothing related to foster care. Then again, mental health seems to be a big topic with foster/adoptive children.

A little change can't hurt.

2009-09-21T00:37:00.005-04:00

What do you think of my new header? I'm going to try to post more and I think a new header will motivate me. Maybe? Maybe not.

Homestudy tips

2009-09-13T02:58:00.015-04:00

In response to Ashley's question, "Any helpful hints for the home study?"

I was soooo nervous too. But it wasn't terrible at all. It was nice to talk to someone about foster care who didn't think I was crazy. Most people don't even know I'm licensed b/c I don't feel like hearing what they have to say about a single 29 yr old taking in "someone else's kids" when she has her own problems. Or they question why I would do that before I find a guy. I have issues when it comes to guys and although I see still see myself getting married and having bio kids down the line, I haven't done much to get there. People question why I'm "jumping the gun." Now, if I actually had placements, it would be different, I would certainly be talking about it. But right now, nothing is going on so pretty much my immediate family, a few extended and a handful of friends know. Only with my immediate family do I really discuss it at length.

Anyway, sorry, I totally digressed.... During the training, I had only met the person that was doing the homestudies I think once [maybe twice] and when I did talk to her, she was a little short with me and told the class she was soooo busy that it might take a couple of months before she got around to us. Now I waited a year while I fixed things around the house and really thought over what I might be taking on. She was allergic to cats and didn't want to spend too much time in my house. I showed her around and she asked a few questions. I was expecting a full psychological eval with inkblot tests! lol. I thought she'd ask me questions about my painful teenage years or all my parents' mistakes. It was nothing like that. I know I blogged about it, but I can't remember if it was 2 or 3 visits. I know they were pretty quick though. The face to face interviews were at my house. My sister was one reference along with the person who runs the mentor program at VN. When she interviewed, I went upstairs and turned the tv on b/c I was supposed to be out of earshot.

I still think it is weird that she didn't go downstairs. I said it was not an area I "live" in [it's finished, but a mess], but still. What if there was a dungeon in the back room! The new social worker, SW T, did not look in the basement either. The health inspector & fire dept did, but that is because he had to check for smoke detectors, water heater temp, etc. I think I was more nervous about those two because I didn't have a list of what they were going to check for and DSS didn't really help much.

Of course, every state and within that, the county, is different. The training material & mandatory hours are different, as are the rules and specific requirements for licensing. When I was freaking out, most people were telling me it will be fine, nothing is horrible. After you are licensed and you have kids in your care, that can be another story, lol. They are usually friendlier when they want to get you in the door!

Anyway, you asked for tips. For me, I did a ton of online research and found some requirements for the fire dept inspection online. I made sure I had everything done on that list. DSS didn't give us any guidelines on childproofing, so I did everything I could think of. I heard they frowned upon cleaning products being stored in low cabinets, even with child locks, so I moved everything under my sink into a higher cabinet and put a child lock on it. I child locked all drawers with sharp objects, got outlet covers, door knob covers, etc, etc. Check out the safety section [in the baby section] at Walmart. Look for things that apply to your age range. I also put a lock on my linen closet and put all my medications in there. I installed new smoke detectors and put one in the child's room.

I completely set up my second bedroom, every detail, for a child. I bought some new toys and opened them... filling up this rack of toy boxes in the room. Do you know how much fun it is to get to buy Barbies again!? A few things I left new in boxes, so the child would feel like they were really hers. I thought of everything I would want if I was stuck in some strangers house. Think of things that would comfort you when setting up a child's room. Ooooh... I even got bath toys and a rubbery octopus that goes over the faucet to protect little heads and you put colored fizzy things in them and they come out his tentacles! I mean, who wouldn't want that? lol. You probably want bath friendly things to make a bath more enticing. It would be strange to have someone you don't know giving you a bath [and if they are coming as an emergency placement, that'll probably be at the beginning of the to-do list]. I have a very, very, very strange memory of my next door neighbor picking up my sister and I after school when we were little. We were friends with her kids. For some reason, I remember her having my sister take a shower with her older daughter and her giving me and her younger daughter a bath. It didn't feel right and I still don't know what that's about but anyway, I knew her and she wasn't a threat to me and my house was right next door but it was very strange. My mom found out and she was really mad, obviously. My sister doesn't remember tho...

::ok, back on subject, stay focused Crayon:: I filled up a box with children's toiletries to have on hand - including kids shampoos, fun soap bars, mesh sponges with cute stuffed things attached, little tooth brushes, travel lotions, etc. I also got a first aid kit and bought a few things like children's Tylenol and cold medicine. Even a boo-boo icee. I bought got socks, underwear, pjs, sweatsuits etc. for infant, toddlers, and ages 5-12. If I were you, I would just go for it and get a pack of each size of diapers and pull ups. Is that crazy? I don't know....I haven't had an emergency placement for a baby, but I would feel more comfortable if I had such things on hand. Oh, I even got an assortment of the little boxes of kids cereals! Imagine you are packing for an overnight trip with a toddler. You don't know what hour you will get a call. You don't want to have to take this child, already shaken up, out to a 24 hr Walmart at 2am. Just want to be prepared. I went on a shopping spree one day, keeping in mind I'd probably have to buy this stuff down the line anyway.

Sadly, I have yet to have a placement or respite [that might change soon, based on the meeting we had the other night - I'll post on that another time], so the medications are expired and I look at all the toys and toiletries and get sad sometimes. But when I do finally have a respite placement, I'll have the essentials if the child comes unprepared or say, runs out of socks!

Have I helped at all, or have I made you more of a wreck? lol. Let me know if you have any specific questions, I'm happy to keep going on and on and on and on....

One more thing [edited 5/25/10]

2009-09-06T01:02:00.012-04:00

Am I the only one that obsessively searches "AdoptUsKids"? I really don't think I'll be adopting anytime soon, especially not before having a foster child or before at least trying to work on my love life, yet I still search it constantly. I can fantasize though, right? As a foster parent, you can become a registered user and read the "private" profiles as well. I'm amazed at some of them — the public profile is all upbeat, trying to promote this child in the friendliest way possible, and then you read the private one and you wonder how they can both be talking about the same child! Anywho, I add kids to my "favorite list" that I think could be a match for me [or are just cute] and then see the updates on children who have found placements. I did put an "inquiry" in on one child recently. Really, I just had some questions for the social worker. I thought it would give me an option to type in a note or whatever, but it didn't. Almost two weeks went by with no response. Finally I signed on and had a rejection message, "your homestudy was not selected." I didn't know I could be rejected that easily! oh, well. I hope that child finds a happy home, apparently her social worker was "flooded" with inquiries.

Anyone else use AdoptUsKids? Have any of you inquired about a child listed or even adopted through the site?

[edited 5/25/10: profile info removed out of respect for the privacy of the kids]

As a registered user, you can search disorders too. And the list was extensive, way beyond what even the private profile says above. Sad.

Is it September already?!

2009-09-06T00:07:00.013-04:00

OMGosh... I haven't posted since January?? In my head I had posted several times. lol.

Sorry to report not much going on here. I attended a Foster Parent Association [FPA] meeting and ran into a couple that took the training with me [fall 07]. After the meeting, I asked her how things were going. She said she was not renewing this fall. She's only had TWO overnights...and she's been licensed for two years! Both placements resulted in some random person taking the child the next day, one was a neighbor of the child. She was mad that we had gone through all that training and they'll just place a child with anyone. She also said she doesn't get calls because she is not a SAHM and therefore not a preferred placement. Now I don't feel so bad that I've been sitting here empty too. I did get a call for respite back in July, a 12 year old boy, but I was away that weekend.

Finally got a call from the social worker that was assigned to me back in December. She wanted to meet, but could only meet during the week, 9-5. Of course, I work, so that's an issue. I didn't have time off until the end of August, so I made the appointment then. I cleaned like CRAZY. No one has been to my house from DSS since last year, and since I've had no placements, the spare room was a mess. The new SW [I'll call her SW T] is nice, she said she'd try to find me families that need respite. I don't have much faith in that, but I asked her to try. I believe foster parents in my state have 7 days of paid respite, so if they knew, they'd probably use it! I think some don't know. But I can only do respite on the weekend, or for a child that has daycare or before/after care. I'm sorry, but I'm single and I work! SW T and I spent most of the time discussing our jobs, how little we get paid and her husband and sons, lol.

So, here I am. My house is still clean, two weeks later, believe it or not. I haven't taken anymore classes since the spring class because of a glitch with work's tuition reimbursement... I'm looking for another job. I know it is the worst time ever to be doing that, but I can't take it anymore. My boss keeps picking on me. I've been so stressed. When I walk past the kids at the daycare playground at the end of the day, I can't imagine picking up a child and having to switch from my disgruntled work mind to happy parent who has to take care of someone else. I was so angry about something my boss did Friday, that I was nearly in tears. Thank God I have an interview next week for another job. I'm putting all my hope in this interview, and I know that is bad, but it is what I'm focusing on to get me through right now.

I'm going to try to make it to the next FPA meeting. They are issuing official ID's for foster parents to identify us if needed in situations. It's also supposed to make us feel more like a "professional" part of the team. There are two interesting training's coming up, but one is a workshop that takes place during a work day and the other is in a city on the other side of the state. They listed that hotels are available starting at $140 a night. Yeah, right. =P I'll also remind the parents that I can do weekend respite. I'll be back in school [hopefully] for the spring semester, so I'd like to be able to help now.

That's all I can think of right now. I have some updates on Cori, but I'll have to post that later, I promise!

This last month

2009-01-03T17:38:00.012-05:00

Happy New Year! Just an update. I finally called Cori at her new placement a week ago. She's in a group home now. She seemed okay, distracted, but okay. I was feeling guilty that I hadn't called but when I did call, I always got an answering machine. I called her mom today and found out she ISN'T doing so well after all. She only made it out for a day and a half visit [Christmas eve - Christmas day] before having it cut short b/c of her behavior. She's been depressed, running away and acting out. Her mother told me she jumped out a window today. I'm guessing through the glass since she said she had glass in her hand. She's on a two week restriction to the house and probably won't have any home visits soon. This placement was a step down from the locked RTC she was in, so I'm worried she would have to go back. I really thought she would do better in the group home. She's almost 16, so I know her age plays a part. She's understanding more and realizing she's not like other teenagers. I feel for her...

Good news is, her mom said DSS is looking into getting me money to either reimburse for gas or to do activities with her! Wouldn't that be wonderful? She's so far away now and while I plan to visit when I can, I just don't have the money I would have through the respite program she was in. This also means that they value my relationship with her and see the benefits of a mentor. They want to get her back into art and some sort of consistency with visits. I'm fine with that, as long as I have some financial support. Gas, while down, is bound to go back up. And with her being in a group home, when she can, I know she'll want to do outings. Her mom said there is a lounge, but that the other girls keep coming in and distracting the visit. I hope to go and see Cori in the next two weeks, maybe a Friday after work. I'll bring a little activity - plus I have Christmas presents and souvenirs from my recent trip!

I don't think I've mentioned that I resigned from the Respite Position at X RTC. It was a tough decision, but after Cori lost her services, it had been weeks and weeks and they still hadn't assigned me a new client. I was facing the realization that I was actually becoming a foster parent, plus accepting that I had to go back to school. I didn't think it was wise to continue with the commitment and took the lack of a match, a sign that I should back out while I still could. They said they had 40+ kids on the waiting list, so months after Cori is out of the program, why wasn't I matched? If I was matched, it would have been a min year commitment. I'm sad that I can't keep doing it, but ultimately think I made the right, responsible decision. It wouldn't be good to start out the new year in over my head.

My class starts next month and it's a 6 hour class for 15 weeks. NOT looking forward to it. I'm trying to change my mindset, but can't seem to. I want to be excited, but it's just not there. Also, if you recall, I was torn on leaving my job in this economy. I had been praying for some direction and just wasn't getting it. Well, days before the 2nd interview was to take place, I got a call that they decided to hold on hiring. I was actually relieved. My prayer was answered and I didn't have to make a choice. Now that I know they did like me, down the road, the company is still an option. I'm making the best of my current job and standing up for myself. We are finally replacing a coworker who recently left so workload should get much better.

On the foster care front, I did get my official approval letter, about a week or two before Christmas. But no followup call or communication on DSS's part. With the holidays and all, I understand. I plan to hold off on any placements until after summer. In the fall, I should only be taking one or two classes, and they won't be nearly as long. It will give me time to get things into place w/o worrying about summer child care. I hope to attend the monthly meetings for foster parents at DSS and see if anyone needs respite or if I can be of any help to families who have placements. I know once school starts, there will be more cases, so I think it will be good for me to wait. I don't think it's wise to take a child in while I have a class that consumes an entire day of the week.

Well, that's my wrap up!

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

Initial questions & house rules

2008-12-03T21:39:00.015-05:00

Anyone have suggestions for a list of initial questions I should ask when a placement is proposed? A list I could keep on-hand by the phone so I'm not caught off guard. Yondalla suggested "have they ever been suspected or accused of injuring a pet?" -- questions along those lines. I should probably ask if they have a history of verbal/physical aggression, property damage or running away... What else? Can you ask if sexual abuse is suspected? Have they been attending school? Are they emotionally/developmentally at age level? I want to be sure the child I take in is a good fit...and I want to protect myself too!

Also...house rules! I'd like to compile a simple list to go over with the child upfront. I don't want to be a push over and won't feel so mean if I'm enforcing something that I made clear was a rule in the first place. I know these kids come from unstructured homes and need more supervision, especially if they are used to "taking care of themselves." Do any of you post house rules? Have suggestions for a child between the ages of 7 & 11?

I'm currently trying to locate childcare. My district has b/f and after care through an org, but they may not have openings. It's complicated finding a home daycare because the school my child would be transfered to, is in a city that 4/5 of the kids attend a different school. In fact, I basically pass 3 elementary schools to get to mine. It sounds like most of the in-home centers do not provide transportation and the school bus will only drop off at a house in their district. I called and asked and was told I'd have to petition for redistricting to have my child go to the daycare provider's school. You can't have the bus pick up your child from another district [albeit, they live .25 miles down the road] and taken to the school district your home is located in. If you're confused, so am I. I'm trying to do my research online before making calls, but it sounds like I'm going to have to cold-call everyone just to make sure the provider falls within the imaginary line. To make things more confusing, the child could very well be already going to another school...and if I'm only taking them short term, it would seem silly to make them switch...so who knows how that will work. Good thing is my work provides this "concierge" service that will find childcare providers for you based on criteria you provide. Last time I used this, a year ago, it wasn't very helpful at all -- but this childcare locator HR patched me to sounds like a different company [than last time] and will ultimately save me time. We'll see. I'll try not to lose sleep over it.

I'm also looking for another job - which I'm torn about for many reasons. I am at odds with the leadership above me right now, not to mention the low performers above me... and I'm very unhappy. I have a second interview with a company next week. They are willing to consider paying me thousands more than initially set aside for the position b/c I said although I really want to work for their company, I don't want to waste their time if I can't take it b/c the pay was significantly less than I'm making now. The HR rep said she'd make some calls and get back to me. An hour later she said they would be willing to stretch "the budget" and would like to see me again. They've already done a second round with the other interviewees [so they say] and are waiting another week and a half until I can come in to see me again. I'm only asking for about 1K more than I'm making now...enough to make it more enticing to me. Originally I was told the the position was hiring, at the most, about 7K less than what I'm making now. That was before they interviewed me. Yikes. So the pressure is on. I feel wanted now and less trapped at my current job - but although I hate my boss very much at the moment, she knows I want to do foster care and would be more lenient on time off than at a new job. I just don't know what to do.

Plus I just registered for a class and if I were to start b/f being hired elsewhere [or b/f I could w/d with full refund], I would owe my company that $**** back. My company offers tuition reimbursement, but if you leave the company w/i 6 months of them paying for a class, you owe the money back. Now the new company offers reimbursement too and at a higher amount per year, but they only pay 75% [a friend that works there told me about the 75 part, the HR rep left that out]. This class is going to be 6 hrs, one day a week, taking up nearly a whole day. It's a double-credit class that is required and only offered on the weekends. I'm taking it in the spring, it's a 15-week class. I'm going to have to work out something with my loving family ::cheezy grin:: on a weekly basis and maybe switch off with an in-home babysitter every other week. Having a someone watch my child 7.5 hours [accounting for driving time to and from the city], twice a month, will run me 15 hrs of babysitter pay a month. At $7 an hour [what is the going rate for a teen, over 16 yrs of age?] would cost me at LEAST $105 a month. And that's if my loving sister and parents are generous enough to watch my child every other week...for free. Before and after care is going to run me about $400 a month, average. I'm already up to $500 and that doesn't leave much left out of the monthly stipend. Kids need clothes and food and fees for field-trips and extracurricular activities. So trust me, no one is making any money off of this! I also want to give allowance and have to account for full-time care in the summer + extra costs for vacation/snow-day care! Those last two are biggies. Am I leaving anything major out??? Help me out here. I'm thinking too much...or maybe I'm not thinking of enough things. If I don't blog this out, I won't sleep at night. Someone experienced, help me out here with advice!!!

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

I'm approved!

2008-12-01T15:27:00.007-05:00

Verbally, anyway. SW H came for the 2nd & final visit this morning and interviewed my other reference. She wasn't here more than 20-30 mins. I really thought there would be more to it. I do think my cats had something to do with it - she's allergic and wanted to get out of here! She said there were two more homestudies she had to write up and then she would do mine. We talked about how maybe it's God's will I was never matched with another respite charge at my moonlighting position. I was at our monthly meeting the other night and she said there are 30-some kids on the waiting list for a respite specialist. What the heck. I've been without a client for more than two months. How come she hasn't found me a match? There were at least 3 kids potentially matched but after further research they either didn't want the services or didn't qualify anymore [they had been waiting a long time]. Still, it's been weeks since the last client fell through. I told my supervisor to put matching me with another client on hold, at least until January, pending my foster parent approval. I don't know when I will have a foster child or for how long when I do, so I doubt I'll be resuming with the program...but I felt guilty so I said just put me on the burner for now. Anyway, I'll post more later, but that's my news for now.

my first homestudy!

2008-11-19T00:56:00.027-05:00

I had my first homestudy yesterday evening. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be... She showed up on time, asked me two or 3 questions then asked me to show her my house. By then, it hadn't even been 30 minutes. The house took about 5 minutes [it's the size of a shoebox]. She didn't look into cabinets or closets, not even my basement. I tucked the cats down there just before she came [she's allergic] and warned her it's a mess since I had to move a ton of things around to clean the carpets. She was like, "that's ok, I don't need to see it." But what if I put a dungeon down there since the health department inspection a month ago?? Ok, so I didn't put a dungeon in my basement, but you see my point. We sat back down and she asked if I had any questions. Of course I didn't think of the good ones until after she left. I summarized the visit and my "reaction" [lol] in an e-mail to my sister. In an effort to save little fingers, I'm recycling it for the most part [I'd feel guilty if I didn't tell you]:

I still feel like I can't find enough about foster care in our state. I want to find blogs or posts or anything local. I've found people online who do fostercare in other states, and I see it's not glamourous. I want to hear what people think of our county's workers. Social Worker "H" [herein referred to SW H] - my homestudy person, didn't talk to highly of the SWs who work with the children during the majority of their placement. She said that they are hard to understand [foreign?] and for me not to hesitate contacting their supervisor... That doesn't sound good.

I also didn't realize that the children do not stick with one social worker [I thought others were involved at the different stages, but that they had one primary worker]. The children have an intake SW, a SW for after 30 days and another SW for if they are adopted. My own SW would be separate, in another dept.

From our conversation, I got the impression that there aren't a whole lot of single foster moms for girls that come in sexually abused. Obviously, they prefer not to place them in a home with a male, at least at first. She said they wouldn't place a child at the level of my X RTC children [then again, you never know when they first come into care]. We talked about age range. I said I'd do pretty much any age for respite, from infant to teen. For placement though, an elementary school-age child might fit best. I feel like Oscar and I really connect now that he's 11. Not that we are just meshing now, we've always been close. It's just that he's this little person now, not a little kid. I noticed a difference about a year ago in his demeanor. I don't mind him spending the night like I used to. He doesn't exhaust me by running around the house flipping on lights. He's independent but still influential and listens to my advice and rules. He still likes to be tucked in but can entertain himself in the morning [and usually doesn't get into too much!]. I tell him where to find breakfast if he gets hungry before I get up, I set out the comics and show him the channels cartoons are on. I think I could handle a child around his age range. I just worry about picking them up in-time for school, after/before care, what if they are sick, navigating their medical coverage, snow & planned days off from school... Visits with parents are at least once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. Supervised visits take place at DSS, about 30 mins away in traffic [maybe 10 miles away...traffic lights & congestion are ridiculous in that area].

I feel like I've been able to handle much of what's been thrown at me and/or what I've gotten into lately. I'm fairly busy but am generally not overwhelmed if I can get a nap on the weekends. But I'll be taking a class on Sat mornings in the spring. For 15 weeks [I'm going back for my master's]. No idea what I'd do then. I'd have to give up volunteering with my girls at X RTC. At best, I could come back quarterly to work on a craft with them to put up on their seasonal bulletin board. I wish I knew what I'm going to end up doing. Should I tell X that I can no longer be a respite specialist for them - maybe before they find me another match [long story, I'll explain later - but Cori is fine, just now in a group home]? A respite match is at least a year commitment, possibly more with at least 8 hours/2-visits a month. There are also the monthly mandatory 2 hour meetings. I've been match-less for over two months now, even though they supposedly have a ton of kids waiting. The extra money isn't really worth it... An extra $130 a month was more than generous to spend time with Cori, but I don't know about another child. I think the coordinator for the program would understand and probably allow me to come back on later if I wanted too.

I'd need to get involved more with the foster care agency too. Attend the monthly meetings so I can find other foster parents who could support me [they provide childcare @ mtgs, thank goodness]. I feel a calling on this and have come so far but it's scary to think of the prospect of being childless Tuesday morning and then get a call at work saying they need a someone to take in a child that night who I'm "the perfect match" for. I'd have a child depending on me to get them up for school, making them dinner, washing their clothes, taxiing them around. I don't want to be roped in, captivated by a sad case. I want to make sure this is my decision and that I don't jump at anything. But what if my heart melts and I can't say no? And then what if DSS sends them home after more than 15 months, when the case was headed for TPR? The couple of years I've spent volunteering at X RTC has helped me prepare for a loss... so many kids I've fallen in love with, worked with for more than a year and then they are gone. I never see them again, just get updates. Although I know losing a foster child would be much different, it's my only comparison.

SW H seems thinks I'm ready/well-equipped for this [perhaps more than I think, lol]. She seemed disappointed when I talked about just doing respite, saying there wasn't much of a need. Of course, her job is to find and certify foster parents... Though she did sound like it wouldn't be a big deal if I just did respite or put my house on hold if I can't do it for a year or two.

I don't know... it's frightening to take in a child and not know how long they will stay. The prospect that I wouldn't have a quiet house anymore, weekends to myself. No more popcorn for dinner [note - my sister says this is "ok"]. No more car rides in silence. And with all the responsibility, this child wouldn't be mine to keep. I couldn't even cut her hair without permission from her parents. She could be taken away at anytime. But I would be doing God's work and I would be a safe place while a child's life is up-heaved. I understand the behaviors of children from abusive homes. They aren't bad, just broken.

I did e-mail SW H today and asked IF I were to take a placement shortly after my home was approved, what are the chances that I could start with a short-term placement - a child likely to be returned to their home or placed in relative's care pending an investigation. If it turns into longer, at least I tried to start off slow... lol.

Btw, how much info can I expect to be given when I get a call to consider a child for placement? I know it all depends on the case and whether or not they were already in care... but what were your experiences? Were you told the truth? Or was the case candy-coated? Do you have much time to decide?

Ok, I need to get to bed. I know there's a huge gap of time between July & November. If you have questions about that black-hole, just ask. :)

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

An update

2008-07-10T00:10:00.012-04:00

It's been a while! A lot has gone on since my last post. I was offered a position at X RTC, where I currently volunteer, assisting with wrap-around services. I was approached to become a "Respite Specialist" in May for my mentee, Cori [now 15], who is back at home and under X's umbrella. I interviewed and applied the first week of June and finally was officially offered the job a week ago. I still will work my regular full-time job, but will do respite for Cori a few hours a month. She was approved for 8 hrs [broken up into two outings] - they'll pay me 5 hrs for every 4, give me money to spend on her and reimburse for mileage. I've been mentoring her since 2005, for free... so it sounded too good to be true when they wanted to pay me for my time AND give me money to spend. I took a lot of time to think and pray on it and decided to go for it. With the rising cost of gas and it's domino effect, I could really use the money. VN considers my 3 years volunteering at the RTC as experience. For references, I used their employees I work with, and they gave excellent feedback. The respite coordinator said she wanted me to start at 10 hours a week. I was like whoa there... how about we start with Cori?? She sounded a little disappointed and said she'd like to add another child [at 8 hrs a month] at some point soon. I'm waiting to hear back from HR regarding the orientation and training. The coordinator added that I might even make more an hour than what she originally told me b/c of a recent pay increase. That would just be an added sugar coating. :)

I've gotten a lot done around the house and will soon call DSS to follow up on my homestudy & inspections. They seem to have forgotten about me. It's ok I guess, since it turns out I needed more time. I don't know when I would have free time to do foster care respite, but I want to complete the licensing b/f I lose my ***-hr training [from last fall, if you recall]. If I hadn't procrastinated on it, I wouldn't be in the position I'm currently in, being offered a job at the RTC. Had I taken on a foster child earlier this year, I would have had to cut back, if not eliminate, my volunteering at X RTC, as well as the time with my mentee. God works in mysterious ways...

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

finally, a post!

2008-03-13T07:13:00.009-04:00

sorry I haven't posted in like, forever... but really haven't had anything new to report about getting my license. in fact, the county has STILL not called. can you believe it?! considering the governor called for "aggressive recruiting of foster parents" in my state, its really sad. I have the *** hr training under my belt!

On the other-hand, I have gotten alot done since the first of the year. I've been off work following my surgery mid-feb and had the new doors installed this past week. its one of the major things I wanted done before I called and said "why the hell haven't you called to schedule inspections???" they were taking up a ton of space in the basement and needed holes bored, paint and knobs put in. plus a panel door had to be fashioned into a dinky 16" wide door for the hall closet. I got a knob w/ a real lock and key so I can keep meds and cleaners in it. that way, I won't have to worry about anything stored in the bathroom...I can keep it all in there. I could store alcohol there too... [I'll wait on that one til after the inspections and homestudy!!] lol. Speaking of locks, I also had a non-locking door knob installed in the bedroom I'll be using for the child. I still need to get the french doors installed in the basement [they're just propped up, chilling in the back room...but I'm calling someone about an estimate this weekend. the previous estimate was way too much and no one else I called, called me back [do you want the business or not??]. but I don't plan to be using the basement. It needs so much work. I will need to get a baby gate to put in the door way, since I have to keep it propped open so the cats can use their litterboxes. I was going to put in a cat door, but - a) I can't bear cutting a hole in the new door, b) Chubbs is way too fat to fit thru any cat door and the doggy doors are all for exterior doors and double the cost, and c) whenever I sell the house, a cat door on the basement door will look weird. anyway, I got the painting finished upstairs and therefore, can finally put outlet covers up! they're all exposed right now.... oh, and I did a switcharoo with my parents and took their queen [they got a king] for my room and put my full in the other bed room. its a much newer mattress [1st gen as opposed to 3rd!]. I was even able to exchange all the twin bedding for full. the mattress fits very nice in there! just remembered, another major thing is I finally set up my "new" imac I got back in August! lmao... I know, it's sad. anyway, this got the computer out of the bedroom [moved it to the living room], and therefore, the internet. I just can't have a child in the room with a computer & internet unsupervised. that also opens the desk up there for homework or just fun stuff. other than all that, all I have left to do really is put a smoke along in the room and install all the little safety 1st things, which I have waiting in a bag, ready to go up.

So, there you have it...that's where I'm at.

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]

long time, no see!

2008-01-03T16:37:00.005-05:00

Sorry its been so long since I last posted! Thanks to my little pose of readers that sent me an e-mail asking where I was! The reason is that 1] I was blogged out from November’s NaBloPoMo and 2] I recently read a blog recently whose author was fired b/c she was blogging about her adoption at work and someone found out. I used to blog at work b/c, well, the internet is there and I’m trying not to, to stay on the safe side. Maybe I can try posting during lunch. At home, my computer and internet are both so slow, and since my job has me on the computer 40+ hrs a week, I try to steer clear of it.

Not too much on the foster care front. I got my certificate for the training finally. But NO calls about inspections or homestudy. I’m not rushing anything at this point though. With the surgery scheduled and a lot to work on to get the house ready, I’m ok with this lull. However, its given me a lot of time to think [not sure if that’s good or bad!] and I realize I have a pretty big decision to make…maybe bigger than I originally thought. You see, I have to decide between becoming a foster parent or going back to school for a second degree. I know some single mothers are able to do both, but I don’t think I’m that strong and since I’m the one choosing to become a foster parent, I feel I wouldn’t have as much support in trying to do both. I don’t have to do this, so if it becomes tough, people will be more critical as opposed to helpful.

What makes it even harder, is nearly 2 years ago, when I was at wits end and ready to quit my job. In my evaluation, I discussed going back to school with my boss. Although it is completely unrelated to my field of work [art], but can be tied to the org I work for, she ok’d that she’d sign off on tuition reimbursement for a Master’s in Psychology. That means work would pay 100% for up to $**** a year in education expenses. While I don’t have a family, now would be the time to pursue a 2nd degree. Also, I’m considering moving to a different state in 3 years. I have *** yrs at this job, and xtra benefits b/c of that. At a new org, I’d be starting from scratch and I believe you have to have a certain amount of time in a state to qualify for in-state tuition.

Only problem is, I don’t know what I want to do! 3 years ago, I wanted to be a teacher. I’ve always been interested in psychology, but don’t know what field… I enjoy the time at the RTC, but I don’t think I’d want to just wrangle kids all day. I would like to work with children, but not being the main disciplinary. I don’t know if I could handle counseling either. I’d love to be an art therapist, and have for years, but don’t have schools in my area for that particular track, and I imagine it would be hard finding a job in that specific area. I want to open myself up to a wider spectrum and I think the art degree and a psych degree would be ideal if a job in that field becomes available. I also don’t know what all the positions at the RTC do. Like the unit director… she seems to be on a good page with the kids, but spends a lot of time in her office, in the kids’ apartment. Another factor is, what if I don’t cut it?? I don’t do well on tests and most of college was critiques as opposed to written exams. I believe I also have to take a special test just to qualify for the psych track at school and I’m already nervous about the idea of that.

I also really enjoy the volunteer work I’m doing right now at X RTC and with my mentee. I’d have to cut those back, or most likely out, to be a foster parent. I really want birth children too. Not that I can’t adopt and have birth children, but in the end, I wouldn’t want more than 3 kids. Part of the reason I want to have my own children is that, obviously, you get to be a apart of their entire childhood. You have a baby book and memories of their firsts. And to be quite honest, unlike most teens, I didn’t reek much havoc as a teen. I didn’t rebel, I didn’t party, I didn’t experiment with drugs or alcohol, I didn’t go to clubs, heck, I didn’t even date much less have sex. I did however struggle with major depression, suicidal thoughts, self injury and a short time where I was pretty much anorexic. BUT, since I’m tuned into mental health, I know the warning signs and would be watching for this early on.

Not that I’m saying my kids would be little-me’s. They would be their own little selves and the father’s genetics are factored in there too. A good example is that Norah and I were like night and day growing up. Especially as teens. I think I was more like my mom and my sister, more like my dad. Mom always taunted Norah, just wait till you have kids – I hope they turn out just like you! lol. My niece is my sister’s little-me. Lets just say she’s high-maintenance. ;) My nephew, Oscar, is another story since he lived at home with my parents and I until he was 4. He still spends so much time over my parents, and I spend lots of time with him. Sometimes, its like we all have joint-custody of him! We were so careful with him and were very protective. I think this has affected his personality, in that he is always hesitant or refuses to try new things or take risks. However, this 10-yr is often like a 40-yr old. He is very insightful, sensitive and smart. He’s like a sponge and soaks up every story and every detail. It’s easy to slip into a conversation with him where you forget you are talking to a 10-yr old and say too much. We all expect a lot of him, too much sometimes. I also have to mention that he has the strangest sense of humor, thanks to my sister and I. He gets jokes no one would ever understand. Gotta love the kid.

I also need time to work on my issues with men. I’m almost 28. I’ve never had a boyfriend. There are so many reasons that I don’t really feel like getting into much right now, but its an intricate web. Some of it comes from my childhood and the influential males in my life when I was growing up. Some of it comes from my father’s behaviors [mostly in the past] and his relationship with my mom [again, mostly issues in the past]. Some of it is inexperience and me feeling so behind that I’ve never had a real relationship. Some of it is that I look 16, so I have these teen boys looking at me. Not to mention that black guys are highly attracted to my red hair, big butt, and as one said my “sweet thights” [Not that there is anything wrong with a black male, I’m just not really attracted. I did date someone from Kenya, I believe he said, but I had a lot of trouble understanding him b/c of his thick accent, he lied about his age and was much older, and after several dates, I lost interest]. Some of it comes from my “belief system” and generalizations I’ve made about men. Its frustrating that I know what contributes to the majority of this problem I have, yet I can’t get past it. I don’t know why I have some of the feelings I do. In the last 3 years [after I turned 25], I’ve gone on some first dates. Sad, I know that I only started now. Some of the guys were through Minute Dating, and a few I met elsewhere. I really had to push myself, as only 2 of the guys I really felt an attracted. One I adored, I scared away with 20-questions all at once [hey, you live and you learn]. The other turned out to be a creep. Two of them went too far and french kissed me when I was not expecting it, one on the first date – one of them was all over me and I was really uncomfortable. There was one stalker and another one who wouldn’t stop calling me when I said leave me alone. I also tried online dating unsuccessfully [but plan to give it another try].

Because of all this, I feel have to focus on that area of my life…if I ever want my own children! I want to get married someday and I feel the clock ticking away. I won’t be able to be in a singles group or go on dates…especially trying to figure out how to be a new mom.

That said, maybe I can have the best of both worlds. I plan to go through with everything and get certified. That way, I can still help out and work with foster kids by doing respite. If I didn’t get certified, I wouldn’t be able to offer that. I will be less tempted to want to save the world and adopt every child that comes through my door. I can develop a relationship with a child, without it getting so deep that I would be crushed when they were returned home. I get upset when a child lives the RTC, and I think it would be more like that. I can have control over when and how long to do the respite. If things are crazy, I can say no. I can just do a weekend or a whole week. I can let them have maybe a little more fun since they only see me once in a while, it would be more special.

Wow, that was a long one. So, anyone have thoughts on all of this? What do you make of my situation? Do you think school is more important right now? Has anyone just done respite?

*[this post edited 7/12/10 for public blog]